boston.com Love Letters: My Friend is Sending Sexy Texts
Posted by
Diva (aka Diva)
Jul 18 '13, 06:52
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Hi Meredith,
I have been in a relationship for four years with a great man. At about the same time I met him, I met my best friend as I began a new job. For the first year or so, my relationship was not official and more "friends with benefits," but we were both monogamous to the best of my knowledge.
My friend asked me on dates several times over that year, and each time I politely declined. I felt that there was a spark between us, but we are incredibly poorly suited for a relationship (different personalities, interests, etc.), and I was in love with my now-husband and pursuing that relationship. Eventually he stopped asking, and I thought we had a great friendship and it had worked itself out. There was never any physical contact between us beyond friends. We each went to different jobs but remained very good friends.
My friend recently ended a fairly lengthy and tumultuous relationship and I have tried to be there for him. I am not sure how it started or if I invited it in some way, but he has been texting me highly inappropriate comments about his interest in me. I tried to ignore them or change the subject. They have been escalating to sexual matters, and now I feel like I made the wrong decision to ignore them, but I thought he was just blowing off steam and making himself feel better. They are spiraling out of control but I'm not sure how to curb this now that I have been complicit in allowing them to continue. I did make one mistake -- I told him that I felt the spark but I am happily married, and it is just too late. I was trying to be honest, but it seems he latched onto the "spark" part and ignored the rest.
I also feel very guilty, like I've let my husband down or betrayed him in some way. I don't want to hurt anyone or lose my best (and one of my only) friends. I am very introverted and prefer to have only one or two very good friends, and he means a lot to me. I have lost many friends in the past due to unrequited feelings and I feel like whatever I do it ends up being the wrong action. I have stopped talking to him so much, and sometimes leave his texts unanswered for days, but I do miss my friend and wish we could talk more easily. I know communication is a big suggestion, and usually I think I have fairly good communication skills, but this one is just a mess because I don't want to embarrass him by forcing him to acknowledge his feelings again. There is another layer in this mess -- I have to admit that secretly some of the texts turn me on. Is this normal?
� Red in the Face, Boston
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