There is a poll in this post, but I decided to have some fun with it, so read in the IM. if you would please.
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Here at Truspam Collegiate University, go UCTs!, we pride ourselves on offering a program that differentiates you from every other student in the world, except for the select few who are here with you today that is, we can’t help you with that one. Please dont murder them though, there is a lot of paperwork we have to complete when you do and it really ruins the year for me.
One of the things which makes our program so widely discussed is our unique ways of teaching. You won’t find any classes to attend, any lectures to read, any weekly homework, we dont even assign books. We threw out the old and tired college playbook for something entirely different. We even threw out the semesters. Our classes go from September to May, broken into Part 1, September through January, and Part 1, January through May. You must pass Part 1 to be able to continue on into Part 2. If you fail Part 1, we give you a dunce cap to wear the remaining portion of the academic year.
So you may be thinking "Awesome, Party Time" and I would say "those people haven’t read their class schedule" as Party time is your 4th class this year, from 2 to 4pm every weekday. You really should be more prepared on your first day of Graduate classes, seriously people.
Now, I am not going to bore you with specifics today, your Peer Referees and Counselors will provide much more detailed information during your group sessions today. But, I am here to introduce you to another thing that makes us different. Our Yearly thesis program. See, we believe that you can’t grow and succeed unless you learn to write things that are exactly 5 pages long, single spaced, justified paragraphs, with half inch margins. Exactly 5 pages, not a word longer, or shorter, period.
So your theme this year is a repeat from a few years back, but only because I love it so much, and really since my name is on this school, it really is all about what I love. But before I give you the theme, let’s talk a bit about how this works. Today you get the theme, by the end of the day you are required to submit your own personal topic to write about. Your Part 1 of this assignment is due on October 1, at 11:33 am. It will be graded and returned by December 1. Part 2 of the assignment is due March 21, at 16:39. It will be graded by May 1. Those passing this assignment will have all their tuition for the next school year waived. Those failing will be required to pay an additional 15% in a "dear god how did I blow this assignment" penalty.
So, what is your theme this year? It’s simple; we want your most outlandish conspiracy theory. Please note, don’t just describe it, you also need to back it up with "facts" and "details", it needs to convince us to believe, or at least think we might believe. Part 2, as it always is, is writing the rebuttal of your Part 1 assignment. Past topic performers for this topic have been "How the Harry Potter movies really are propaganda for the Australian Oligarchy taking over the world", "Why sheep really are the boogey man" and one of my personal favorites "How oreos predict the failing middle class by creating a vaccum of competing milk dunking cookies".
One more thing; you could possibly increase your odds of passing this year assignment by taking the "course" multiple times, up to 3 times to be exact, but please be warned, if you turn in 2 stinkers and 1 excellent idea, your score may get reduced for forcing us to read the stinkers.
So, please refer to your laminated schedules for the rest of the day, and please, enjoy your school year.
Party on dudes!
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