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So in relationship news, this whole getting married thing? Not so sure it's going to happen.

Posted by pmb (aka pmb) Apr 13 '09, 11:01

I haven't posted much about this, though I've hinted that fiance is having trouble dealing with her anxiety about moving in. This is pretty complicated and difficult to describe in posts, but I'll do the best I can. Since we got engaged she has basically been freaked about moving in to my house. She felt the kids don't want her, the house isn't to her liking (in taste, to some degree, because a good bit of the decorating was attributable to my ex-wife, which she finds impossible to live with and because she's sort of a neat freak and my kids and I aren't. Not that it's a disaster, especially with respect to people with kids, but it is cluttered and needs a good straightening out and throwing out old crap.) Anyway, her anxiety over this has been so high that she tends to project it on to me. She thinks that the reason I'm trying to get her to move in is because I want to test this out and see how it goes with the kids before I commit (when the reality is I just want her in so we can start our life and start dealing with the inevitable issues with the kids sooner rather than later. At this point I think her anxiety just grows the longer we wait). She has tended to stall on that with more and more things that we "have" to fix or change in the house before she moves in and interprets any delay on my solving the ever-growing list as evidence that I'm not committed (notwithstanding that I'm doing a ton of stuff to fix things up).

In the meantime, things have been difficult with the kids. They don't really like her that. My younger daughter generally seems to be doing better, but was insistent that none of my fiance's family be invited to her bat mitzvah (a battle that I was willing to fight for, but my fiance told me to let it go, and then said I wasn't supportive enough for letting it go). After we let my daughter have her way on that she seemed to do better and show more interest in my fiance (as if she needed to know her feelings would be respected before she would give things a chance). My older daughter has never been really friendly. Her version of "trying" with my fiance was going beyond one word responses to her when she was asked questions and being generally polite. She was never really rude, just sort of not very responsive. Of course this all added to my fiance's anxiety and she has taken to not hanging around too much when she's over with the kids. She'll often go up to the bedroom and hang out up there. In some ways it's thoughtful that she's trying to give us alone time too, but it also is because she just feels uncomfortable and it makes her seem aloof and uninterested to the kids.

So we've been trying to work through all of this and it's been hard. We started going to a therapist together who deals with bringing families together to try to help us. We've been once and it seemed to help. Last night my older daughter told me that she doesn't feel comfortable being in the house with my fiance and she wants to cut back on the number of nights she stays over from 4 to 2. I'm pretty devastated by that. I really put my life on hold for 3 years to help her deal with her our divorce and her mother's new relationship and she can't try to work through this. It sucks and its unfair. She said she would try to work through things but for now she wanted to cut back. When I came back to the bedroom and told my fiance she lost it. To her this was the ultimatum she was expecting from the kids and she believes (regardless of anything I say) that I will of course choose the kids so the wedding must be off. I haven't even had time to process all of this. I had hoped her response would be to comfort me (because this is pretty devatating for me) and try to work through this with me, but her anxiety has her so self-absorbed she can't see past her own feelings at this moment. She handed me back the ring, has been hysterically crying and says she's going to leave town and go to her parents'. Honestly I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I don't think letting my kid end my relationship is the right answer at all. Nor is losing my kids. I believe there has to be a way to work through this. On the other hand, by fiance's reactions and handling of everything since our engagement has given me doubts about whether she can handle all of this and if we can make it work. We have fought constantly for the last 3 months. It's hardly the way to go into a marriage. This sucks. It sucks hard.

Responses:

Ok...seeing that your daughter is 16, it makes my thoughts the same as my initial thought... - Jim Apr 13, 11:27 1
- I generally agree with this, but the difficulty is that the reality is much less rational than this. - pmb Apr 13, 11:37
I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you can work this out somehow. You so deserve to be happy. -- nm - Diva Apr 13, 11:22
Can't help but put myself in your shoes... I'd be just as confused and lost. Best wishes moving forward. -- nm - Strongbad Apr 13, 11:21
dude, I am so so sorry. this couldn't happen to a nicer guy. you so don't deserve this. I'll say two things, neither of which will be very helpful. - mandy lane has totally lost track of days Apr 13, 11:19 1
- Thanks. - pmb Apr 13, 11:29
I feel a body blow just reading this. Esp. given your previous posts about it. - con_carne Apr 13, 11:18
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pmb... - Andie Apr 13, 11:16 1
- It's really not an option right now. There's too much going on. - pmb Apr 13, 11:24
perhaps she is using some of these things to cover her own doubts? -- nm - zork Apr 13, 11:16
My question for you is...how old are your daughters? nm - Jim Apr 13, 11:16
sorry to hear. Sounds so difficult from all aspects - CQ Apr 13, 11:12 1
- Agreed - such a tough situation to be in. -- nm - kelly Apr 13, 11:12
My advice, get rid of her. -- nm - Loyola Apr 13, 11:10 11
- and we have a new contender for a-hole of the month -- nm - CQ Apr 13, 11:19 5
  - Hey now! -- nm - steve114 Apr 13, 11:23
  - That escalated really fast. -- nm - Loyola Apr 13, 11:21 3
    - nmb Loyola - Andie Apr 13, 11:23 2
      - Think of it as advice more than a command, as such. -- nm - Loyola Apr 13, 11:26 1
        
        well, as "advice" goes, it kind of sucks. -- nm - znufrii Apr 13, 11:31
- 1.) WTF? - Spawn Apr 13, 11:17
- my advice to you - don't be a jerk. -- nm - Andie Apr 13, 11:14
- My advice, don't bother giving personal advice on ST. -- nm - mara Apr 13, 11:13 2
  - Winner, winner, chicken dinner. -- nm - David Apr 13, 11:19
  - And, be more sensitive - con_carne Apr 13, 11:14
Wow, no idea how I'd handle all of that. Very sorry to hear that things have taken this route. -- nm - prayformojo Apr 13, 11:08
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So, so sorry. WIsh I had some good advice, but it seems you are doing what needs to be done, but damn. -- nm - Spawn Apr 13, 11:06
I consider you a friend, so I would like to ask you something. Would you prefer sympathy or advice? Whatever you want is yours. -- nm - David Apr 13, 11:06 5
- Thanks. I guess some of both. Not that I'll necessarily take the advice, but I need to think things through in these circumstances and hearing other - pmb Apr 13, 11:10 4
  - Your finance is going to be family, but your daughter *is* family. No shame in your reaction, what-so-ever. - Spawn Apr 13, 11:14 3
    - It is completely unfair on my daughter's part. - pmb Apr 13, 11:18 2
      - I hate to say it, but as a child of divorce I side with your finace here. - Spawn Apr 13, 11:22 1
        
        Word. -- nm - Jim Apr 13, 11:30

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So in relationship news, this whole getting married thing? Not so sure it's going to happen.

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