boston.com Love Letters today is far too mundane for ST. I think I'll post it anyway...
Posted by
Diva (aka Diva)
Aug 3 '09, 11:06
|
Q: Hey Meredith.....
I don't know if my question is unique -- I trust it isn't in general but it certainly is to me. I hope that I can glean some advice from you and the readers as to this situation. I am hopeful that it creates a discourse that can help save our marriage.
Overall, I feel that we have built a solid foundation to our lives -- 5 great kids, wonderful extended family, great home, and general economic prosperity due to really hard work over the 21 years that we have been together. Unfortunately, as may be too often the case, we have let our physical and emotional closeness erode as we put that aside for the sake of others.
6 weeks ago, she indicated that she was not happy. She did not come out and say she wanted to separate but intimated that. We had a very emotional conversation -- the most so of all our time together. I expressed my love for her and committed to change my behavior to ensure that there was no doubt about how special and important she is to my existence. I committed to ensuring that we spent time together and communicated our feelings. It was like I was staring down the abyss ... it scared me to no end thinking about not being with her forever. She also indicated that she would work on the relationship as we both wanted to stay together -- or so it seemed.
Here is where it gets complicated. There were obvious signs of a distraction from another relationship. She had started to work out like a fiend, lift weights, and diet -- ostensibly because she wanted to feel better about herself -- which I am proud of her for doing so. She looks fantastic. While this was going on, however, she was secretly having a long-distance relationship with my son's former hockey coach. There were two occasions where they had an opportunity to be physical but I don't know if that happened -- she indicates no but I am skeptical. This two-month relationship involved mostly texting - sometimes 70 per day and some of the material that he produced would make a sailor blush. I confirmed my suspicions by looking at her phone and confronted her with it. She was predictably upset about the fact that I had "spied" on her -- nothing I am proud of -- but I needed to confirm what I already knew in my heart.
She is visibly sad and confused as she tries to sort out her feelings. I have asked her to stop the relationship with the other guy -- I feel it inappropriate but she refuses to do so. Irrespective of the pain it is inflicting on me and the harm that I believe it will inevitably cause to our relationship -- she indicated it would be too painful for her to stop the interactions. More importantly, she feels that relationship is in parallel to ours and is not the cause of our underlying problems. I believe that there is truth to that statement -- this relationship was not the cause of the distance we created yet I can't believe that with it alive and well - we can ultimate reconcile our feelings of love for each other. Particularly because of the lies, secrecy and deceit that I feel being inflicted on me. She won't share what is exchanged -- I won't go behind her back anymore to find out. I have been very understanding and forgiving over this period while she is sorting things out but I am running out of both. I am hurt and angry.
Am I out of bounds here to establish some firm boundaries about her interactions with this guy? An ultimatum won't be received well but is that an approach to force her to make a decision?
Do you or the readers agree that a relationship where intimate feelings were exchanged can be viewed as having no bearing on how it affects her "working" on our relationship?
Any other approaches to suggest -- she is too stubborn and independent to accompany me to counseling.
-- Cold as Ice, North Shore
I feel bad for him and everything but like, Dude...
|
Responses:
|
