She keeps trying to strike up idle conversation. I'm confused.
Posted by
Mop (aka rburriel)
Dec 23 '12, 15:51
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Venting, I guess.
Before we finalized the paperwork and I thought we still had a chance of making things work, I was still cordial. I tried to chat. I'd ask her about her day, I'd send her IM's at work of links I thought she'd find interesting. Seeing that she was online at all was kind of encouraging. But she wasn't really into it. Ultimately, she stated outright, she just want to get it over with and I was stalling. We had a "talk". She made it clear there wasn't going to be any reconciliation. We had nothing in common and didn't want to chit chat with me so long as I was prolonging all this. I wonder if this was the clean break I needed, the point where I finally allowed myself to be released. I laid out everything I felt I needed to be made clear, answered all her questions regarding the paperwork. I made it abundantly clear at this point that the kids were going to stay in the house. The house wasn't going to be sold. And if that meant she kept the house, then so be it.
So she dashed off the paperwork, and it was done. Now it's all "How was your day?" and - strangely - "How's that new Halo game?" WTF is that? I mean, she hasn't shown any interest in what I do in YEARS. Now she's being all cordial.
This nothing in common crap is bullshit she tells herself, I guess, to make it easier. Every night we watch the same TV shows together. On nights when I'm playing Halo, it's all "I can't watch anything because you want to see it too." We have the same radio stations in our cars. We visit the same websites and link to the same things. But we have nothing in common? Yet, when I suggested I could come over Wednesday nights and we could watch Survivor together, she responded to me like I was deranged. That wasn't going to happen. No way. No how. Yet, even through the toughest part of this season, we both watch Survivor - and TAR, and the Voice, etc. - and we still dialogued passionately about what was happening. But that was before. Now, I have no interest in watching anything with her.
I get it. I'm over it. I don't want to spend time with someone who doesn't want to spend time with me. For 15 years I tried to engage her and make her happy and all I did was make her more miserable. I'm the hand-holding, cuddling type, and I longed for any kind of physical contact, or just some conversation. But not anymore. Not with her, anyway. I just don't feel any bond with her any more.
At this point, if reconciliation came up, I don't think I could go for it. I certainly couldn't go back to the way it's been for years. She'd have to present some damn compelling argument about "for the good of the kids" or her state of mind or things will be different (although I'll grant a lot of that lies on my shoulders) but I just don't see it. I want to move on and find someone more attuned to me. Hopefully they'll be less disgusted by my presence than she is.
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