woot for Dano
Posted by
Spawn
Oct 22 '08, 09:02
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Like us, you probably think “Piranha” is a strange name for something you’re supposed to wear on your head. After all, no one in his right mind would put an actual piranha on his head, or anywhere near his face. The South American fish is an infamous killing machine, endowed with thousands of razor-sharp teeth and an insatiable appetite for blood and the flesh that contains it.
A school of piranhas can skeletonize a typical Cub Scout troop in under fifteen seconds. Large state schools of piranha will sometimes celebrate a successful skeletonization by rioting, pulling down traffic lights, smashing windows, and setting cars on fire. They are bad news, sister, with a capital B and N.
There are only two sets of circumstances in which you should even consider putting a piranha on your ears. The first is if the piranha is dead. And you should be absolutely sure it’s dead, too, not just lying there faking it in hopes some imprudent Cub Scout will put it on his ears. Piranhas can enter a near-death trance state in which they can go without oxygenated water for several minutes at a time, so you should keep yours in a secure, waterless container overnight and under constant surveillance so you know it didn’t sneak some water while no one was looking.
Then, and only then, will the Amazonian death-dealer be safe to put on your ears. The thing about this, though, is that there is very little payoff. The fish will feel cold and damp on your head, and look silly to boot. The only upside is that you can say you put a piranha on your head, which will perplex more people than it impresses, so don’t bother.
The other circumstance under which you might put a piranha on your ears is if it isn’t a fish at all, but Razer’s stereo gaming headphones.
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