ST Alpha - "so, here's my real life 'what would you do?'" (Reading a Post)

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so, here's my real life 'what would you do?'

Posted by The Andead (aka Andie) Oct 22 '12, 11:19

a very very close friend of mine has been married about 5 years (together with her husband probably 10). They have two little kids. They both work in tv and both of their jobs are very very stressful and require them to work crazy hours and not really get to spend a lot of quality time together. His hours are long and on set and he often works all night (this is normal - that part isn't suspicious).

Their marriage is rocky. She is now suspicious he might be having an affair (which actually shocked me at first). But, there actually are signs pointing to an emotional, if possibly not yet physical, affair. That and a few other things that a mutual friend said yesterday (not that she thought anything of what she was saying, her comments, from her perspective, were totally not about an affair), just shed a somewhat different light on a few things i'd heard elsewhere.

When the good friend asks me 'do YOU think he's cheating?' (which she hasn't actually outright asked yet, but she will, soon, i'm sure of it) do i say "honestly, yes, i do", with ZERO proof (because i do now think this), or do i just say 'i really don't know. maybe.'

I won't just reassure her blindly and lie and say 'no, no, he wouldn't do that.' That isn't at all helpful.

i have to say "i don't know", right? I mean, i really DON'T know. but she is going to press me for a gut reaction (she is a big big believer in listening to your instincts and she likes to bounce things off her few closest friends.)

so, just to confirm - under NO circumstances can i come right out and say 'yeah, i think he is. or will be soon.' - Right?

Responses:

"I don't know." is the least bad thing to say. -- nm - ceregon Oct 22, 11:39
I would present it how you presented it to us, as a maybe, with the reasons that have you suspicious -- nm - ty97 Oct 22, 11:37
What are the odds it's one of those comedy-style misunderstandings where he's actually planning a surprise? - Beryllium Oct 22, 11:29
I'd go with "I don't really know. But I have noticed you guys have been distant. You should talk with him instead of speculating." -- nm - colin Oct 22, 11:29 3
- and then suggest taking one of those stripper classes to rekindle the romance. -- nm - decline Oct 22, 11:32 1
  - buy a hot tub. take a vacation. just spend some time together. - colin Oct 22, 11:49
- this -- nm - Old Antarctic Explorer Oct 22, 11:30
what would you want her to do if situation was reversed? (if she's very very close friend - is there a down side to being honest?) -- nm - ZomBro Oct 22, 11:28 2
- the only downside is, i could be wrong. i know what i *believe*. and that's what she'll ask me. - The Andead Oct 22, 11:30 1
  - so say "I don't know. I have no evidence of such, but if you feel something is off, you need to discuss it with him" -- nm - decline Oct 22, 11:31
What I would tell her is that after 10 years together...she knows her husband better than anyone. If she thinks there's a problem, there probably is. -- nm - Jim Oct 22, 11:23 8
- Jim is smart -- nm - Phantom of the Pippy Oct 22, 11:32 4 1
  - His birthday was last week, silly. -- nm - Spawn Oct 22, 11:39
  - *favourties* -- nm - Jim Oct 22, 11:33 2
    - I just don't understand PEOPLE - why get married if you ( as a person, not you specifically Jim) aren't ready - Phantom of the Pippy Oct 22, 11:37 1
      - Middle Age Crazy. -- nm - Spawn Oct 22, 11:39
- This. -- nm - volnelk Oct 22, 11:24
- oh, i like this. thank you. -- nm - The Andead Oct 22, 11:24 1
  - No problemo. When you're with someone for that long, you can sense when something's "off"...and never have I gotten that sense and been proven wrong. - Jim Oct 22, 11:27
"I don't know, but I seriously doubt it." -- nm - Don Homer Oct 22, 11:22 5
- but, see, i don't doubt it -- nm - The Andead Oct 22, 11:23 4
  - I realize that, just not a fan of being involved in other's marital situations. -- nm - Don Homer Oct 22, 11:24 3
    - But that is still offering an opinion. -- nm - Spawn Oct 22, 11:25 1
      - "I have no idea." would be better. -- nm - Spawn Oct 22, 11:25
    - understood. -- nm - The Andead Oct 22, 11:24
You cannot say that. What you can say is "I have no idea and I'm not the person you should be asking." -- nm - David Oct 22, 11:22 9
- oh, she's asked him. -- nm - The Andead Oct 22, 11:23 8
  - How did he respond? -- nm - David Oct 22, 11:24 7
    - angry and told her she had to trust him. (it was about who he was texting all through my wedding reception) -- nm - The Andead Oct 22, 11:25 6
      - That (the texting *and* his reaction) is a warning sign. -- nm - Mop on Mac Pro Oct 22, 11:26 1
        
        oh, i know. i think he IS cheating. -- nm - The Andead Oct 22, 11:27
      - (he said it was work.) -- nm - The Andead Oct 22, 11:26 3
        
        Sure, sure. Let me see your phone. -- nm - Mop on Mac Pro Oct 22, 11:26 2
        
        i'm not the person who can do that. i can only control MY actions here. not hers. not his. -- nm - The Andead Oct 22, 11:28
        
        This is the most direct path. Unwillingness to do so is tacit admision of guilt. -- nm - David Oct 22, 11:28
Do *not* say yes with no proof. It gets a "maybe". -- nm - Spawn Oct 22, 11:21

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so, here's my real life 'what would you do?'

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