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bonus holiday hax chat q: "Does my body look okay to you, or was it better looking before I had your baby and when I worked out?"

Posted by professor smartbrain (aka chris) May 22 '15, 11:50

Q: Husband's perception of (my) beauty

Let me tack on a preamble: I think I'm suffering from obsessive, disordered thinking here since, in my quest for advice, Google searches turned up zero exact matches for my query. My husband and I have been married for 18 years this July. I just turned 36, and he 40. The sex has waned over the past several years. I have always had the higher desire for it. I have been down about my lack of fitness results since our son was born 6 years ago (c-section complications and difficult thyroid disorder changed my body composition). I asked him if he noticed any difference when I work out regularly. He offered "You're in a better mood when you do, so it does benefit you." I told him, since he is familiar with my body, I would appreciate it if he could offer feedback on just how my body looks, because I want to know it my efforts make a difference. He finally did say "Yes, you have looked better when you worked out." I asked him "When, and do you remember which workout routine?" He responded that this line of questioning was feeling dangerous and he didn't want to talk about it. I walked away (annoyed, yes, and I'm sure it showed). He asked me to come back, apologizing for dismissing the question. So I bit "When did you notice the difference? Was it a workout before or after pregnancy?" My husband said this still felt dangerous, and in his defense I disregarded the signs, continuing with my question. I changed the wording to "Bluntly, when have I looked better naked?" His answer was "Of COURSE you looked better when you were YOUNGER! Everything in our culture is centered around that concept, it shouldn't surprise you! Look at all of the ways MY body has changed too!" Not the answer I was looking for or even expecting, but he did answer me bluntly. I told him I never saw him that way, and indeed had the discussion with my sister the week before that he gets better looking every year. After the anger subsided, he felt bad, expressed regret and told me I was "still beautiful". This was one month ago. I want to shelve this moment, but it has impacted my sexy feelings towards him...and myself. All I can think when he looks at me is "I wonder if he's noticing my fine lines or my deflated stomach?" Should this have bothered me? Why can't I stop thinking about one dumb statement (which is objectively true)? Would it bother you people out there in Hax-Ville?

Responses:

Given all the responses, I think they can work through this - amoxy May 22, 12:09
never ask a question that you are not ready to handle the answer for. - groiny May 22, 12:04 24
- I 100% agree with this...at the same time, his answer kinda sucked. -- nm - Jim May 22, 12:07 23
  - You mean he should have lied? -- nm - Spawn May 22, 12:09 1
    - Nah, there's a way to handle that without lying. Believe me, I'm not saying she's right here. Not at all. - Jim May 22, 12:14
  - ask a stupid question...... -- nm - groiny May 22, 12:08
  - see, even as a female, i think he answered the best he could. -- nm - San Andreas May 22, 12:07 19
    - yep. he really did his best, even tried to include himself.-- nm - b. May 22, 12:12
    - Yeah, he made that as vague and general an answer as possible. -- nm - Will Hunting May 22, 12:09 17
      - IMO, you lead with how attractive you find your wife. Period. Carrie and I have had a similar conversation... - Jim May 22, 12:18 16
        
        you are always so good about carrie. :) - (I just reread the letter, and I missed that the guy didn't lead with saying he found her attractive, it - b. May 22, 12:31
        
        That is rather long winded, but still good. - Spawn May 22, 12:30 3
        
        Exactly. I think the deeper issue for the couple in the question is that they're not having quality time as often. - Jim May 22, 12:31 2
        
        Yeah, but I would suspect there is more to it than she says. - Spawn May 22, 12:35 1
        
        Without a doubt. -- nm - Jim May 22, 12:36
        
        You are good. -- nm - jnine May 22, 12:25 8
        
        The thing is...it's not bullshit. It's not a lie. It's the absolute 100% truth. -- nm - Jim May 22, 12:30 7
        
        *WHIP CRACKS* -- nm - groiny May 22, 12:32 6
        
        Every once in a while...I mean, we don't have a red room or anything...nm - Jim May 22, 12:33 5
        
        "Like X-Box?" -- nm - Will Hunting May 22, 12:35 4
        
        lol...just watched that over the weekend. I did get a chuckle out of that -- nm - Jim May 22, 12:36 3
        
        We haven't seen it, Kelly just laughs her ass off about that line though. -- nm - Will Hunting May 22, 12:38 1
        
        that line right there is the reason I have no interest in watching that movie. It's so dumb, and so poorly acted. -- nm - kelly May 22, 15:04
        
        Then you need to get this when you can. -- (link) - Spawn May 22, 12:38
        
        When I run for office, you are my PR guy. -- nm - Will Hunting May 22, 12:23 1
        
        No problem. I got you, Boo! -- nm - Jim May 22, 12:24
tl:dr -- nm - amoxy May 22, 11:58 1
- 'Did I look way better naked when I was young, not a mom, and I worked out? 'Yes.' 'FUCK YOU YOU ASSHOLE.' -- nm - Shaun May 22, 12:03
He should have clipped the green wire. -- nm - David May 22, 11:56 3
- Yeah, that's an "I'll take the bullet, please" situation. -- nm - Beryllium May 22, 12:03 2
  - He apparently tried twice. She insisted on pulling the trigger. -- nm - Will Hunting May 22, 12:07 1
    - yup. -- nm - Beaker May 22, 12:10
that poor, poor man. -- nm - b. May 22, 11:55 10
- "He responded that this line of questioning felt dangerous" - professor smartbrain May 22, 12:00 9
  - that's the kicker. he even knew what it would lead to and tried to avoid it. what else could he possibly have done that would have had her leave him - b. May 22, 12:02 8
    - I'm with pixie. You don't avoid it by saying "this is a dangerous line of questioning" -- nm - Roger More May 22, 12:22 3
      - (I'm not saying that she's reasonable. But he didn't handle it well) -- nm - Roger More May 22, 12:25 2
        
        i feel like this is probably not the first time she's cornered him, then got pissed off. -- nm - San Andreas May 22, 12:28 1
        
        Then he should have learned from experience! -- nm - Roger More May 22, 12:37
    - (when she's past her obsessing, though, or maybe as part of getting there, they should address why adultfuntimes have waned, though.) -- nm - b. May 22, 12:06 3
      - Would you want to have that talk after you get trapped in this situation? -- nm - Will Hunting May 22, 12:08 1
        
        I was thinking maybe with a third-party to facilitate. - b. May 22, 12:10
      - it takes him too long to find the hole now. nm -- nm - groiny May 22, 12:07
You set a trap, pushed him into it, and then got mad when you got what you wanted. -- nm - spamlet May 22, 11:54 1
- Heh, women. - Spawn May 22, 11:56
omg. you MADE him answer, and what he said was perfectly reasonable. You need a therapist. -- nm - San Andreas May 22, 11:53 2
- the fact that she could even write a letter this long about this subject shows she's obsessed and needs to work on getting over it. - Diva May 22, 12:11
- Yup. -- nm - pmb May 22, 11:56
She's fucking stupid. Next. -- nm - Diva May 22, 11:52 1
- Google that. -- nm - Diva May 22, 11:54

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bonus holiday hax chat q: "Does my body look okay to you, or was it better looking before I had your baby and when I worked out?"

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