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Ok this will be a little long and maybe a little overshare but you can delve into how I think

Posted by Capstern Aug 25 '11, 08:46

OK you all know me pretty well and know I seek advice but I do what I think is best in the end. You saw groiny WTF me about how the divorce finances are going to go. I know I don�t �owe� her any break or any help after shattering the trust I had in her but I don�t hate her, hell I am not really mad. We have talked and realized this actually got us out before we learned to hate.

I love her with all my heart but I am someone that cannot ever give trust back if you smash it, just to OCD to ever forget. So I love her and I believe the following:

I snatched her up at 18 and married her at 19. All the 7 years I kept her and paid for things and managed our lives. She had no interest in knowing more and we were happy that way for 95% of the marriage I guess. At 26 she wanted to have independence and fun and I think we both found we were quickly growing in different ways but didn�t talk about it and this event blew it up and I was left standing feeling sorta reborn and she feels like a stupid idiot but also someone that knows in the end she will be happier with someone with actual things in common with her.

I don�t think shes fully prepared to truly take care of herself. I own some of that and feel a little responsible for her. I am taking the majority of the debt as much of its mine she wasn�t like a crazy spender. She takes a car and her credit card. I will own the rest. She will live in the guest room for a month or two and I will help her save for an apt or roommate. I may try to help with first and last. I decided to provide a year of voluntary alimony probably 300-400 a month to give her time to adjust and learn what she needs to do to live her life and manage bills.

All the bills but the one credit card are solely in my name. I keep the houses and most everything I want. We are very amicable and so I figure it�s the least I can do � maybe its guilt I feel about taking her so young and hoping things wouldn�t end like this.

But I love her and I want to teach her to fish � not throw her in the lake.

Its funny last night she asked if we could throw a party when the divorce is final and so I think shes adjusting. Though she tends to still cry, apologize and tell me she was stupid when she sees me.

Responses:

Write her a check for $9600 and be done. Don't get into a voluntary monthly arrangement. Send her on her way and let her be responsible for herself - oblique Aug 25, 09:00 1
- If I could I would - not quite that financially flexible -- nm - Capstern Aug 25, 09:02
Damn, I'm just catching up. You mention issues of "trust". Did she cheat? - Mop (196 lbs) Aug 25, 08:58
I'm not saying your wrong, but the one thing that jumped at me as I read this was that it sounded like a father taking about his daughter. - ty97 Aug 25, 08:55 3
- Or... - Stephen Aug 25, 09:10
- [deleted]
- I had the same impression -- nm - Roger More Aug 25, 08:57
I see such echoes of my little brother's first marriage in all this. They were both pretty much out of high school, so didn't have the - MojaveMeg Aug 25, 08:54
and if she gets a lawyer you are *hosed.* she's entitled to parts of the (underwater) houses... wait. she could be hosed. -- nm - amanda "late sleeper" jones Aug 25, 08:53 1
- ah, the poison pill strategy pays off yet again. -- nm - Bank of America si Aug 25, 08:55
(They don't do the first and last months rent thing here anymore. It's just first and sec deposit, I think.) -- nm - con_carne Aug 25, 08:53
I see what you are saying, but there's a mixed message there. Independence isn't just good times, it includes responsibility. - Roger More Aug 25, 08:51 2
- [deleted]
- this. -- nm - Remlik Aug 25, 08:55
I can understand this -- nm - ceregon Aug 25, 08:50 1
- *loses my mind* nm -- nm - groiny Aug 25, 08:51
IMO, alimony should be a dead concept (but absolutely not so with child support, obvie). I can see your motivation for wanting to help, though. - Beryllium Aug 25, 08:50
*nods* -- nm - znufrii Aug 25, 08:49
I actually do sort of see where you're coming from on this. -- nm - TFox Aug 25, 08:48 1
- *blank stare* - groiny Aug 25, 08:48
*blank stare* - groiny Aug 25, 08:48 34
- I figured the women would sorta get me the guys not so much - Capstern Aug 25, 08:53 9
  - 1.) She is not going to be your wife. and b.) you are rewarding her for repeatedly lying to you. -- nm - The Ruiner Aug 25, 08:56 2
    - What I would do is not do alimony. Don't set that up as it may never go away. If he wants to help her after the divorce, he CAN if he wants. - Bacon @Home Aug 25, 08:58 1
      - I am setting it up for a year and then it goes away. Its part of the decree -- nm - Capstern Aug 25, 09:00
  - I sent my ex $1200 bucks 7 months after we were divorced because she was about to be evicted. - Bacon @Home Aug 25, 08:56 3
    - Regarding the IM - any voluntary alimony should have some sort of escape clause relating to that -- nm - Beryllium Aug 25, 08:57
    - right, you let her find for herself, and when she could not, you "helped" - groiny Aug 25, 08:56 1
      - Yeah read my post above. -- nm - Bacon @Home Aug 25, 08:59
  - sounds to me like you are casting stones in glass houses. - groiny Aug 25, 08:54 1
    - Yes she knows mary. She knows shes my friend. Would send pics from stuff we were always doing with freinds in groups of people - Capstern Aug 25, 08:59
- i have to say, i don't 100% think he's off base here. -- nm - Andie Aug 25, 08:48 22
  - Me neither. I would probably do the same. -- nm - pmb Aug 25, 08:52
  - he was not leasing her with an option to buy. - groiny Aug 25, 08:49 20
    - I uh, yeah, I agree with groiny. - Stephen Aug 25, 09:06
    - (this is hysterical, groin.) -- nm - amanda "late sleeper" jones Aug 25, 08:55
    - But she was also just 19. - pmb Aug 25, 08:54 6
      - She's not 19 now and she's got a profile on a swinger site, news that surprised her husband. - David Aug 25, 09:06
      - ding -- nm - Capstern Aug 25, 09:01 1
        
        no DING. - groiny Aug 25, 09:01
      - By that logic, if he continues to care for her, she still won't mature, and that's bad also -- nm - con_carne Aug 25, 08:59 1
        
        I am going to ease her in the wild quickly not push her off the truck -- nm - Capstern Aug 25, 09:04
      - if you let her start frm square one, with no debt, fine. - groiny Aug 25, 08:56
    - oh, i fully agree with the IM. but, if Cappy enabled her to live a life where he didn't, in any way, encourage her to - Andie Aug 25, 08:51 10
      - Thanks and thats what this is. I tried a little to push her but well i own it felt safer to have her rely on me - Capstern Aug 25, 08:55
      - she takes the car debt, cool. She takes one card debt, cool. You fund her for the next 12 months... - groiny Aug 25, 08:53 7
        
        He's not talking a huge amount of money here. Just helping her transition some. Honestly I totally get it. -- nm - pmb Aug 25, 08:57 2
        
        to someone who doesn't make a ton of money $300 per month is a lot. hell, I'd love an extra $300 per month now and I make more than a nanny. - amanda "late sleeper" jones Aug 25, 08:59 1
        
        Nannies in seattle can make 20-25 an hour - but ok 300 to me isnt a lot - to her huge -- nm - Capstern Aug 25, 09:09
        
        I think he says she's taking the *car,* not the *car debt.* (I'd sell that shit. no nanny needs a $40k car unless her employer provides it.) - amanda "late sleeper" jones Aug 25, 08:54 3
        
        i don't think she CAN take the car debt. there's no way she could make those payments, rent a place, and eat on what she makes. -- nm - Andie Aug 25, 08:55 2
        
        so sell the shit. (unless he's underwater on it. like he was several years ago. remember?) - amanda "late sleeper" jones Aug 25, 08:56 1
        
        oh, i'd sell in a heartbeat if it's not. -- nm - Andie Aug 25, 08:58
      - [deleted]
- Yeah, Michael is exiting this conversation. -- nm - The Ruiner Aug 25, 08:48

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Ok this will be a little long and maybe a little overshare but you can delve into how I think

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