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friday hax chat q: they had always planned for a family until a year ago, when he said he didn't want kids. then he tried to buy her acceptance

Posted by moles (aka chris) Apr 8 '11, 09:33

No Baby, No Cry

Husband and I had always planned on having kids till about a year ago, when he announced he was no longer interested. Now, he says, he wants to focus on our marriage, our careers, and our two passions: travel and food/wine. I get where he's coming from re: the hobbies--they are expensive and time-consuming, and probably prohibitive of being good parents, at least at first. I didn't really see a choice, so I gave up on the baby thing. Husband was apologetic and tried to make it up to me with some pretty lavish trips and splurges, which wouldn't have been possible if we'd gotten pregnant instead...yeah, I get it. Anyway, what I'm finding is that now that our hobbies have gotten in the way of starting a family, I'm finding them utterly unfulfilling and self-indulgent, and I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life focused on these things. But husband is as happy as ever and is firmly dedicated to this choice. What should I do?

Responses:

drugs, obvie. -- nm - JaxSean Apr 8, 09:42
bang the door man and get preggers -- nm - decline Apr 8, 09:41
Tell him, if you can't agree you have to decide if you want him, or kids. - Amy Apr 8, 09:41
It really sucks that he's changing his mind about such a big thing so suddenly. But I suppose you have to sorta respect his decision, to a point. - Dr.Vermin Apr 8, 09:41 5
- And to be fair, I would rather him be honest about it now than fake it and come clean after the kid is born. -- nm - Strongbad Apr 8, 09:48
- To a point? You pretty much have to respect it completely. -- nm - mara Apr 8, 09:41 3
  - If it's the result of a recent 180, no, I can't respect it fully. - Dr.Vermin Apr 8, 09:47 1
    - I think it's a "I have a great life already. Why would I want to risk that by having kids?" decision - Roger More Apr 8, 09:49
  - or just poke a few holes in the condoms. -- nm - mafic Apr 8, 09:44
have a birth control "accident" -- nm - mafic Apr 8, 09:38
That sucks. They need to talk it out. Both seem to have perfectly honest and resonable positions that simply can't co-exist. - musubi Apr 8, 09:38 4
- OR - he could surprise her and say ... ok - let's do the kids thing because I got some of my needs for other things met. -- nm - JenBro Apr 8, 09:39 3
  - he's not the one writing in. -- nm - amanda jones, transitarian Apr 8, 09:47 1
    - right - but I'm saying that they've done some stuff he wanted to do instead of having kids - and if he hears her say she still wants them - he may - JenBro Apr 8, 09:57
  - That's why they need to talk it out. Maybe they can work that out, but if neither really wants what the other does..... (nm) - musubi Apr 8, 09:41
best to tell him how you're feeling - people change (shrugs) he was honest with you about his feelings - you should be too. -- nm - JenBro Apr 8, 09:38 3
- This should be the answer to 90% of relationship columns. I hire you, JenBro. -- nm - ty97 Apr 8, 09:40 2
  - yeah ... communication is key - if you don't lay it all out there - how can you ever make informed decisions -- nm - JenBro Apr 8, 09:58
  - I think 90% of relationship columns are people who just want someone to tell them to stay when leaving is the better choice. -- nm - Amy Apr 8, 09:49
crawfish the bet and shoot the devil in the ass -- nm - CQ Apr 8, 09:38 1
- uh... what? -- nm - sycor Apr 8, 09:39
talk. to. him. -- nm - Beaker Apr 8, 09:37
Tone down your participation in the hobbies, start volunteering and doing stuff that actually means something to you. - mara Apr 8, 09:37
he finds having children unfulfilling and self-indulgent. f*ck the doorman. -- nm - amanda jones, transitarian Apr 8, 09:35 1
- I like how you think :) -- nm - decline Apr 8, 09:43

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friday hax chat q: they had always planned for a family until a year ago, when he said he didn't want kids. then he tried to buy her acceptance

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