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So, I've got a problem.

Posted by ty97 Feb 13 '09, 12:22

My mother seems to think I'm her best friend/playmate. She also seems to fear the concept of empty nest/me ever moving out. I've been contemplating moving within the next year. I don't think she knows this, but I fear what will happen when I do (her getting sad/depressed, not angry or anything. Also, I fear guilt to stay, though it wouldn't be outright guilt, it would be more subtle, maybe even somewhat subconscious on her part)

Case in point, sorta: I have a week off the road later this month. During it, I'm going to NY for the weekend, then WV to work from my brother's house. Then I'm on the road for many weeks. All told, it means I'm away from home basically 8 weeks straight. My mother found out my brother is a bit busy with work so tried to convince me to come home for the week instead, and spend time there (she's lonely/depressed about the move lately, if I haven't mentioned that). I told her it would cost a whole lot of money to change the flights and that I'd now booked my work flights to fly from my brother's house anyway. She said (somewhat sad/somewhat maybe upset) that she wishes I hadn't waited to see if prices dropped. (the trip is in 8 days. Prices won't drop, I don't think). Plus I had to book my work trip before it got costly.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but this is my conundrum:
- I love my mother, dearly.
- I am an adult. An Independent adult.
- I'm really wanting to be out on my own. If not for my special work circumstances (and wanting to save $$$ during it) I probably would be already.
- I worry about my mother and her being sad. Now, and when I move.
- I know when I tell her I'm moving (whenever that is) she's going to try to convince me why that doesn't make financial sense considering m job. And she's right, it doesn't. But there are other considerations in life other than finances, like "having a life". But there's no way to say that to her that doesn't sound cold that I can think of.

I don't know what I'm looking for, maybe just to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

(and hey, if you've got advice, hey I'll take it)

Responses:

when you *are* home make sure you spend some time with both your parents doing *outside the home things*. - Andie Feb 13, 12:37
She just moved. She's lonely. She needs friends that are local. -- nm - TWuG Feb 13, 12:31
1. You have to remember that you aren't responsible for your mother's emotions. 2. If she's very sad/depressed/etc maybe she should go get some - Trish Feb 13, 12:30 1
- Not depressed or anything but maybe *I* need to go on a nice trip thru Califormia wine country or something. - Diva Feb 13, 12:35
I think it'll be tough on her at first, but eventually it will all be fine. She'll get over it and come to like it -- nm - CQ Feb 13, 12:28
[deleted]
get her a dog -- nm - decline Feb 13, 12:27 3
- poor dog. -- nm - zork Feb 13, 12:28
- not the same thing but (spoilers) - ty97 Feb 13, 12:28 1
  - "Dad you need to spend more time with mom and keep her occupied. -- nm - lileve Feb 13, 12:29
You just needed to vent. She will be fine in the end. You do need to live your own life and in your own place. -- nm - lileve Feb 13, 12:26
my father and i had/have a similar dynamic. as much as i miss him, being 3000 miles away has not been a totally bad thing for me -- nm - pigby Feb 13, 12:26
some of my best life decisions are those when i tried to be as selfish as possible. i think you need to do the same thing. - kare Feb 13, 12:24 4
- word. "Mom, I'm too old to be living at home. Sorry, if that isn't what you want but it's what I need." -- nm - zork Feb 13, 12:26
- I agree (possibly vehemently) with every word of your IM. - ty97 Feb 13, 12:26 2
  - you've both benefitted from the situation up to this point. but you've got a life to live, and you can still be great friends even when you don't live - kare Feb 13, 12:30
  - I agree with your IM. you're feeding it. -- nm - loosilu Feb 13, 12:29
That sounds a lot like my mother and me. - nubby Feb 13, 12:24 5
- Did she say "a husband or a wife yet"? -- nm - Diva Feb 13, 12:28 4
  - spoiler - nubby Feb 13, 12:29 3
    - really? -- nm - Epiphany Feb 13, 12:31
    - We probably should watch what we say on your Facebook then, eh? -- nm - oblique, better than nubby Feb 13, 12:31
    - Oh. -- nm - Diva Feb 13, 12:31
go to the doctor to get a cream for that -- nm - zork Feb 13, 12:23

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So, I've got a problem.

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