*glances at the clock and realizes he has just under an hour left on Mel's birthday* -- (edited)
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*straightens tie*
*realizes he's wearing only a tie and a strategically placed sock*
*doesn't care*
*loudly knocks on MelDeev's door, interrupting ... well, interrupting certain shenanigans going on*
*door opens to show a slightly befuddled and questionably drunk Diva peering outward; shoves clipboard with an incredibly complex, extensive form titled "permission and release from all liability" but written solely in 6-point tiny-print type right into her face*
*jabs a pen into her hand and semi-inchoherently babble-screams out "there's no time! just sign!"*
*shoves open the door the minute she scratches out her signature and, at the same time, seemingly from nowhere, produces a David Ortiz mask*
*well, maybe from nowhere, but you don't want to know where it was hidden*
*puts it on*
*quickly slathers on two gallons of instant tanning cream*
*with a trowel so he hits every bodily nook and cranny*
*races over to Mel, grabs him up off the floor and swings him up into the air so far he thuds against the ceiling*
*drops to his back on the floor, catches Mel in a "let's play helicopter" pose with feet firmly planted on Mel's lower stomach, then begins spinning him around rapidly ... because, yes, let's play helicopter*
*realizes that Mel has been drinking a whole helluva lot of whiskey*
*spins Mel off the helicopter ride and flings him onto the couch*
*looks around and sees Diva is still completely disoriented*
*jumps on the couch and "does stuff" to Mel before he pukes from being spun around so hard and so rapidly*
*runs back out, into the hall, screaming all the way to the fire exit "BIG PAPI FOR EVAH!"*
*crashes through window at the end of the hall like the best moment John McLean ever had in Die Hard (the original movie)*
*jumps onto the fire escape and disappears forever, leaving behind only a toy robotic jousting ostrich as the only sign he'd ever been there*
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