this isn't meant so much as a request for anything from ST or anything, or necessarily as a rant by me, but I need to just vent for a moment . . .
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I'm having an incredibly tough time of things right now.
Most of you know that I'm a non-traditional student in college currently working my way through graduate school. The academic work load alone is enough for even the best of people under the best of circumstances. I just feel right now that I'm holding on by my fingertips and staying focused on next summer when, hopefully, all of this ends and I get that expensive piece of sheepskin, and that I will get there and not have to do something I try not to think about (like dropping out or anything).
And this next statement isn't a slight towards anyone, ST or otherwise. It's just an observation on my part. But, people who haven't gone to college, especially grad school, just don't understand the academic pressures to perform and succeed. That's part of what makes things so terribly difficult for me right now.
This ties in to the second thing that I'm struggling with right now, and that's the family life. maybe it's fortunate that i'm not married right now and don't have the responsibilities of children. that might get overwhelming. but again, many of you might know at least a few of the things that I have to deal with in the family situation. There are unfortunately multiple substance abusers in the family, lost in the labyrinths of their sickness and who selfishly make things that much more difficult for the rest of us in the family. I won't go into details here right now (otherwise, I'd be here all damn day), but I'll just say that the past 3 months have been particularly stressful and difficult on this front.
the 3rd slant on all of this is my work. As much as I'd like to not have to work right now and take that much pressure off myself, the need for a little extra income to supplement my financial aid right now is a reality.
all of these things together are becoming an increasingly difficult burden for my shoulders to bear. and quite honestly, i'm nearing the breaking point. Something is going to have to give, perhaps more than one "something". and I believe with all of my heart that if the academic front is the thing that goes out on me, I will forever be a bitter and cynical assfuck who'll have a terribly difficult time of ever finding forgiveness in his heart towards those who have, intentionally or not, distracted me and made things that much more difficult for me to deal with. (or am I expecting too much of other people to not be douche-holes themselves and actually be supportive of me or else get out of my life so that they're not a bother to me?)
i'm just at the point where i'm ready to walk away from some stuff in my life. and never come back to them. I can't seem to get anyone in my family to actually stand with me and say that enough is enough, actually mean it, and actually enforce it.
and my boss at work can't seem to fathom the concept of "I have classes at certain times and it comes first, so stop asking me if I can work at these certain times" (yeah, the work thing is probably the first thing that is going to go ... even though I shamefully must admit that going to work sometimes is a welcome 'escape' from the family crap despite it also being a detriment to my ability to spend more of the necessary time on my academic studies) ...
I'm sorry, ST. I didn't mean to rant on like this. I tend to get wordy. Again, i'm not looking for anything here. and maybe later on I'll wish I hadn't posted this because maybe it's none of your concern and I shouldn't bother you with it.
Anyway, we now return you to your regularly scheduled slacking off, already in progress.
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