For a bit different 2022 recap: There's this summary of stuff being stuck
If you’ve ever put anything inside yourself and gotten it out again without needing medical attention: Congratulations! Things went way better for you than they did for so many other poor souls. This is a tribute to American ingenuity, American perseverance, and above all else, American recklessness.
All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and always remember that a flared base is your best friend.
As always, objects are sorted by orifice, working south:
Ear
BB SHOT FROM A DISTANCE
“WAS SEEN FOR EARACHE BUT FOUND TO BE POSITIVE FOR COCAINE METABOLITES”
INSECT
CHARGER
COMPUTER STYLUS
CUFFLINK, “TRIED USING A KNIFE TO CUT IT OUT BUT WAS UNSUCCESSFUL”
WET TISSUES IN BOTH EARS
MONKEY NOODLE
TWO EAR BUDS IN SAME EAR CANAL
PLASTIC OWL
PLASTIC SWORD
LOLLIPOP
THERMOMETER
“MISTAKENLY USED SHOE GLUE INSTEAD OF EAR DROPS”
LIGHTER FLUID
AIR FRESHENER BEAD
PIECE OF ICE CREAM CONE
PUSH PIN
“DOING MAGIC TRICK AT SCHOOL, PUT A PENCIL ERASER IN EAR AND WAS UNABLE TO RETRIEVE IT”
GLOW STICK
BATTLESHIP GAME PIECE
CANDLE WAX
“FRUIT FLY WAS ON HER HEADPHONE WHICH SHE PUT IN HER EAR AND FELT ‘BUZZING’, USED HYDROGEN PEROXIDE TO KILL THE FLY BUT WITH PERSISTENT BURNING/DISCOMFORT IN EAR, UNSURE IF THE FLY STILL ALIVE”
ROCK
Nose
GUM WRAPPER
USED MATCH
YARN
CANDY HEART
TIC TACS
“SAYS HE WAS SMELLING A MAGNET AND IT WENT UP HIS NOSTRIL”
RICE
VITAMIN D
“PUT A JEWEL UP NOSE WHILE MAKING A CROWN”
POPCORN KERNEL
GUMMY WORM
“PUT AN LED LIGHT IN HER RIGHT NOSTRIL IN AN ATTEMPT TO PRANK HER BROTHER BUT THEN WAS UNABLE TO GET IT OUT”
FLOWER
ORANGE PEEL
FISHING LURE
GLUE
PIECE OF COMPUTER MOUSE
“A BOOK OR A BUG”
DIESEL FUEL
CHEESE
Throat
STEAK KNIFE
SMALL FLASHLIGHT
SIM CARD
GLUE STICK
“THUMBTACK WAS HOLDING CURTAINS UP AT A WINDOW, PATIENT INHALED DEEPLY NEAR THE TACK & THEN COUGHED & SWALLOWED THUMB TACK, CONFIRMED ON XRAY”
BINGO CHIP
DOG TOY
CAT TOY
“EXPENSIVE COIN FROM COIN COLLECTION”
INSULIN NEEDLE
GOLF PENCIL
STACK OF STAPLES
MAGIC WAND
3 CIGARETTES
“PATIENT SAYS HE FORGOT TO TAKE FOIL OFF FOIL-WRAPPED BURRITO”
TEA BAG
HAIR CLIP
CANDY RING POP WITH PLASTIC
“DROPPED HIS OTTERPOP ONTO THE FLOOR WHICH WAS COVERED IN METAL SHAVINGS FROM A DRILL PRESS, AND CONTINUED TO EAT THE OTTERPOP”
VIDEO GAME CONTROLLER
LASER POINTER
YOGURT FOIL
CRAB SHELL
DRIED ORNAMENTAL GRASS
DART
GINGERBREAD MAN–SHAPED BROOCH
“THREW THREE COINS UP INTO THE AIR AND CAUGHT THEM IN MOUTH AND SWALLOWED THEM”
A SMALL KEY TO A DIARY
Penis
CAR KEY
WOODEN SPOON
NAIL
PENCIL
“SOME BEADS”
SEVEN-INCH SILICON TUBE
PAPER CLIP
COMB TEETH
PIECE OF SOAP
“CEILING FAN CHAIN IN HIS PENIS HOLE, STATES IT HAS BEEN THERE SINCE HIS SHOWER AT 9 LAST NIGHT”
SCREWDRIVER TIP
INFLATABLE SEX TOY
USB CORD
CELL PHONE CHARGER AND 14-INCH CORD
Vagina
COIN
SCREW
“WAS HOLDING A PEN NEAR HER VAGINA WHEN THE CAP DISLODGED AND STUCK INSIDE”
TWO PENCIL SHARPENERS
BUTTERFLY CHARM
DRINKING CUP
BOBBY PIN
GOLF BALL
“FLASHLIGHT PLACED IN VAGINA BY PATIENT AT HOME BUT HAD NO INTENTION OF IT BECOMING STUCK”
DRUMSTICK
NAIL POLISH BOTTLE
CAMERA LENS CAP
UNSCENTED SOAP BAR
PERFUMED SOAP BAR
SOAP DISPENSER
SPATULA
Rectum
PLASTIC TOY FISH
SMALL BIRD TOY
SILVER MAGNET
“SENT IN BY WIFE FOR POSSIBLE 16OZ GLASS BOTTLE IN RECTUM”
SKIN CARE BOTTLE
HAIR MOUSSE CAN
PIECE OF A LAMP
“‘HANDMADE TOY’ MADE OUT OF METAL”
CUBE-SHAPED TOY
CRAYON
RATCHET WRENCH
T-HANDLE WRENCH
“SAYS WAS IN THE SHOWER AND FELL AND THE SHOWER STOPPER STUCK UP RECTUM”
ACTION FIGURE HEAD
ACTION FIGURE
TOILET BRUSH
“PATIENT COMPLAINING OF RECTAL PAIN. PATIENT ADMITS TO INSERTING SEX TOYS 6 MONTHS PRIOR”
SPOON
“VIBRATOR EGG, PATIENT NOT SURE IF PASSED IN STOOL”
DEFLATED BALLOON
FIST-SIZED WATER BALLOON
VEGETABLE PEELER
CROCHET NEEDLE
FISHING POLE
“PATIENT STATES HE HAS A BIG TOY STUCK IN RECTUM. PATIENT STATES HE FELL ON TOP OF IT.”
COMB
FRAGRANCE BEADS
REUSABLE ICE PACK
GLASS BEER BOTTLE
“HAD A FEW BEERS AND THEN PLACED A LONG WAX CANDLE INTO HIS RECTUM, LOST BALANCE AND FELL ONTO A COUCH AND LOST HOLD OF THE CANDLE”
PILL CONTAINER
COLOGNE BOTTLE
PERFUME BOTTLE
“SAYS GIRLFRIEND PUT VIBRATOR IN RECTUM WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP”
BILLIARD BALL
“PATIENT SAYS HE WAS PLAYING WITH A CONTAINER OF ATHLETE’S FOOT SPRAY AND ACCIDENTALLY IT ENDED UP IN HIS RECTUM”
PLASTIC CANDY HOLDER
PIECE OF BROOM HANDLE
“PUT IN BUTT PLUG THEN FELL ASLEEP, NOW CAN’T FIND BUTT PLUG”
STAINLESS STEEL ROD
ICE CREAM CONE
MONOPOLY PIECE
“TWO POKER CHIPS BECAUSE OF A BET”