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In response to
"LIR Diva - lets collectively send out good thoughts that the Boston Letter man hooks up with his son's friend's ex girlfriend"
by
Epiphany
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heh-heh...and btw - here's meredith's response:
Posted by
Diva (aka Diva)
Aug 3 '09, 11:39
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A: CAI -- You're right -- your question isn't unique, which is sort of a bummer. It seems many couples find themselves in this position after being married for a long time. Life gets boring, love does erode, as you put it, and someone new starts to look like an escape.
I'm happy this was a wake-up call for you. I'm happy you're willing to take some accountability for the aforementioned erosion.
Now it's your wife�s turn to help mend this relationship. She's not Tony Soprano. She's not allowed to have a spouse and a significant other on the side. You're not willing to share. You're right to assume that her relationship with this man directly affects her ability to rediscover emotional intimacy with you. She can disagree all she wants, but she�s just trying to delay the inevitable -- which is letting him go.
Tell your wife that if she wants to stay with you, she has to trust that you�re going to give her enough positive attention to make her happy. Tell her you understand that she�ll be miserable for a while if she has to let this man go. It will be a break-up -- and you�ll be there for her as she goes through it.
Tell her what you've told us -- that you can't maintain a marriage with someone who's in a relationship with someone else. It�s not so much an ultimatum as it is a fact -- you can't deal with a text-messaging third wheel. If you fix this marriage, you'll be doing it as a twosome, not a trio. Tell her you're drawing the line -- not because you're a controlling partner who wants to threaten her happiness, but because you're the man who adores her and wants to stay married to her for the rest of her life.
If you're asking for my permission to make what you already know is an appropriate demand to save your marriage, you've got it, buddy. Just don't expect an over-night decision on her part. It takes more than a night and a lot of repeat conversations to figure this stuff out.
Readers? Should this woman be allowed to text a hockey coach while she's working on her marriage? Should CAI give an ultimatum? Can this North Shore marriage be saved? Share here.
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