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boston.com Love Letters - Haunted By the Ghost of his Ex...

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Apr 18 '13, 11:46

Hi,

I have been dating this great guy for three months. He's someone with whom I could see building a life. We're both older (mid-30s and early 40s) and have a better sense of who we are and what we want, as well as baggage. Both of us have had serious relationships. In his case, it's an ex-wife of seven years who left him after multiple affairs he knew nothing about at the time.

Understandably, it was heartbreaking. He has taken five years working through it and feels like he is in a place to try again. However, the ex is still around in spirit -- the house they bought, fixtures she selected, and pictures where she's not visible but somehow has a connection to the subject. We talked early on because I was worried after she somehow was mentioned in every date. She's a huge part of his past and I don't want to discredit her role. The references are always devoid of emotion, usually just made in context as he shares stories from his life. Alas, her name still comes up in almost every date. I don't know what to think. On one hand, it doesn't bother me because I really do sense she is a part of his past. On the other hand, I find myself wondering if I would want to build a life around these memories. I'm not sure what to think. Is it normal to frequently reference past loves, even in an emotionally-neutral context? How do you know when someone has truly let go?

� Wondering About a Ghost, Between Land and Sea, Mass.

Responses:

3 months is not a long time...If he is still mentioning her, after 6 months, then let it go -- nm - Flavorize w/fava beans Apr 18, 11:54 3
- he's still talking about the ex - FIVE years later. that is a sign of " not over her yet" -- nm - Epiphany Apr 18, 11:55 2
  - True. But, everyone goes from love to love, like Tarzan with the vines. She's got to make herself the new vine, first before he can let go of the - Flavorize w/fava beans Apr 18, 11:59 1
    - Uhm, he will always refuse to let go of the 5 year old vine. -- nm - Spawn Apr 18, 12:00
3 months vs 7 years. You'll have to stick with him longer to create memories he talks about. -- nm - Max Apr 18, 11:54 5
- If I go out with a girl even three times and she mentions her ex every date, I am out the door. - Spawn Apr 18, 11:57 3
  - doesn't that depend though? "Oh, this one time when i was in Italy, and we ..." "When were you in Italy?" "About 7 years ago we went to visit - Andie Apr 18, 12:00
  - Would you say something about it? or just walk and not return their calls? -- nm - Max Apr 18, 11:59 1
    - "I hope you and your X are happy not-together." -- nm - A note Apr 18, 12:00
- *high five* -- nm - Andie Apr 18, 11:55
"On one hand, it doesn't bother me"............. are you sure? no, are you really sure? maybe you want to look at that hand again -- nm - dogbert Apr 18, 11:51
Well, let's start with the fact that this guy needs a therapist, and he's using this woman as a crutch. - Mop (190 lbs) Apr 18, 11:51 2
- I don't think that's true at all. -- nm - amanda Apr 18, 11:52 1
  - me either. when you are dating someone and sharing stories of the past, his only real option is to include stories that involve his ex. - Andie Apr 18, 11:55
He knew. -- nm - amoxy Apr 18, 11:48
At a certain point, you should be able to talk about the past. It's a huge part of his life. It'll change over time. - colin Apr 18, 11:48 1
- this -- nm - Beaker Apr 18, 11:51
OFFS. He will never be over it. -- nm - Spawn Apr 18, 11:47 3
- I'm with you - she cheats on him, he keeps things around? what? no, sir. He's likely in a big ole heap of - Epiphany Apr 18, 11:57 2
  - he's not keeping, like, her clothes, it's building fixtures. -- nm - Andie Apr 18, 11:58 1
    - Which he is using to live in the past. He needs to sell that place, pronto. -- nm - Spawn Apr 18, 11:59

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boston.com Love Letters - Haunted By the Ghost of his Ex...

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