My apologies to David and his desk. But also warning that desk better be built really well. And apologies and thaks to the rest of you as well
Posted by
JD (aka Jason Dean)
May 30 '14, 15:41
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As the only thing that I'm sure of in the future is that I'm going to do stuff and post things that are going to continue to create that reaction.
It hasn't even been a week but it's been an amazingly bad and good time and feels like months. So I wasn't exaggerating about those happy posts earlier in the week. At the same time, I haven't posted that's there been rough times as and when I do stupid stuff, in order to give some insight as to I may be wired differently and why I make inexplicable choices. My happy picture for the time, what makes me smile through the tears, is picturing Veronica and Heather together so obviously in love. I hope that meaning came through that really awful sentence structure 8-P
I feel bad as you've made an extraordinary effort and I seem destined to ignore all of it and then on top of that treat you nearly as a villain.
The fact that you were so protective....
And while it was not necessarily a complete wake up moment but it did serve as really, really large data point that even through just board interaction, you can correctly call that I might just numb myself with drink. Yeah that one i'll actually try to follow. Er follow in to try to avoid doing that. It really is possible that's been an issue for like forever so again your comment is noted.
Having said all of that.
I'm going to drive you crazy. I'm going to swing from being happy to being a mess to being a happy mess to everything else. Then I'll post some part of it which forces anyone who reads to be exposed to it
It's the only thing I can promise you and I know that it is going to cause you to feel something. Or at least I think it does and thank you for being there. You and the board would be perfectly in your rights to ignore / shake your heads / try to get me to do the "right" thing and either cut me loose or say I told you so when I don't but instead you read and support me.
I really am doing everything wrong according to everyone but us and I win for moments and I melt down at others.
I will be fine. In no small part to folks like you. But I'm going to do it my way and here's one of them.
Veronica is my great friend and she's cutting me loose on one level and doesn't expect me to be there waiting to pick up the pieces except as hoping that we'll still have some level of friendship. So as was recommended, I'll be headed out to the dating pool. I think. Might be a bit of delay as I'm pretty sure that I'm beyond damaged goods for the moment. So see she's capable of looking out for me. Well, I'm sure that it can be interpreted as she still using me but I see it as that she's not stringing me along on that level.
Oh...and here is where the desk better be in good shape. The damage is not entirely Veronica's fault. She's been trying to help me for years and I just ignored it. I've got issues with keeping things inside and then drinking to cover them. And who knows maybe those are actually just symptoms of real problems. So sure she's caused me pain but I gotta admit that there is a very real chance some portion of the pain has been there / building for years and up till now Veronica's been there as much as I would let her.
The other one is that I brought up the bike shop and and I soon as I said it, I felt like I'd been momentarily possessed. Now I don't know that there is anyway to say this that doesn't sound like an attack but I'm posting it as general anger so no personal attacks.
FUCK THAT
If I wanted to "win" this, then that's the attack point. That's her life. So I can see that sure she chose Heather and leave her with just that.
You said I was kind and caring or something like that. Does that sound like the actions of such a person?
She keeps coming to me and stripping away the items that I believe the board sees as unreasonable concessions on my part. She's proud of who she is and at the same time scared. She also recognized that it was putting undue stress on me so we'll use whatever timetable we want and tell whoever we want and to what ever level of details. She's really scared about her family and I know that her thing but I still care about the possible pain there.
I'm going to be ok and obviously at the moment there's times that I'm not going to be OK. And I'm going be better but will do it in some really weird way and the posts will come and apologize for any feeling that any of you might have that I've unnecessarily dragged you into what is very much my issues. Things that I'm only starting to own up to and you have to let me believe that I have Veronica to thank for that, not blame.
If you could just see them......
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