|
In response to
"HolyshitIneedamomentguys ... -- (edited)"
by
Reluctant Cynic
|
This post. What happened a moment ago (described above) is directly (but not exclusively) tied my request for good thoughts on January 9. -- (edited)
|
This evening, this moment, could be the "start of something wonderful."
And not just for me. For me and mine. Including, and especially, all y'all.
The last time I remember feeling and experiencing this type of moment was in the weeks leading up to my move to Washington, DC. What started out as a terrifying prospect, one that I kept saying "no" to, turned into an amazing experience after I learned to say "yes."
That was the first time in my life I risked saying "yes" to myself. Yes, to following my dreams of working in Washington. Dreams that I had had since, oh, only about seventh grade.
It wasn't even a dream at that time. It was a fading hope, tucked away like an old photograph in the bottom of a drawer, one not even put there intentionally, but so neglected it fell off the desk with no one noticing.
I finally said "yes" to this crazy idea that emerged from a conversation with my friend Peter Colohan. The conversation where he jokingly said, "You are the only person I know who could *possibly* enjoy this job."
And rather than just shuffling it off with a joke, I said, "Yeah, it sounds like it. I'm kind of interested."
I remembered that photograph. I recalled the memories, the excitement, the previous times I had come *that* close to getting what I really wanted out of life.
I could have put it back. I could have said "no."
Instead, I said, "Sure, why not? Let's give it a shot at least."
What started as an idea "so crazy it just might work" turned into a longer conversation with Peter. Then another. Then a few more. And some email messages. And then conversations in person on our way to the office for my first day on the job.
What started as an idea, turned into a concept, turned into a plan, turned into a few conversations, then a couple more, than a job interview. Then an offer. And six weeks later, I found myself as Peter's roommate and understudy for his job.
Like a lot of other people, Peter planted a seed in my field of dreams. But instead of ignoring it and leaving it to wither and die, I started cultivating it. Gently at first. Then more vigorously.
But even though everything fell apart into utter shambles (professionally) three months later, and even though a few years later, the world broke my heart into stony rubble, I wouldn't change any of it if I could. If law school was the best three years of my life, this was the best time of my life other than that. In so many ways. And it gave me all the knowledge, skills, and experience to what brings me here.
This moment.
My moment.
My Jerry Maguire manifesto moment combined with my Leo McGarry "Bartlet for America" moment combined with everything I've been experiencing for the past ten days--since the NASCAR Xfinity race in Portland.
Which terrifies me.
I'm only writing this stream of consciousness posting for a lot of reasons rooted in one: I'm so anxious right now, I don't know what to do. Literally. All I can do is focus on turning this post into a little essay. I'll probably need this collection of thoughts in the future for so many reasons.
I'm frozen with anxiety.
I'm sure a bunch of you now think I'm in the midst of a manic phase for this outpouring of writing.
My Imposter Syndrome is making me feel like I'm
Milton Waddams tremulously trying to assert that, he too, has the right to a little enjoyment in life, such as playing a radio at reasonable volume (why would that be so bad, anyway?).
I don't want to see how many of you have responded. Because if y'all are doing what I think you are doing I'm going to start crying.
I don't know what to do when people want to help me in this way; not just pursuing my dreams ("You go, RC!"), but helping me wrestle my Imposter Syndrome into a Time Out for a while just to give myself a chance to actually answer someone's invitation to answer a few questions. To show myself. Tell stories about who I am. Establish my bona fides. Hell, just get to know me.
That type of saying "yes" to myself. Those people. The ones who recognize The Monster Under My Bed better than I do, and who know exactly how my Imposter Syndrome needs to be disciplined.
I have no problem saying to Qale the same things David and many of us have been saying for years already: You're a better writer than you give yourself credit for. Stop preemptively saying "no" to yourself. There are way too many people in the world already who are going to tell you "no" or try to stop you. Or worse. Don't be one of them. And let us help you help yourself.
I would have more to tell Qale (of course, me being me and with my ego needing to be petted). And if I ever get the opportunity to say this in person I will.
-----------
I would also tell Qale that we are now facing worse than just being told "no" and we are on the cusp of societal change where they won't be just trying to stop you, they will be trying to kill you. Look at the increasingly growing number of people emboldened to the point of saying--publicly--and not just publicly, but publicly without the slightest hint of shame or reservation--that people like you and me should be shunned. Or banished. Or jailed. Or sent to some desert island (I actually wouldn't mind Australia, come to think of it). Or killed.
Who is going to put a stop to that? We can't do it alone. But we must do our part. We have to. All of us. Not just you and me, but all of ST. But not all of ST sees the same risks and hazards that we do. So we not only have to do our part, we have to show others how to join us. We need to lead by example and bring others along with us.
Your talents are in writing. And a certain style of writing, but not exclusively. You have an entire body of knowledge, skills, abilities, experiences, insights to share with the world. You have everything you need (and more than most) to share what you embody with the rest of the world. You can find your voice to reach the people who need to hear from you, to hear your stories. And maybe share some stories back with you.
You have everything you need, a lot of which ST has given you. All you have to do is stretch beyond where you've reached before. Stretch beyond whatever is telling you to say "no" and listen to us, your friends. We're right here. We'll help you find a way to say "yes" even if you can't. We will tell you if it's the right choice to make if you can't.
Because helping you helps us. And helping you find and rightly follow that path that opens before you will help others. If enough of us follow it, it will eventually turn into a trail--not just a path. And some trails turn into forest roads and horse trails. And some of them eventually turn into or connect with streets, roads, interstates.
You see where I'm going with this?
We can't change the past, but we can always better prepare for the future. I think I can help you do that. I know some other people who think the same. You may not even know where you need to go or how to get there, but we can help you with that. We are expert guides, wise consultants, creative geniuses, financial wizards, skilled crafters, trained professionals, and all around eccentric goofballs and misfit toys. But who knows what we can do to help you.
And not just help you, but work with you and through you along the way.
Trust us, and we will do our best to get you there. Maybe we won't. The world could end tomorrow. But at least we'll have a helluva good time and a lot of fun along the way with a few friends.
Even David. [/sarcasm]
--------------
I just wish I could find a way to communicate those same messages to myself. Why can't I say all that to myself even now?
If you've read this far, thank you. I'm writing this stream of consciousness vomitous essay because I'm trying to psyche myself up. A bit. The greater effort is to distract myself.
But I can't look at Twitter right now.
I'm going to go watch For All Mankind for a while, have some dinner, and then see what's going on in the morning.
But if you have my phone number, feel free to call me.
I could use some ST "good vibes" off and on for the next few days. In good ways.
I don't mean to vaguebook, but I'm dealing with some critical legal confidentiality issues here. I'll be more than happy to talk about this someday, and answer any questions STers have. Someday.
For now, just please bear with me.
I'm in a moment in my life that I haven't felt since I moved to Washington, DC. This could be my own "Jerry McGuire" moment because I'm feeling like a lot of the puzzle pieces I'm trying to align in my life are finally coming together in ways I would never have expected.
Then again, I could be at the beginning of a psychotic break, or feeling the initial chaos of a growing, undetected brain tumor fucking with my mind-body connection.
Right now, I'm trying my best to not question why these pieces are coming together (or whether these are just glitches in my Simulation), I'm just gonna roll with it. It feels like I'm on top of a "Yeah? Well, sometimes you just gotta roll a hard six," moment.
Regardless of the actual reasons, I would not be here--in this moment--without ST. Especially the past 6 to 9 months. I hope to have the opportunity to express how grateful I am for y'all, individually and collectively, at SlackerTalkCon 2023.
In any case, I could use whatever good energies you wish to throw out into the universe however you wish to support me and in whatever ways you do. At the very least, you can help me pray that the recipient(s) of a letter that I wrote gracefully understand my purpose in writing and sending it.
|
Responses:
|
Replies are disabled on threads older than 7 days.
|
|
