I had a good long talk with my mother's case worker yesterday. I'm going to Colorado tomorrow.
Posted by
Covington (aka CovingtonCat)
Jan 23 '16, 07:44
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And it ain't cheap to fly from here to there at short notice, let me tell you. $930 coach, $1060 first class. Guess which I bought?
Anyway, it seems that the social worker who's been helping out the past few months may have developed an emotional attachment to my step-father and is pushing very hard to have my mother remain in her home, per her husband's wishes. There are several problems with that.
1) She has some immediate health issues that may require a hospital stay. Nothing life-threatening, at this point, but one of them may have the cause of her falling several times and 911 being called to pick her up off the ground (my step-father couldn't do it - he was 80, she's 81).
2) The 24/7 home care she's getting now doesn't handle medical issues. Plus, there would need to be a backup agency involved in the event a worker couldn't make a shift and agency #1 couldn't backfill. The case worker says this has happened on other cases of hers. My mother can't be left alone. She came to the attention of Adult Protective Services back in August after multiple police involvements - they were called about a woman wandering the streets of her neighborhood - my mother.
3) Both my step-father and mother have had incontinence problems. All the furniture in the rooms they use, as well as the carpet, probably will need to go to the curb. The home care people can't sit or lie anywhere without putting down some kind of covering.
4) There's an issue with the bathroom. I'm not sure exactly what it is. (And I think there's more than one bathroom in the house.) The case worker said my mother was storing clothing in the shower. I'd think if they took out the clothes then the shower could be used but it didn't sound that simple. It's thought that they were taking sponge baths for more than a year, if not longer.
5) Cost. For the type of care she needs there would be the home care people (feeding, dressing, bathing her, cleaning the house, taking her to appointments) which will cost about 15k/month. Then the backup agency would have to be paid something to be on call. Then a medical provider (a nurse) who would visit at least once a week. Then a private care manager to oversee everything, which would bring the cost to around 20k/month. And that doesn't take into account her meds and upkeep of the house and landscaping.
While there appears to be plenty of money to take care all this I'm concerned that after she is stabilized medically that she will run out of money if she stays healthy. The cost of being in a memory care center would be $6400/month at maximum care level. Right now they evaluated her at $4600/month care level. There are some costs being paid by VA and/or Medicare, I'm told. I'll know more about that when I get out there.
The case worker will be quite happy to have me take over the guardianship. The county's guardianship is temporary right now - 60 days. But the judge scheduled a hearing on March 2nd. If I appear (and pass a criminal background check and a credit check) and tell the judge I want to take over he'll probably grant it, according to the case worker.
Right now the case worker is wanting her to go into a memory care center. This is a facility somewhere between assisted living and a skilled nursing home. She would have a studio apartment with her own bath. The facility is set up with 4 secured "neighborhoods", each with its own communal living and kitchen areas and enclosed outdoor spaces - gardens, lawn patios. All meals are prepared for the residents. And there are activities, set up both by the center and brought in by a regional agency. They even have a barber shop and hair salon. Reviews I've read about this place are good. (There was one very bad one on an aggregate review site that was so far and away different from all the others that I have to think it may be some disgruntled person.)
I'll be meeting the case worker, the public administrator who is overseeing the finances right now, the court-appointed attorney for my mother, and the social worker. The social worker does not want her to leave her home because that's what my step-father wanted. I'll also be visiting the memory care center.
The case worker wants my input and will take it into consideration as long as it doesn't conflict with my mother getting good care that she needs.
I also got roped into making decisions about how to handle my step-father's funeral. I did not like the man. I wasn't planning on going to his funeral. But because I've been found the county told the funeral home to contact me. The administrator told the funeral director he would approve any costs I incur. I am not happy about it but there it is. Fortunately, my step-father told the social worker what he wanted. So there will be a simple service locally, with full military honors (21-gun salute and the folding of the flag with presentation to my mother), then burial at a VA cemetery east of Denver. The VFW will be contacted so they can provide some people to be at the service so it won't be just my mother. Unfortunately, no one can vouch for my mother's state of mind if she attends. The case worker told me she thought there should be a service my mother could attend. But the social worker said the case worker told him that she shouldn't attend. (This was before I made arrangements.) The cemetery is too long a drive for her so that's why I agreed to a local service, especially after the director told me they could do the military honors there.
So the service is scheduled for Tuesday morning. I'm flying out tomorrow, returning Wednesday (I have to be here Wednesday afternoon). I still haven't decided if I'll attend the service but it's become my duty to stop by the funeral home on Monday to sign off on the arrangements and provide clothing. (I said no viewing but I guess it's not cool to put a naked body into a casket.)
I still don't know if I'll even see my mother. As of last night she was still home but the case worker was hoping to have her in the memory care center today if the doctors didn't put her in the hospital.
If she's out of the house then it can get cleaned so it would be a safer place for her. (The case worker said they were borderline hoarders. There are rooms no one can enter.) I'll have to decide fairly quickly whether I want to take over guardianship and then determine where she'll be after that. Wherever she is it appears that I can rely on several resources out there to handle day to day stuff for me.
If I don't do this I'm afraid karma will bite me in the butt when I get to the same state my mother is in now. But there's also a possibility we can reconnect if her mind isn't too far gone. However, if she isn't too far gone she may not want my involvement.
Oh, the subject of abuse was raised by more than one person I talked to yesterday (I spent pretty much the whole day on the phone). The police reports from August say she was saying "they're going to put me in a nursing home." The only "they" at that time was my step-father who, it turns out, was diagnosed with early dementia a year ago. Last summer they were in Cancun! The case worker doesn't know how they managed that. Then there's the rejection of her children in favor of her husband. It's been put to me that there could have been mental abuse all this time that kept her with him and away from anyone else. Looking back I can remember some things that, at the time, weren't unusual in my young mind but today would be considered abuse.
Needless to say, my brain wants to explode right about now. At least it will be warmer in Colorado than here over the next few days.
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Responses:
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this is crushingly sad. I can not imagine. You have my best thoughts. -- nm
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Mel Profit
Jan 23, 10:04
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So very sorry. My 0.02 is remember to ask yourself, what is best for her.
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Spawn
Jan 23, 09:46
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this is a tremendous amount to deal with. so sorry it is all on you. -- nm
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andie
Jan 23, 09:21
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I can't even wrap my head around this. Good luck and best wishes during your travels.
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Davi
Jan 23, 09:06
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Given what you've said of your step-father, his "wishes" should be moot.
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Mop
Jan 23, 09:02
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Good luck. Hope it all turns out. Did you ask the airline about a bereavement discount? -- nm
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Dano
Jan 23, 08:39
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Ugh. Sending you good vibes. Hope things go well. -- nm
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sycor
Jan 23, 08:26
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FWIW, we ended up putting my grandfather in the memory unit of a place like what you were looking at. We were really happy with their care.
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iSpam
Jan 23, 08:19
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That is alot to deal with. Let that social worker know who's boss. -- nm
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Loyola
Jan 23, 08:16
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this is just so much. sorry you are having to go thru this. wishing and praying that you find strength thru this.
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Deev
Jan 23, 08:10
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Wow. That's a lot to handle. Best of luck to you, I hope it all goes as smoothly as it possibly can. -- nm
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kelly
Jan 23, 08:00
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