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boston.com Love Letters - I Come From Money

Posted by Deev Another Day (aka Diva) Nov 6 '12, 06:31

Q: Hi Meredith,

I think I've stumbled upon a problem in my once-perfect relationship, and I could really use some advice.

My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s and have been together for three years. We have the time of our lives when we are together, and I care about him very much. However, it's recently become apparent how very different our upbringings were, and I'm worried this is going to cause problems down the line should we choose to get married.

I come from money. Not tens of millions, but millions. My father is a hard-working man from a modest background and had great success in his career. I have never wanted for a thing in my life: clothes, traveling, housing, cars, etc. I have always had access to the best of everything. I did attend college and now have a decent paying career that I enjoy very much. My father instilled a great work ethic in me. I plan on working and advancing in my career for a long time. (I am not looking for a man to take care of me financially, I fully intend on contributing to my lifestyle.)

My boyfriend comes from a nice family. His childhood was much different than mine. There was always food on the table and a decent roof over his head, but paying for the basic bills was an issue. His father was always in and out of work, which I view as irresponsible and passive. I think the man of the house should do everything in his power to provide his family with a decent life. He didn't have that "money safety net" that I had my entire life (and to be honest, still do). He paid for everything, and also contributed to his parents' bills since he was about 15 years old. He put himself through college, and now has a well-paying job (he makes double my salary). He is very smart and works very hard, two qualities which I obviously find attractive.

At the risk of sounding like a giant snob, I've spent my entire life around the richest of rich people. I don't understand what it's like to struggle financially. I am a bit concerned that I tie the identity of "the rich kid" to my self-worth. It can also be crippling to grow up as the child of privilege and have giant expectations placed upon you.

Am I naive to think that this is going to work? We are so fundamentally different in our views on money and lifestyle. HELP!

Should you choose this letter, I hope it doesn't turn into a political discussion, or people commenting that I am a spoiled, privileged brat. It's just the way I grew up and I understand that it is my family's money, not mine. I really am interested in the thoughts that more experienced long-term couples have to offer, since I know money is one of the top reasons for divorce.

Thanks Meredith!

� QC in MA

Responses:

this is why people in their 20s amuse me. -- nm - ThunderProfit Nov 6, 06:48
I'll be interested to see this response -- nm - Beakraker Nov 6, 06:43 1
- i'll post on next board. -- nm - Deev Another Day Nov 6, 06:43
use a vibrator instead of getting off on money - dogbert Nov 6, 06:42
I always find it amusing when people think their adult lives have to be exactly like their family growing up. -- nm - Reagen Nov 6, 06:41
'which I view as irresponsible and passive' is like the hallmark of ignorant privelege. -- nm - mafic Nov 6, 06:40 2
- yeah, that's obnoxious. -- nm - loosilu Nov 6, 06:45 1
  - I agree but contend (see below) that's it's the result of a very limited world experience to date, one she may be growing out of -- nm - ty97 Nov 6, 06:47
She wants out but has not found a tangible reason. This is the best rationale she has found. -- nm - David Nov 6, 06:40
Woe is her. How awful to grow up without a single care. What a burden all that money and success must be. - TWuG Nov 6, 06:39
Signed... Tagg Romney in a dress. -- nm - Mop Nov 6, 06:39
I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. She's not saying it is a problem, but she's wondering if it could become one. - ty97 Nov 6, 06:38 3
- This is what I think too. When their relationship is far enough along, they should talk about and agree onwhat they want to spend money on and do that -- nm - Roger More Nov 6, 06:41 2
  - I get the feeling she's on the fence of maturing into a 'normal' person, but this is her first venture outside of her monied world. - ty97 Nov 6, 06:44 1
    - the kids and money discussion would be interesting. they may have different values on that, but that's just a conversation to be had. -- nm - Deev Another Day Nov 6, 06:45
So, there really isn't an issue other than you have different levels of money? - Will Hunting Nov 6, 06:38 10
- I think she just doesn't love him but is trying to come up with a "logical" reason why it won't work. -- nm - Dano Nov 6, 06:48
- if you are talking about *their* money - he makes twice what she does. i don't get her issue. -- nm - Moneypandie Nov 6, 06:39 8
  - I'm guessing, she thinks they make good money and wants to spend it on Audis & trips to France & good times, while he wants to save for a rainy days -- nm - Roger More Nov 6, 06:44 2
    - That's probably it. "What do you mean "save"!? Money doesn't run out! I learned that as a kid! If it runs out, you must be lazy and irresponsible!" -- nm - TWuG Nov 6, 06:48
    - or help his parents. Asshole. - Deev Another Day Nov 6, 06:46
  - I mean in general....both work....they come from and have different money levels...but what the hell is her issue? - Will Hunting Nov 6, 06:41 3
    - "his daddy is a hillbilly" -- nm - Beakraker Nov 6, 06:42 1
      - this is probably actually part of it. "whatever will my family and friends think of his uncouth, blue collar parents?" -- nm - mafic Nov 6, 06:45
    - totally agree. it's a bizarre thing to be worried about - he has the qualities she says she wants, with the paycheck, Issue? None. -- nm - Moneypandie Nov 6, 06:42
  - Maybe that's the issue. -- nm - spamlet Nov 6, 06:41
how are they so different? you said you both have strong work ethics. he is doing what her own father did. - Moneypandie Nov 6, 06:38
It sounds like the spark is gone and she's digging for excuses to get out of a relationship with an objectively good guy. -- nm - Dano Nov 6, 06:38 1
- This -- nm - amoxy Nov 6, 06:39
"It's not that I'm a spoiler privileged brat, I was raised like that!" - Guigue Nov 6, 06:37
I want to punch her -- nm - decline Nov 6, 06:37
so what's the issue here? He's a better person than you? Deal with it -- nm - The Man With The Golden CQ Nov 6, 06:35 3
- i can't figure it out. it sounds like she's asking for permission to dump a good relationship becasue he didn't come from money so it can't - Deev Another Day Nov 6, 06:38 2
  - it's just a bizarre entry. there's not any real problem -- nm - The Man With The Golden CQ Nov 6, 06:40
  - i know, it's a weird problem (in that, there is no problem.) -- nm - Moneypandie Nov 6, 06:39
You are a spoiled, privileged brat. Wow how obnoxious, you do not deserve him -- nm - amoxy Nov 6, 06:35
If he's very smart, he'll git rid of you. -- nm - Loyola Nov 6, 06:34
what a huge entitled bitch -- nm - Beakraker Nov 6, 06:34
"I think the man of the house should do everything in his power to provide his family with a decent life." oof -- nm - amanda Nov 6, 06:34 2
- To me, that said "daddy issues" more than entitlement. -- nm - Roger More Nov 6, 06:38
- "But I'm not looking for someone to take care of me" -- nm - spamlet Nov 6, 06:35
shoot yourself. -- nm - znufrii Nov 6, 06:33

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boston.com Love Letters - I Come From Money

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