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boston.com Love Letters - He Tells Little Lies and Stuff

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Feb 9 '12, 12:54

Hi Meredith,

I've been married for almost a decade and have three kids with a man I adore. But over the years I have caught him in little lies. I haven't always confronted him for fear of an argument. My concern is if there are little lies, there must be big lies. Where there are little fish there are big fish not far behind. I can't help but feel he is keeping more from me.
He is never one to admit that he did anything wrong; any problems/issues that have arisen over the years are always someone else's fault. A good example is when I got pregnant with our third child; he acted as though he didn't sleep with me. He didn't accuse me of cheating but instead acted as though he thought I was on the pill. I haven't been on the pill in more than a decade.

We rushed into marriage because I was pregnant. I'm not 100% sure he would have chosen me for his wife if I wasn�t pregnant. I didn't give him an ultimatum but did give him the option to choose with me as to what we were going to do. I wanted marriage but did not in any way push it, since even back then I wasn't sure he truly loved me.
He almost never makes an effort for us to do things as a couple. The excuses over the years have included that he is tired or we can't afford a babysitter. However, the minute a friend calls to get together, he's there. Which doesn�t happen that often but it's frustrating that he can find energy, time, and money to go have drinks with his friends. We do take a trip as a couple usually once a year. But usually it's me who makes all of the arrangements.

I also work full-time but very close to our home, so I'm usually the one who shuttles the kids around. My office job is demanding but my employer flexible so I can spend more time with the kids. However, balancing a full-time office job and a job as a mom leaves me exhausted most of the time.

I don't expect a "mom of the year" or "wife of the year" award but would like some appreciation. I get absolutely none. I also never get compliments like, "you look nice." I do get I love yous. We are intimate -- that is the one thing that is great in our relationship. Not sure how that exists since I feel everything else is a problem.

Communication is null. He comes home and we basically say the same things to each other ("How was your day?"). It's difficult to make decisions with him, it seems he disagrees with any suggestions I have. As a result, I usually hold back feelings and don't want to talk to him. But I end up keeping everything inside, until it erupts.

Most recently, we had a huge argument where we both agreed we were emotionally drained from the marriage. When the dust settled from the argument, I tried to resolve things with him; he didn't want to talk about it. But he wanted to be intimate. We still haven't discussed how we are going to resolve our issues or save our marriage. It's business as usual. But it feels very different this time. He assures me he loves me but I'm not so sure.

Is he emotionally unable to communicate or just gliding by until the kids are older enough, at which time he will want a divorce? I really don't know how much longer I can glide by. A marriage is built on trust, communication, friendship, love, intimacy, etc. We only have one of those items. I would love to go to couples counseling but am almost convinced he will never go for it. My mother recently confided in me that she thinks he is depressed. I never really thought of that as being the issue, it could be but it's so hard to tell.

Thanks in advance for reading my letter. I really appreciate it. I really don't have anyone I can talk to.

� Where there are little fish, there are big fish

Responses:

Fleetwood Mac references notwithstanding, that post is a lot more about her than him. -- nm - David Feb 9, 13:10
HTF do you not know your wife is not on the pill? -- nm - Spawn - The Blood Feud God Feb 9, 13:05
[deleted] 1
- but she goes on to describe a moment where they DO have a big argument so keep reading. - Diva Feb 9, 13:03
the lies thing at the start is not necessarily so, and it looks more like thinking as a symptom for the rest of what's happening. - b. Feb 9, 12:58
that letter ended so differently than it started -- nm - Sultana of Swing Feb 9, 12:58 1
- there's an awful lot going on here. -- nm - Diva Feb 9, 12:59
little white lies are an absolute necessity. That being said, you have some bigger issues than that. I don't know where to begin -- nm - CQ: Giving Love To All Feb 9, 12:57
[deleted] 1
- Yes. She is not happy, he is not happy. She should be talking to him -- nm - amoxy Feb 9, 12:58
that's a really longwinded to say "he doesn't love me; what should i do?" -- nm - TFox Feb 9, 12:57
go to counseling or get a lawyer. -- nm - znufrii Feb 9, 12:56 6
- also, a ridiculously misleading headline. - znufrii Feb 9, 12:57 5
  - i wrote that headline on my own because i didn't feel like leading w/ "We Have Marital Problems". -- nm - Diva Feb 9, 12:58 4
    - "We're basically Fucked, Right" doesn't really lure the reader in -- nm - CQ: Giving Love To All Feb 9, 12:59 2
      - there is obvs tons of stuff going on here. if i may address one portion of it though - - Diva Feb 9, 13:02 1
        
        yeah, that's some funny stuff right there. Their communication skills are fantastical -- nm - CQ: Giving Love To All Feb 9, 13:04
    - ah, apologies, thought it was the one that came with the article -- nm - znufrii Feb 9, 12:58

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boston.com Love Letters - He Tells Little Lies and Stuff

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