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boston.com Love Letters: My Boyfriend Is Depressed

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Dec 1 '11, 07:34

Hi Meredith,

I am a 30-year-old woman who has been married before. My ex-husband was obsessed with video games and basically chose to play them instead of spending any time with me. A few years ago I finally got a divorce and left the situation.

After going on dates here and there, I eventually met my current boyfriend, "Jay," through mutual friends and I felt instantly attracted to him. We started dating and have been together for over two years now. Things have been up and down. We've briefly split up a few times, but things have been great lately and I love him more than anything.

Here comes the problem: We both struggle with depression. Mine is seasonal, while his is sporadic and seems to be more severe. He tends to go through fits of depression where he will sleep all the time. Lately he's been sleeping or playing video games instead of wanting to spend time with me. The problem is that he doesn't realize that it's as bad as it is. When I've gotten upset and said that I feel like I haven't spent much time with him, he thinks I'm being over-dramatic. The other problem is that he hasn't been as attracted to me as he was just a few months ago. He says it's just because he's depressed, but yesterday he said that it's because he's bored with me and doesn't feel like being physical. I asked him if it would always be this way -- because I can't live like that ... so now I'm at an impasse.

At what point does me being understanding and wanting to wait it out through this fit of depression turn into me being a doormat and letting him walk all over me? It's genuinely wearing on me and now I am feeling depressed as well. I love him more than anything and always want to be with him in the future, but is there a future if he doesn't even want to sleep with me anymore?

� Beyond Depressed, Boston

Responses:

"he said that it's because he's bored with me and doesn't feel like being physical" run, honey run! - Epiphany Dec 1, 07:49 13
- Yeah, for me it would be, "I'll always be there for you if you want to talk or hang out" and start seeing other people. -- nm - mara Dec 1, 08:01
- seriously. If a guy says that ... he's not lying. -- nm - loosilu Dec 1, 07:50 11
  - and it's not depression making him say that. - Epiphany Dec 1, 07:55 10
    - it could be, but does it matter? -- nm - loosilu Dec 1, 07:57
    - disclaimer: never dated a guy with depression so I'm not an expert - Epiphany Dec 1, 07:56 8
      - actually, I got like this when I was out of work. nm -- nm - groiny Dec 1, 07:56 7
        
        non sex drive? or telling people you were bored with them? - Epiphany Dec 1, 07:58 6
        
        just a general disinterest in everytihing. nm -- nm - groiny Dec 1, 08:04 4
        
        [deleted] 2
        
        I got a job. - groiny Dec 1, 08:12 1
        
        [deleted]
        
        :/ glad you are no longer in that place -- nm - Epiphany Dec 1, 08:10
        
        a mean and uncompromising one too. -- nm - tRuMaN Dec 1, 08:00
Stop being so fat. -- nm - Max Dec 1, 07:48
nobody cares: this actually happened to me when I was 21 or 22. my then-boyfriend, jim the lug, would come home from work and go straight to bed, - amanda Dec 1, 07:45 7
- at least you realized it. good for you -- nm - CQ draped in tinsel Dec 1, 07:50 3
  - I'm not unsmart, really. I like being happy. and awake. -- nm - amanda Dec 1, 07:51 2
    - heh. hell, I dated someone for 5 years before coming to my senses. I was effin miserable -- nm - CQ draped in tinsel Dec 1, 08:02 1
      - I think everyone has a story about hanging on longer than they should have. - mafic Dec 1, 08:04
- on the upside, 85% of the time he'd rather sleep than talk to you -- nm - Max Dec 1, 07:47
- big hugs - that sucks big time -- nm - Epiphany Dec 1, 07:46 1
  - water under bridges. it's fine now. I almost never think about it. -- nm - amanda Dec 1, 07:48
she is a lifesucking harpy! nm -- nm - groiny Dec 1, 07:41
I'm sure if she waits it out and then marries him, the sex life will pick up dramatically -- nm - CQ draped in tinsel Dec 1, 07:38
maybe she's the problem. -- nm - mafic Dec 1, 07:37 2
- "I'm making the same mistakes with this relationship as my previous one. what can I do to change him?" -- nm - znufrii Dec 1, 07:42 1
  - hookers and cracks should help, for a time. -- nm - tRuMaN Dec 1, 07:43
Stop it! -- nm - znufrii Dec 1, 07:37
how does the doorman feel? -- nm - loosilu Dec 1, 07:36 1
- Firm -- nm - Epiphany Dec 1, 07:45
[deleted] 1
- she definitely needs therapy to see why she is picking the same guy, over and over again. -- nm - Epiphany Dec 1, 07:47

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boston.com Love Letters: My Boyfriend Is Depressed

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