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I am facing a major life dilemma (not hyperbole) and I'm interested in other's thoughts (though I know the decision ultimately can only be mine). As

Posted by pmb (aka pmb) Aug 9 '17, 12:48

you probably know, I'm scheduled to go to Africa in a couple of weeks to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro for a week and then to go on safari. I've been planning this "trip of a lifetime" for over a year and training like crazy for the last 6 months. The issue is that my mother's health has take a turn for the worse. About 4 months ago she suffered a serious bout of congestive heart failure, but recovered well from it. However, it is progressive and not curable. About a week ago she took a turn for the worse and treatments did not prove to be particularly helpful. The decision was made to put her into a hospice level of care (at home). The thing is that the amount of time she has left is completely unpredictable. It could be weeks, it could be months. The nurse said she has seen some patients continue for more than a year. The nurse does not believe that she is in imminent danger (though something acute could always occur). In fact, she's better today than she was a week ago. She's alert, still eating (though it's a mostly liquid diet) and still able to get out of bed (with help and into a wheelchair) for meals. She is quite frail though. So here's the obvious dilemma: Assuming she is still with us in 2 weeks, do I go on the trip? Obviously if she is in sharp decline and things are imminent I would not go. But assuming current level of stability (or close to it). For the first 9 days of the trip I will be almost completely unreachable. After that, even if I wanted to return, it is probably at least a 2 day process, so my ability to get back in time would be limited, and even for the funeral, doubtful (Jewish tradition is for burial very quickly. Within 48 hours). It's been a rough week or so but we're dealing. This decision, though, is weighing on me. I almost certainly will never do this in the future if I don't do it this time. There is serious risk of regret with either choice.

Responses:

I thought about it a while and I have a cold blooded answer. - crash davis Aug 9, 13:20 6
- I'll add something else. - David Aug 9, 13:22 5
  - There's that, but maybe it's an opportunity to think about the situation and life and the world away from the immediate scenario? - Max Aug 9, 13:35
  - both good points -- nm - Remlik Aug 9, 13:32
  - yes, this as well -- nm - groiny Aug 9, 13:23
  - yes, I forgot to add that so I second David's post -- nm - crash davis Aug 9, 13:23
  - I was just thinking about this too. If you go will you even enjoy it, or be worried the whole time? -- nm - Bacon Aug 9, 13:23
ugh, are you her designated POA?? Making decisions for her if she is unable to? -- nm - groiny Aug 9, 13:17
As a parent, if there was something wrong with me, I'd want my children to continue to live their lives. Ultimately, it's up to you, I think. - JaxSean Aug 9, 13:15
This isn't the Olympics, you can have another shot. Funerals are for the living, regrets over a trip not taken won't be as bad as not being there for -- nm - zeitgeist Aug 9, 13:13
My thoughts - Bacon Aug 9, 13:10
Here's how I'll answer. - David Aug 9, 13:02 4
- [deleted] 3
  - When my father was very ill, I know i couldn't have left. (Even though he probably would have said to.) -- (edited) - Andie Aug 9, 13:13 2
    - your IM is very true. -- nm - Mel Profit Aug 9, 13:18 1
      - every family is different, everyone has different wiring. - groiny Aug 9, 13:20
Tough tough decision. I think she would want you to go. But there is no wrong answer. -- nm - Remlik Aug 9, 13:01 1
- "no wrong answer" - well put. -- nm - mud Aug 9, 13:04
I'm with the majority, you must go. -- nm - mud Aug 9, 13:01
[deleted]
Sounds like she probably will be around when you get back. She probably would want you to go. - zork Aug 9, 12:57
Sorry that you have to go through this with your mom and with this extra stress. As a parent, I'm sure that you know that you'd be telling your kid - oblique Aug 9, 12:56
That is rough and an unfortunate plug for trip insurance. I would probably stay but since I'm sending good thoughts to your family, - crash davis Aug 9, 12:56 3
- [deleted] 2
  - I am not sure. pmb probably got it as he is a smart cookie -- nm - crash davis Aug 9, 13:16 1
    - except in choosing pizza places to eat. but hey other than that.... - Remlik Aug 9, 13:18
Really sorry to hear this. What do you imagine her advice to you would be? -- nm - prayformojo Aug 9, 12:54 1
- This is the direction I was thinking. What would she say about it? Would she encourage you to go and enjoy yourself and not worry about her? -- nm - Shardik the Baron Aug 9, 12:57
Wow. That is a terrible decision to have to make. - decline Aug 9, 12:54
If it were my dad, he'd want me to go. If the nurse's statement stands, I say go climb. -- nm - Max Aug 9, 12:53 4
- I'm in this boat. My mother/father would tell me to get my ass up that mountain. -- nm - MDH Aug 9, 12:58
- My sisters, who both live here in town as well think I should go. My mother thinks I'm crazy to go do this even if she was healthy. Her statement to - pmb Aug 9, 12:56 2
  - As common as her POV may be, I think it would be unfair to let it guilt you into not going. -- nm - Max Aug 9, 13:11 1
    - Which is to say, it's a tough decision, and you shouldn't feel judged whichever choice you make. Life is gonna happen either way. - Max Aug 9, 13:14
i'm so sorry. What a terrible decision to make. How long are you gone for? -- nm - Andie Aug 9, 12:50 2
- Thanks. I'm scheduled to be gone for 17 days. -- nm - pmb Aug 9, 12:51 1
  - i honestly don't know if i could go. -- nm - Andie Aug 9, 12:52
If it were me, I simply wouldn't take the chance. Mom versus the Mnt as it were. I just couldn't take the chance. -- nm - Mel Profit Aug 9, 12:50

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I am facing a major life dilemma (not hyperbole) and I'm interested in other's thoughts (though I know the decision ultimately can only be mine). As

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