boston.com Love Letter response: Yes, it's a lie, but...
Posted by
Diva (aka Diva)
Sep 11 '09, 08:50
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NABAW, this one actually is kind of black-and-white. She lied. It wasn�t a white lie (or a shampoo lie) � it was a real lie.
It was also a bad lie. Strange that she lied to you about when she received the gift as opposed to who gave it to her. The good news is that she�s obviously not a practiced liar. She seems new to the art of the cover-up. That�s a good thing.
To answer your question, yes, people tell real lies all the time to avoid awkward conversations. You must make it clear to her (without being confrontational, if possible) that you�d rather hear the truth � and that you�ll do your best to keep an open mind even if you hear something that upsets you. If she�s going to be friends with an ex who gives her presents, you�d rather know than be surprised later.
As for her white-lie defense � she may let that go after you've shown that you've really forgiven her. She feels attacked. She�s sticking to her story. But I�m sure she�ll eventually admit to herself that if you were getting gifts from an ex, she�d want to know.
You want to forgive her, and that's OK. But it�s time to have a talk about what you�re both comfortable sharing and where you draw the line between lies and privacy. Just know that if you convince her to tell all, you'll have to cope with what you hear.
It sounds like you're looking for validation that you're right and she's wrong. I'm giving it to you. But I'm also telling you to stop punishing her (and to stop debating lie semantics), and to use this as a teaching moment.
I can't believe I said "teaching moment." Blech. Sorry about that.
Readers? Was this lie a shampoo lie? What is the meaning of the gift from the ex? Is the trust gone? Do I look fat in these pants? Share thoughts here.
� Meredith
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