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dear prudence: My Ex Didn't Mention She Was Transgender

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Mar 20 '14, 07:43

Dear Prudie,
Several years ago I dated a woman named “Rhonda” for three months. I broke up with her after her sister “Amy” revealed to me that Rhonda was born “Ron” and showed me ample evidence. When I confronted Rhonda about her being a transsexual woman, she broke down and confessed that she was going to tell me, but only after we had been intimate! (Luckily we hadn’t been yet.) It wasn’t her transsexuality that ended the relationship, but her deception; I am not a transphobic person. Rhonda took the breakup badly and stopped speaking to Amy, and on top of that their parents took Rhonda’s side and accused Amy of trying to ruin Rhonda’s life out of jealousy. Later, Amy and I began dating and eventually married. Her parents refused to attend the wedding as a show of solidarity with Rhonda, despite Amy’s attempts to reconcile with all of them. Now we are expecting our first child and Amy’s parents have expressed tentative interest in being a part of their grandchild’s life. I, however, want these people to have nothing to do with my child or my wife. They are a toxic influence and their enabling of Rhonda’s deceptive behavior is appalling to me. My wife disagrees. How can I help her cut ties with these horrid people?

—Trying to Protect My Family

Responses:

The problems really started when you began dating the sister, dumbass. -- nm - Qale Mar 20, 08:50
Based on the dicussions I think a few key pieces of info are missing - Beaker Mar 20, 08:12 1
- the refusal to attend the wedding leads me to suspect that point 2 at least is the longer exclusion and outspokenness angle - Beaker Mar 20, 08:14
Having read the replies first, I expected the dude to be a jerk. He sounds fairly justified to me. - David Mar 20, 07:54 52
- Even if the sister is telling the truth, she still stuck her nose into her sister's relationship with her boyfriend and then started dating the dude. - Roger More Mar 20, 07:58 35
  - "You should have allowed your sister to build a relationship around a lie rather than build a marriage around truth." - David Mar 20, 08:00 34
    - I'm not saying this is black and white. But this guy seems incapable of understanding anyone's view but his own - Roger More Mar 20, 08:08 4
      - I completely agree about the reconciliation. With regards to the other thing, I could understand him having trust issues after that. - David Mar 20, 08:10 3
        
        I can understand him trusting the sister. But I can also understand the rest of the family not trusting the sister. -- nm - Roger More Mar 20, 08:13 1
        
        (and also, him) -- nm - Roger More Mar 20, 08:15
        
        Are they the only people on the island? -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 08:12
    - She should have never got involved with the guy. She is a bad sister. Hence the family staying on the other side. -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 08:03
    - i can honestly say it is none of my business what my sibling does in his relationship. i would never get involved. -- nm - Andie Mar 20, 08:01 27
      - Well, if everyone always did what they were supposed to, we wouldn't have Dear Prudence -- nm - con_carne Mar 20, 08:23
      - That is certainly your choice. If I cared about someone and I knew they were being deceived, I would say something. - David Mar 20, 08:04 24
        
        Nobody really has a right to go around telling people how they should identify themselves -- nm - con_carne Mar 20, 08:26
        
        "1) the sister was not being honest about who she is" is wrong - ty97 Mar 20, 08:13 8
        
        Who you were is always still part of who you are. - Inigo Mar 20, 08:24
        
        I'm sure that distinction means something to you but it does not to me. Inigo is right about Lie of Omission as a best case scenario. -- nm - David Mar 20, 08:16 6
        
        The distinction should matter to you too. - ty97 Mar 20, 08:18 4
        
        I am thinking of Rhonda as a woman who was once a man. -- nm - Bacon Mar 20, 08:22
        
        I can't speak for anyone else but I am not. And the distinction still does not matter to me. - David Mar 20, 08:21 2
        
        you can replace "transgender" with "inoperable cancer" and the results are the same. nm -- nm - groiny Mar 20, 08:22 1
        
        in that those things should be shared up front, or as close to up front as possible. nm -- nm - groiny Mar 20, 08:23
        
        "my girlfriend used to have a dick", is a big deal to me, right or wrong. nm -- nm - groiny Mar 20, 08:18
        
        As I said, they are *all* horrible in this. -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 08:06
        
        this -- nm - Beaker Mar 20, 08:04 12
        
        What if Rhonda thoguht he was "the one" and was struggling with how to have the conversation but was planning to? - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 08:11 11
        
        If he were The One, she would have had no problem telling him from the start. - David Mar 20, 08:14 10
        
        People do not always know it is The One from the beginning. That talk is one that would be difficult. - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 08:22 6
        
        He was a single guy. She was a single girl. The "stole him" part is out the window since he was available. - David Mar 20, 08:23 5
        
        Amy went to him and broke up the relationship. She *made* him available. - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 08:27
        
        It's the sibling version of the bro code. -- nm - Roger More Mar 20, 08:26 3
        
        Scumbag sister. -- nm - Shaun Mar 20, 08:26 2
        
        Yeah, I am shocked that anyone would take her side on this. -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 08:28 1
        
        had he been told the truth up front, it would not have come to that -- nm - groiny Mar 20, 08:30
        
        I was just getting ready to type this. He wasn't The One -- nm - Bacon Mar 20, 08:15 2
        
        i agree he wasn't. but that doesn't mean Rhonda wasn't seriously hurt by this. -- nm - Andie Mar 20, 08:18 1
        
        I am sure Rhonda was very hurt. I agree. - Bacon Mar 20, 08:21
      - Unless you were going to steal the guy and make him your own, right? -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 08:03
- They took the side of the jilted instead of the boy friend stealer. Sounds about right. -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 07:58
- they took the side of their daughter, who had already been through a lot. -- nm - Andie Mar 20, 07:57
- Calling her a liar isn't really fair. If he asked "Hey did you used to be a dude?" and she said no, then yeah, liar. -- nm - Shaun Mar 20, 07:55 3
  - It's a lie of omission. -- nm - Inigo Mar 20, 07:57 2
    - Dishonest is a better description. -- nm - Shaun Mar 20, 08:10 1
      - I disagree. See my reply to ty below for why. -- nm - Inigo Mar 20, 08:11
- How is Rhonda a liar? - ty97 Mar 20, 07:55 9
  - in soul man, did you feel that c. thomas howell changed his race by presenting himself differently? - dogbert Mar 20, 08:04 5
    - Independent of this entire discussion, that is one of my favorite headers ever. -- nm - David Mar 20, 08:18
    - Being transgender is quite different from wearing a Halloween costume or putting on blackface -- nm - ty97 Mar 20, 08:07 3
      - What if the man wants to have biological children with the woman he loves. Not sure where science is at this moment but I don't think that's possible - Bacon Mar 20, 08:12
      - Yeah, the new vagina isn't just being held on by an elastic band. -- nm - Ender Mar 20, 08:11 1
        
        I mean, that at least requires some rubber cement or something. -- nm - Ender Mar 20, 08:14
  - I don't want to turn this into a thing about transgender because I happen to like and respect the only transgender person I know. - David Mar 20, 07:59 2
    - It is certainly a conversation that needs to occur and three months is probably too long to wait. - ty97 Mar 20, 08:06 1
      - Respectfully, I believe that both of your conclusions are conjecture rather than fact. -- nm - David Mar 20, 08:09
so you're saying that if rhonda told you on day one that you would have been ok with that and started jamming? - dogbert Mar 20, 07:53 2
- it is his absolute refusal to get beyond this and let his wife have a relationship with her family that makes him the biggest jerk. -- nm - Andie Mar 20, 08:01
- Bingo. He is trying to come off PC with that explanation. -- nm - Bacon Mar 20, 07:55
Yeah... you're not at ALL "transphobic"... -- nm - Ender Mar 20, 07:50 1
- Thank god it was before they were intimate! -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 07:51
Threesome -- nm - Beaker Mar 20, 07:49
What a dick. -- nm - ty97 Mar 20, 07:49
It sounds like he is made for that horrid family -- nm - Roger More Mar 20, 07:48 9
- I don't know that the family is horrid, I think his wife is. - ty97 Mar 20, 07:51 7
  - It needs to come out sooner that three months. I admit it would be an issue for me. - Bacon Mar 20, 07:54 5
    - Why is it an issue? - ty97 Mar 20, 07:56 4
      - I'd say it's partly a physical issue, but bigger that it's an emotional/trust issue. - Inigo Mar 20, 08:10 2
        
        It's a less physical issue. If the person is attractive they are attractive no matter what they were or are. Mentally is where the hangup is taking - Bacon Mar 20, 08:14 1
        
        I'm not talking about attraction. Agreed, that happens no matter what. - Inigo Mar 20, 08:16
      - You experience a total intimacy with sex and the attraction is physical and mental. - Bacon Mar 20, 07:59
  - Yeah, I didn't stick the landing on that joke -- nm - Roger More Mar 20, 07:54
- Nuke it from orbit. -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 07:49
OMFG. -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 07:48
Seriously? Your wife obviously wants to reconcile with her family. Stop her and you're a douche. - Jim Mar 20, 07:48 2
- They are all horrible in this. "Stop dating my sister because she used to be a dude! No marry me!" "OK!" -- nm - Spawn Lord Mar 20, 07:49 1
  - "You're trying to ruin your sister's life!" "Nuh-uh. BYW I'm marrying her ex-boyfriend!" -- nm - Roger More Mar 20, 07:52
3 months and no action? I stopped reading after that. -- nm - Shaun Mar 20, 07:45

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dear prudence: My Ex Didn't Mention She Was Transgender

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