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dear prudence: My MIL Found Out My Baby's Sex Against My Wishes

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Apr 3 '14, 07:16

Dear Prudie,
During my six-year marriage to an amazing man, I have had a cordial relationship with his mother. I am now pregnant with his family’s first grandchild. My husband and I mutually decided that we didn’t want to know the sex before the birth. My mother-in-law was livid with our decision, even though I tried to placate her by using the obstetrician she suggested and allowing her to attend some of my prenatal appointments. She continued to bring up gender at every opportunity. My doctor’s staff was aware of our decision not to know the baby’s sex, but after one sonogram I was surprised to see my mother-in-law at the office smiling ear to ear. A few days later I had messages from family members congratulating me on the baby girl I was having! My mother-in-law wheedled the information out of the ultrasound technician, who is a friend of hers, then announced it. I threatened the clinic with legal action and found a new doctor mid-pregnancy. My mother-in-law is smug about her tactics and told me nastily that if I “still had a mother,” I wouldn't be so selfish. (I was orphaned at age 14.) I can't express how betrayed and hurt I am by this. My husband sides with me and we’ve made a birthing plan that includes her not being permitted in the facility until we’ve been released. We will not inform anyone of the birth until after we're home, and for the time being, she won't be welcome to visit. Am I being too vengeful here? How do I overcome this feeling of betrayal?

—Sad Mommy

Responses:

This can get the ultrasound technician fired. -- nm - Mop (205 lbs) Apr 3, 08:14
I don't understand how people don't get that unless your gametes are involved, pregnancy isn't about you. - Reagen Apr 3, 08:08
If this is the biggest problem in your life, please kill yourself now -- nm - con_carne Apr 3, 08:02 4
- That's one of the bigger moments of becoming parents....and if they've made a decision - Will Hunting Apr 3, 08:20
- that is totally not fair. having your MIL intentionally do something against your wishes like that is actually a big deal. - Andie Apr 3, 08:07 1
  - Yeah, it's not about this particular thing, it's about what an awful person she is. -- nm - mara Apr 3, 08:14
- Well, having a MIL that jerky is going to be an ongoing bummer. -- nm - mara Apr 3, 08:05
MIL doesn't know boundaries. And medical folks don't know HIPAA -- nm - ty97 Apr 3, 07:59
"I wouldn't be too smug, it isn't your sons" - Beaker Apr 3, 07:42 3
- I honestly do think they should forbof her presence at the hospital when the child is born and then call and say it is a boy. -- nm - Spawn Lord Apr 3, 07:47 2
  - i would totally do this. "we are so pleased to tell you that Magda just gave birth to our son, Sebastian!" -- nm - Andie Apr 3, 07:48 1
    - And plus, it is a baby so as long as the diaper stays on they can run with this until the kid is a few years old! -- nm - Spawn Lord Apr 3, 07:49
*keeps reading "MIL" as "ML" in this thread* -- nm - Spawn Lord Apr 3, 07:36
that "still had a mother" line should get a a curb stomping -- nm - Beaker Apr 3, 07:23 4
- agreed. I'd quietly spend the rest of the relationship with her looking to nuke her from orbit. -- nm - Mel Profit Apr 3, 08:07
- because MIL hadn't already been awful enough. -- nm - Diva Apr 3, 07:24 2
  - justifying what she did by bringing that up; I'm surprised the pregnant lady isn't in jail for murdering her on the spot -- nm - Beaker Apr 3, 07:25 1
    - i like Andie's advice re: trying to stay calm and happy. It's the best thing for the baby. I can't even imagine how livid the parents are. -- nm - Diva Apr 3, 07:27
MIL is a bitch. Just do what you and hubby need to do to stay happy and calm when the baby comes. -- nm - Andie Apr 3, 07:22
that has to be some sort of violation, right??? -- nm - groiny Apr 3, 07:21 18
- that practice should fire that ultrasound technician. -- nm - Diva Apr 3, 07:32 5
  - I think the complaint should be filed even if they don't fire her. -- nm - Vibia Kincardine Apr 3, 07:45 1
    - sorry -- even if they do fire her. -- nm - Vibia Kincardine Apr 3, 07:45
  - If they don't, they've got a huge potential liability issue down the line nm -- nm - ralph wiggum Apr 3, 07:34 2
    - very much this -- nm - JenBro Apr 3, 08:01 1
      - and really ... wouldn't having mom's source and friend lose their job over this be like the ultimate revenge? -- nm - JenBro Apr 3, 08:01
- without question - znufrii Apr 3, 07:24 2
  - How to file a complaint -- (link) - mara Apr 3, 07:30
  - It will be hilarious when the baby is actually a boy. -- nm - Spawn Lord Apr 3, 07:26
- Oh yeah, that's a HIPAA issue right there. -- nm - Jim Apr 3, 07:23 2
  - could she sue? she could, right? I think I would. -- nm - Vibia Kincardine Apr 3, 07:31 1
    - I certainly would investigate the option, at the very least. nm -- nm - groiny Apr 3, 08:00
- You mean legal? Hmm, maybe HIPAA? -- nm - mara Apr 3, 07:22 4
  - they can't even leave info on my home voice mail, but they can give info to a mother in law??? - groiny Apr 3, 07:23 3
    - Unless she signed something listing the MIL as someone that can discuss her medical information, agreed. -- nm - Spawn Lord Apr 3, 07:33
    - A lawsuit would have to prove pain and suffering or monetary expense, and while it's a crap move, I can't see much suffering coming from knowing a - mara Apr 3, 07:31 1
      - the privacy breach would be the main point; and I'd say they'd settle quick to keep it from the public eye -- nm - Beaker Apr 3, 07:40
- As retribution? Gross. -- nm - Spawn Lord Apr 3, 07:22
Too vengeful? Nah. I don't think she's being vengeful enough. -- nm - kelly Apr 3, 07:20
If anything, you're not being vengeful enough imo. - Will Hunting Apr 3, 07:19 4
- agreed, but not sure what else there is she can do beyond cutting MIL out. - znufrii Apr 3, 07:22 1
  - If the tech is employed, file the lawsuit. Right there is a vengeful consequence to someone who merits - Will Hunting Apr 3, 07:36
- heh. -- nm - kelly Apr 3, 07:20
- *ding* -- nm - Spawn Lord Apr 3, 07:20
Wow. MIL is a total bitch. -- nm - znufrii Apr 3, 07:18
Nuke the bitch. -- nm - Spawn Lord Apr 3, 07:18
There's clearly only one solution. Abort this one and have another. -- nm - Ender Apr 3, 07:18 1
- heh ... you my friend - are in a dark dark place ... - JenBro Apr 3, 08:03

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dear prudence: My MIL Found Out My Baby's Sex Against My Wishes

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