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Thanks Andie ( a response)

Posted by JohnnyB Sep 7 '11, 11:23

I appreciate what you have to say and to be honest I was just looking to restart my life here as much as I am making the same effort in real life.

1- I agree but also to my defense calling me a pedophile was never fair and never called for and something at the time that I protested and it just got worse. I own that I should have just kept protesting but instead I got very very angry. And I never look at myself as a unique flower � more often than not I feel like someone who is wired very differently from other people and since this is about the weirdest group of people I know, it tends to make me feel normal when I am told no you aren�t the only person that feels that way.

2 � It wasn�t about being an entirely new person. It was about being ME. Just doing what I cant seem to do as cappy, just hang out and contribute. As soon as capstern posts anything even just normal stuff. Some kind of snide or snarky remark is soon to follow. I think as much as I got trapped in that role and being more of a smart ass or jerk than I really am I think also the populace in general became very Pavlovian in their expectation and reactions to me, but that would have been up to me to break that cycle and I didn�t, either lack of will or courage.

A new name and some spell checking I hoped would allow me to just sit and be normal for a change.

3 � Oh the persona is based on me. I think the persona has many of my personality traits but more of my cranky ones. Honestly was mostly channeling my dad. And at first it was just about fitting in and playing my part which for a long time was punching bag. It seemed ok as well when I met you all that was what I was to the wife at the time and well couldn�t stop that circle of emotional violence either, so I just took it.

And after so long and so many ways in my life just conforming to what I PERCIEVE as what people expect of me I just kind of morph into that. Its stupid and lame and I should have stood up and shook that off.

I wanted to burn cappy to the ground and never have to log in as him again. I really kind of wanted witness protection and a chance to just wear the sunglasses and hat and enjoy the simpler things that I do love here, but knowing it was me even with a different name would still bring the barb and jabs and I just don�t think I was capable of taking more when all I want to do is be the me that people who know me in person know, and I felt like that ha ZERO chance of happening.

4 � I own this. Hate on me and I will hate back. Its childish but she started it, I still remember the day she torqued me off and she�s been relentless since. I wont make any bones about that, it is what it is. She stays out of my face I will stay out of hers. And usually the shit starts when she jumps one of my posts. I rarely if ever comment on one of hers. So I guess I am fine with peace but well not sure she can swing it.

5 � Oh I have come here as part of the crowd. I have another login that I made when this place was formed and moved. But mostly almost never posts and I just try to enjoy the colors (if that makes any sense). I have lots of posts that are about just entertainment and things that are fun. Books movies etc. I have no interest in politics or world news. I choose to not pay attention to either as really I have enough to worry about without letting the world depress me. Though it�s fun to watch you all be all passionate about things that are outside our control and educational.

Sorry that sheer stubbornness is one of my inherited traits. I will fight and fight to hold something together even if its posting what I hope things were like and not what they were like. Most people have the inclination to talk things into being. Will and the word, so to speak.

In the end, I apologize for everyone I offended. The stories are all true. My projected sense of haplessness or hopelessness was the only thing that I feel wasn�t real. I did feel that took any bias I had for my own situation out of the equation and allowed for true input and feedback without an color of my own. I know how well in real life I am at manipulation and skewing the results of a conversation or a meeting by preloading the conversation and really it was easier to act like road kill and just get a true response. Maybe that�s not fair to the collective intelligence of the group and a poor assumption about how everyone is and if so sorry.

I figure no one will ever forgive or whatever. I accept that. No different than I can�t forgive cassie for lying to me. My life is actually moving into a better place and I am happier than I have been in a long time not being a contorted version of myself to try to keep my wife happy, being a perverted version of myself to meet the expectations of strangers.

The last few weeks I have just reset to who my mom and dad raised. I am finding people like that guy without all the bullshit dog and pony show and well I really just wanted a chance to start over here but no idea how to do that other than start over as a new name, but that didn�t work either.

Dave

Responses:

All I will say to this is "Some kind of snide or snarky remark is soon to follow" should be the motto in the banner image. - Dr.Johnny Vermin Sep 7, 11:28 7
- Agreed. I also have no problem with JohnnyB's current or past posts or love interests. -- nm - CrankYanker Sep 7, 11:36 2
  - So got to come for a visit again -- nm - JohnnyB Sep 7, 11:39 1
    - yep, California is much better from a single person's point of view. ;-) -- nm - CrankYanker Sep 7, 11:40
- Well I was using kind words. Snark would a lot of times come across as quite hateful. But the past is the past and I am willing to walk away from it. - JohnnyB Sep 7, 11:32 2
  - Just remember that beating the dead horse is tradition here. - Dr.Johnny Vermin Sep 7, 11:37 1
    - See my post to Amoxy. I have peace in my life I have never had, ever. Its fine and I will overcome. -- nm - JohnnyB Sep 7, 11:40
- Respectfully regarding that...there's a difference between snark and contempt. -- nm - Will Hunting Sep 7, 11:30
the answer to your last comment, as least as it concerns me, is that you can't. - Reagen Sep 7, 11:25 28
- yah, you can't start over fresh. what you can do, though, is not keep carrying on the same way. - b. Sep 7, 11:29
- And I accept that. Like I stated I cant forgive cassie and I dont expect anyone to forgive but - JohnnyB Sep 7, 11:27 8
  - actually I had no particular feeling towards you in either direction. -- nm - Reagen Sep 7, 11:28 7
    - Is there anybody on the board you don't like? I always get the impression with you - amoxy Sep 7, 11:32 6
      - I know! I know!! -- nm - b. Sep 7, 11:34 1
        
        shhh. -- nm - Reagen Sep 7, 11:40
      - I imagine ReyRey's vulcan brain goes though levels of tolerance rather than like. (nM) - musubi, Benevolent Autocrat Sep 7, 11:33 3
        
        that may be more accurate. -- nm - b. Sep 7, 11:38
        
        How high is that throne you are imagining you are sitting on? -- nm - amoxy Sep 7, 11:35 1
        
        It's a grand and elegant throne, gilded with gold and gemstones. All who gaze upon it are awed with it's grandeur. - musubi, Benevolent Autocrat Sep 7, 11:37
- I think most of the bridges here can be...to a large degree. Samara was party to a pretty low-down thing; and I think if she'd come here more often - Will Hunting Sep 7, 11:26 17
  - All I am asking is to stay as this person, Me and well be given a chance without latent persecution for post sins and have actions prove the words. -- nm - JohnnyB Sep 7, 11:31 8
    - If you stay as Johnny B, you may get some more snarky comments - amoxy Sep 7, 11:34 1
      - Thanks dude. Love ya man. IF you are around for my next trip to chico - JohnnyB Sep 7, 11:39
    - I'm sorry dude...but admitting you've seen Mannequin 64 times pretty much burns the bridge with me. nm - Jim Sep 7, 11:33 5
      - Good think I didnt admit to the movie I have seen 159 times then. And I own the fact I love - JohnnyB Sep 7, 11:34 4
        
        Is "I own" on your New Phrase of the Day calendar? Rip that page out and burn it. - CovingtonCat Sep 7, 11:43 1
        
        Not sure that they both dont have da funk -- nm - Capstern Sep 7, 11:44
        
        See? Just when I was ready to write you off...you cop to the Air Supply. -- nm - Jim Sep 7, 11:37 1
        
        Ah what the hell. Yes the movie I have seen 159 times is from 1981 and a spoof of - JohnnyB Sep 7, 11:43
  - All you dorks practically beg her to come back and destroy you in FFB. - musubi, Benevolent Autocrat Sep 7, 11:28 7
    - Well, once you make Crash cry every season, you need new challenges. - Will Hunting Sep 7, 11:32 4
      - who the hell has done that? -- nm - crash davis Sep 7, 11:33 3
        
        Outside of Jim...everyone. -- nm - Will Hunting Sep 7, 11:33 2
        
        and you -- nm - crash davis Sep 7, 11:36 1
        
        Becuase I manhandle you....gently. - Will Hunting Sep 7, 11:37
    - Maybe the fact that he hasn't come back is the best sign that he's grown up. -- nm - Jim Sep 7, 11:29 1
      - Did you just call me not grown up? Eff you hoser! *b-slap* - musubi, Benevolent Autocrat Sep 7, 11:31

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Thanks Andie ( a response)

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