I... HATE... MUMMIES... er... VAMPIRES! (Van Helsing bet extended play-by-play, contains spoilers)
Posted by
Qale (aka Qale)
Feb 14 '09, 11:06
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Nothing starts a movie with a bang like an angry mob, but all I can think about while they try and infiltrate Dracula's castle is why is Frankenstine and Igor present. Ah well, at least Dracula has sense enough to keep most of his special effects thus far to shilloette format. Too bad I can't say the same for the castle he's in or his bodacious brides. Nice flaming windmill however.
Since we've survived the opening segment, we're now punished with an absolutely tragic version of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. Seriously? The result is kind of a cross between Hellboy and Fat Bastard. DO NOT FUCKING WANT! Upon felling this foe, Van Helsing is introduced to his next task and the Vatican's version of Q. Great.
On to Transexual Transylvania complete with a Riff Raff who led to riff raff mob at the beginning. Now joined by Hot Topic's favorite girl Kate Beckinsale. She just faced off with some of the best special effects seen thus far (fucking furries) and she's not in the mood to give Mr. Helsing and Stitch a warm welcome.
Too bad for her, the CGI Triplets are back and are ready to fight. Van Helsing shows us just how terrible of a shot he is. After the girls juggle Kate around a bit, eventually the chicks reveal their true form: cheap belly dancers with fake accents. They rough up Kate some more while Van Helsing finally figures out how to upgrade his weapon in order to kill a bride. The others skulk away.
Dracula goes bat-shit goth over the loss and performs some more miraculously awful CGI and wire work. When the subject of the furry comes up, the brides are understandably upset but he shows the bitches their place. Igor makes another cameo along with a weird looking Jawa army.
Meanwhile Van Helsing tries to explain to the Goth Princess that she can't do it alone. She doesn't listen and he eventually is forced to spray her like a house cat who won't get off the couch.
When she awakes, she finds herself alone in an empty house. She picks up a mace which I think is a particularly bad choice since they only do extra damage to non-vampire undead. Awful camera tricks continue, but at least her boots are faboo! Sadly she learns her brother was turned into a furry.
Helsing with the aid of his Ye Old Comic Relief� arms himself with silver bullets and the hunt begins. Riff Raff interrupts the fun, but thankfully he's destroyed before he can make too many more faux macabre one liners. Unfortunately, Mr. Everything Otherworldly Hunter is unable to slay the furry as Kate prevents it and trys to make some stupid case that he can't help his evil yiffing ways.
Back in Bill Nye the Science Guy's lair, Igor is preparing something big. Outside, the heroes approach Castle Frank-N-Furter probably in search of a telephone unknowing that castles don't have phones.
The furry sheds even more, overusing what was the only good special effect so far. Dracula scolds him, and rightfully so. There's some nonsense about the past, but the general idea is that the Count is going to use the furry to rule the world with the assistance of Jawas. Ootini!
Helsing and his obvious love interest discover Dracula and his brides have been bumpin' coffins. Fortunately for the moment the cocoons -- wait... what? This doesn't even fucking make any sense. Well anyway, after they get electrified, Helsing plays an extended game of Ooey Gooey Bag in which the splatter makes THE EXACT SAME SOUND EFFECT EACH TIME. Eventually they all hatch providing hundreds of gargoyle like creatures adding not only more incredulity to the plot but more sad CGI effects to flurry across the screen.
Dracula gets pissed when Van Helsing picks off a half dozen of his offspring prompting their first face-to-face. Igor deems the furry insufficient and claims he can't hold it much longer, Captian. The townsfolk walk outside and get mauled by the young fanglings. Kate boringly battles the Jawas.
After all this non-stop action, it's more than past time for some plot. There's no worse way to introduce it than speak about it all in the past tense and that's exactly what Dracula does. Thankfully Van Helsing isn't having none of that... at least momentarily. He introduces the Count to Jesus Christ his personal Saviour which really irritates him for all of about four seconds.
The winged bitches get quite upset when their offspring start spontaneously exploding for no apparent reason other than perhaps Kate screwed up the Electro-Furry experiment. I don't fucking know.
Van and Kate scurry away, discussing the finer things in life like how they don't know to kill Dracula, why they'll be screwing by the end of the film, and how to fall into the next plot device underneath the windmill from the beginning of the film. Equally retarded is the Monk, er Friar, playing with moving pictures as well as a townie.
Frank-N-Berry lives! After a little scuffle, the trio start listening to each other and propel what I hope is leading to the end of this mash-up from hell. Too bad the furry was eavesdropping. Fucking furries.
Wait. What's this. Rome? No! This is only going to prolong the agony. Oh that's right. We haven't had a pointless montage. Alright, alright. Carry on.
Expectedly Van Helsing runs into trouble, namely repetitive trouble starring the CGI Brides. They cause Frankenstein to fall down a ravine that is like thousands of miles deep and in an attempt to save the creature, another bride bites the dust. Yay!
Kate arrives with another carriage, but so does the furry. Somehow there is fire suddenly involved and it's another runaway horse carriage scene. Everyone leaps from the burning wreckage, and Van Helsing gives the disgusting creature a few shots for good measure. Sadly the film decides not to kill it with fire. Kate is upset that Van killed her brother, but she's quickly nabbed by the final bride.
Oh, Van Helsing was bitten by the furry. Oh shit!
In Budapest, the Bride proposes a trade... the girl for the monster. On All Hallows Eve of course. And during a Masquerade Ball as well. Of course. With the monster safely locked away, the duo ramble on about how Van Helsing will soon be leaping into fur piles. Oh and there's a cameo by Thing from The Addams Family.
During the pretty effing creepy Ball, The Count and Kate trade sarcastic comments, sometimes speaking without moving their mouths, but generally tell us what we already know. No one is interested in doing any trades and actually Dracula would love to get a chance to stake her someplace interesting. There ends up being a daring rescue and then another face-to-face.
But goddamnit, Igor's got the monster and wheels the guy who screams a bunch of nonsense.
Dracula announces Van Helsing's presence and apparently all of the Masquerade goers have bones to pick with him. They get asploded without much explanation as to who or what they were. The Jawas end up capturing Frankenstein and take him away while Van Helsing and his not-so-funny-anymore comic sidekick have a bitch fit that includes a reminder that Van Helsing will soon become a fucking furry.
There's only two hours before the Count unleashes more babies onto the world, so the next scene is all about telling the history of the plot as quickly as possible. Deal with the Devil. Left hand of God. Latin inscriptions left unfinished, but wait, Van Helsing's got the missing piece and weeeeee we've not got a door but a mirror -- oh, no wait, it's a door just covered with terrible special effects that make me want a refreshing Coca-Cola for some reason.
Van Helsing and his companion better hit up a save point, because as they look upon Castle Dracula the background music can only mean one thing. It's Boss Battle time!
Utilizing his new powers, they're inside the castle in a few quick leaps. They bear witness to all the cocoons which only serves as a huge reminder of just what a fucking joke this vampire movie is. Igor makes another quick appearance, but is quickly ditched for a Franken-popcicle. Part man, part machine, all delicious!
Finally a plan is hatched that involves as many cliches as possible including the stroke of midnight, a possible backstabbing villain working for allies under duress, and the plea that if he doesn't succeed they must kill him. Oh, and of course a kiss. Thankfully this occurs between Van Helsing and Katey and not anyone involving Igor. Creepy bastard.
In a spiraling aerial shot, we're shown the complexity of Count Dracula's plan to animate his children. It reiterates the silly nature that supernatural beings must use so much electrical power. Ghouls need to go green.
Igor does double-cross unsurprisingly leaving Kate and Sidekick alone with the antidote for the furry fandom and the last of the Brides. Despite being the final one, she's got more than enough bad CGI and strange accented one-liners to make up for it. The Friar escapes only to end up having to do battle with Igor weilding a supersized taser.
Suddenly atop the tower, Van Helsing chats politely with the monster before a huge fucking lightning orgy ebbs throughout the tower. And while that seems impressive, The Count makes sure to let us know he needs one more bolt to get his precious life. That comes soon enough, and vamplings are popping out everywhere!
Frank gets free, slides via cables all the way down to where he can symbolically off Igor.
Meanwhile, Kate still has to battle the Bride in several short cut scenes that are as non-sexy as possible with plenty of icky CGI-tongue action. Fortunately, Frank ends up crashing the party and saving Kate from the oh-so-typical lesbian connotations of being in a vampire movie.
Suddenly, midnight begins to toll and Van Helsing sadly has turned full-fur. The Count unleashes his true form and the two tubberware looking monsters start to duke it out.
Oh, but Kate isn't completely free. The Bride finds a way to strike her yet again, causing her to lose both the antidote and create more bad CGI moments. As the frenzied pace gets even faster and chaotic, even the most simple effects like blue screen behind a swinging actress gets worse and worse. At least she stakes the final Bride.
Back at the main event, The Count tries to sweetalk his way into Van Fursing's bed. But it doesn't go well as the warewolf lashes out angerly. Dracula babbles more about the past, not that anyone is really paying attention anymore. Especially since he brings up some minor point from earlier in the film, like a ring. Finally, in a truly non-epic moment, Van Fursing simply bites into the Count's neck offing him lamely.
The Friar catches up to the action, but Hugh Jackman has been cured of his sexual deviance. Sadly, however, it appears the beauty to his beast has not survived the ordeal. And as her funeral pyre burns in the background, The Monster decides he wants to go boating. But wait, we have a Mufasa/Simba moment to laugh at which is by far funnier than Frankenstein chartering a hand-made raft.
Finally, Van Helsing puts his hat back on and he and his side-kick ride off into the sunset while the demonic boy's choir sings his name over and over again in hauntingly terrible refrains. Roll terribly offending self-indulgent credits!
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