LYC, some minor gripes and rantings IM (maybe not all necessarily all SFW), and a personal request by me to ST . . .
Posted by
call me Ishmael (aka pacrat)
Mar 19 '15, 21:25
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ok, so . . . where to start?
well, most of the regulars here at Slackertalk will know a few things as to what's been going on in my personal life in recent years . . .
the brief recap is . . . that the 'father figure' (i have issues calling him anything paternal, and usually just refer to him as he who we speak not of) has been a long-time alcoholic, and it's an understatement to say that our relationship is strained at best, or that he's been emotionally / in any other way supportive distant for longer than i care to admit to . . .
my alcoholic and other substances-abusing brother lost his job and took up residence w/ us back in late May and has been a total pain in the ass for everyone since then. you know it's bad when one alcoholic becomes a pain in the ass to another alcoholic . . . if the paternal is he who we speak not of, this guy i have come to think of as the douche-fucker . . . (if only you people knew the crap this guy's pulled in recent months . . . i don't even have time now for the voluminous crap of the past 9 months or so) . . .
my mom . . . God bless her. I won't say anything bad about her here. I feel for her because she's been caught in the middle of a whole lot of shit for a long time now and is co-dependant and, well . . . I just wish better for her and I love her and etc etc etc . . .
in the midst of all of this, as many of you may recall, I returned to college a few years ago and am currently struggling to finish up my degree program (2 fucking months to go ! ! by the gods! if i can just get to mid-May without flunking a few classes, getting kicked out of the program, etc.!!!). you'll also recall that, particularly since the douche-bag moved back in last year, things have been incredibly tough for me.
things were starting to actually *almost* start looking up for me back right after Christmas. D-Bag had managed to hold a temp job for a while and was talking like he wanted and was going to get out of the house and I was hoping that i might actually take a step back towards some measure of sanity (again, the volumes I could write right now) . . .
well, i don't know all of the details right now, but D-Bag might have lost the job that he was working. this, after he stupidly moved back in w/ his . . . well, his wife. they were starting to go thru the divorce proceedings a couple of months ago and I odn't know if it's gone thru yet or not. and she's a real piece of work as well . . . again, not even enough time here to go into it . . . and we were all basically on the outside looking in, knowing that for them to move back in together on *any* level was and is an insanely bad idea . . .
and now, apparently, he's gotten it in his head that he's going to get his CDL license and move into being a truck driver. I'll pause while this sets in for a while . . .
and yes, in case it isn't obvious to anyone right now, (I think that) it's a terribly bad idea to put a substance-abusing alcoholic behind the wheel of a big-ass truck and send him out even on regional hauls where he'd be out and back, say, by the next day at the latest . . . even short trips is a bad idea as far as i'm concerned, and yes, i will go on record here and now and say that (a) this is a terribly bad idea, because even if he gets into a 30-day rehab before going to get the CDL, which has been whispered in the wind, and which I'll believe only after it has happened, and (b) no good can come of this situation. i will even dare to add (c) something terribly bad will eventually happen because of this. well, probably several terribly bad somethings . . .
and Mum basically said this evening that D Bag will be coming by tomorrow at some point to talk over some things w/ her and HWWSNO . . . and I will call it now and say that no good will come of whatever is discussed or "agreed upon" . . . yes, i'm cynical. but yes, i'm also a realist. at this point in my life, I'll believe something only after I've seen it happen. until then, i dare -- i even challenge -- God himself to prove me wrong. I've been right on too many things in the past (i'm shooting damn near better than 95% on calling things when it comes to this family) . . . so, ST, forgive me if I sound overly cynical, or even bitter, or anything else.
i'm just tired. and i like what a friend recently said : "We have paid a terribly price to get where we are in each of our lives individually, and damnit, it's about time that I pulled up a chair for once and started to enjoy the show instead of getting hit up with a lot of crap."
so, again, there's a lot more that I'm not going into here. i'm just trying to give everyone some context as to the absolute shithole that my extended family situation has been in recent years, and more recent months in particular.
i say all of that to now say this . . . it has been a terrible struggle for me to get by in my academic pursuits. it's a wonder i haven't actually failed a couple of classes. (well, okay, truth be told, it's a wonder that i haven't snapped yet and gotten myself in legal trouble over some stupid ass situation, but that's a different story]) . . . That's not an exaggeration. (any of that) and yes, i've spoken to a psychiatrist, and it's helped some, but the fact is that, until I can finish up my schooling and then get anything close to a truly decent job, i'm not in any position to fully remove myself from the bad situations and things in my life right now.
maybe i've talked too long here folks, so i'll start to wrap this up. the long and short is that i have just a couple of months to go, and it's not going to be easy. because of the crap that's been going on, largely outside of my control, i've been negligent on some academic things . . . things that i overlooked unintentially, a couple of things that I should have known about and didn't, other things that maybe I did know about and just kept pushing to a back burner while I did my best to just get by and survive at this point, things that are important to my degree program and, at some point, just cannot be ignored any longer. and now, with 2 months to go, crunch time has turned into exquisitely painful crush time.
i don't know to what degree these things will hinder me from graduating if they don't get done. Surely, in any case, if I don't do them, they will make me look bad personally, and perhaps (even likely academically) lazy, something i've prided myself in the past as not being. 1 thing in particular, if not directly addressed in the next couple of weeks, will at the very least delay my graduating (or, well, they might allow me to walk in May but they won't release my diploma until the summer and / or after this gets taken care of), and yes it's something that I didn't really know about until this week (or, as i said, if it was something that I was aware of back in the summer, it got pushed back to a back burner and then promptly forgotten about) . . .
i'm likely going to have to drop a lot of things in my personal life, and maybe just quit a few things to free up time in the short term, until I can get through all of this mess. there truly just is not enough time in the day, juggling family issues, academics, personal needs, a part-time job, etc. . . .
With that in mind, ST, i've gotten terribly long-winded just to ask for some positive thoughts . . . (a) for the short term to get thru school successfully, and (b) that soon thereafter something nice will develop and I'll be able to get into a nice job and from there be able to distance myself from a lot of the absolutely black ink of night darkness that I've been surrounded by for far too long.
I don't ask for much, God . . . just a little sunshine once in a while would be nice, and if not that, then could I at least have a decent golf umbrella? i'm really fucking tired of all of the rain.
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Responses:
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Can't think of much to say except if it comes to long study, writing, editing periods, please get up and walk around every couple of hours....
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Meg
Mar 19, 22:44
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You got this! -- nm
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James Bond (aka Igor)
Mar 19, 22:33
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You can do it -- nm
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con_carne
Mar 19, 22:26
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I hope everything resolves as well as possible for you. Talk to whomever you need to at school to warn them and maybe they can give good advice or hel
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zork
Mar 19, 22:13
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Sending good vibes, your way. -- nm
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Flavorize
Mar 19, 21:58
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what's the movie where two strangers meet on a train, figure they could each take out the other person's ...problem....hey qale, you listening -- nm
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zeitgeist
Mar 19, 21:58
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Sending good thoughts and maybe some good wishes your way.
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tobor.2
Mar 19, 21:55
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