lyc
Posted by
tRuMaN (aka Truman)
Sep 9 '08, 07:57
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I need to rant some, and I think writing it down will help.
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you do not need to read what I am writing, unless you really want to.
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I am not sure I am strong enough to become whatever you think I should be. Everything I hear is about you (you need space, you need to work things out, you will decide when we will work on the relationship, you will decide when I have changed, you will etc) and nothing is about us.
This isn't a new trend, I had noticed this a lot in the last few months. Things that previously were a we, suddenly became an I. Things that before were just problems we both had to deal with, suddenly became a you, or a me, never us or we.
I want it to work, I love you so goddamn much, but I am not sure I can dedicate myself to a goal that I am not sure you want.
You are going to move out tomorrow, and you don't care I how I feel about it. All you say is that you are going to do what you want. You will not except me imposing my will on you, even when I am not and all I want us to do is talk things out and try to figure this out, together. If you need space, fine, but there are a million issues to be worked out (finances are in that) and yet, its your way or bust. If I do not except your olive branch, then I have killed the relationship, but then you get to decide when I have done enough to deserve your trust. I have never broken your trust. I am not the one that wants to throw away 6+ years of marriage because you want to be someone else and I must be holding you back.
Yes, I need to became a better person for our marriage to work, but so do you, and I am not sure you even recognize that sometimes. You ask me what my biggest issue with you is, and then proceeds to argue that you are not controlling, that I am the controlling one. Or that I am somehow projecting my own problems onto you. You are just as culpable in the state or our marriage as I am.
We both need to stop using the crutch of past events to justify how we act now. Both of us. That means, you cannot just say, after a discussion where you do not agree with me, that I am just acting the same way I always have, and nothing has changed. That is not fair to either of us. We both need to let go of the past and start anew. And the first way to do that is to stop using the past to view the now. If you are unwilling to do that, then there is no place for us to go from here.
I've read two books on communicating, and tried numerous methods (both books are based on the idea that both parts of the marriage read the book, so it is hard to work this out when you haven't read it yet) the last few days. And all I get from you is a remark about how I never change, I am sill the same I was. Change isn't an overnight event, it is a complex and excruciating hard thing to work on changing a set of behaviors. You have to be willing to give me time, and you have to be willing to except that I am changing, even if the changes are small. In time, with effort and support, the cumulative effect of all these small changes will be what we both want, but that goes back to the time issue and the trust issue and the issue of not using the past in order to view the future.
I get no acknoledgment (another big issue you have, that I am always trying to get credit) for trying, you want me to change, but will not give any feedback. I am suddenly just supposed to become the person you think I should be, and until then, you will not try to save us.
Maybe the books are right, maybe ending it now would be easier. Isn't that what the "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" book has told you.
Maybe I just need to think on this more, maybe I just need to sleep (4 hours or less a night since sat) or maybe I just need to give up.
god I am so tired, and I feel so abandoned by you. I feel that since you are a different person (a doctor now) and that you want a different relationship. that you think that since your occupation has changed, your status in the relationship should change. maybe you are right, maybe you are not, but trying to enforce your will will not fix things, it will just patch them for a while.
You accuse me of not treating you as an equal, but I have no idea how to fix that, that is how you feel, not how I treat you. I helped you start your own business, I have backed away from the management of the business, and have allowed you to run the business as you see fit. Yes, that is partly because it was causing friction between us, and that topic has been discussed extensively. But also because I trust you enough that you will work to make your business succeed without me.
You accuse me of trying to separate you from having a social life. Maybe I do, maybe I am jealous of the time you spend with others, because that is time I don't get to see you. When your possible "marriage time" is only 40 hours or so a week, it is hard to accept that another 10 hours or so is to be given away, leaving you with just the leftovers. This has been another issue we have tried to work on in the past, and I can see know that you feel I have imposed my will on you, and that you think I want to control your actions. When all I really want is some type of aknowledgement that when you leave to go out and help someone, outside of the clinic, and 9pm, that is time you take away from me. Over time, it has became where I resent this, because you are saying that everyone else is more important than me. If we go to dinner, you will use our time to stop and talk to everyone you know. It used to be that you would answer your phone, regardless of what we were doing. Then it somehow became that I am allowing you to answer your phone, because you announce the caller and then wait for me to respond. Again, this is not what I wanted. What I wanted is a recognition that we are trying to do something together, and that the world shouldn't have to intercede into the time.
I think our problem, like with what I would expect is happening with many other couples, is that we are just not able to communicate with each other. You feel that I am trying to control your be reacting angerly, or frustratedly when you take away time that we could spend together. I feel that you do not value me as much you value everyone else. You feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me, and I feel the same way with you. You feel that I do not value your opinion, and always try to enforce mine. I feel as if you do not let me have say in the process of making a decision, and instead you just make it and that is that.
You accuse me of not trying to be part of our families lives. Yes, I do just sit in a comfy chair at your parents house while you talk to your mom and dad, that is how I relax or veg. Yes, I do play cards with them, eat with them, and talk with them, but that doesn't appear to be enough. Sitting in a chair while you talk doesn't mean I don't care for them or like them, it just means that I am getting to relax. I am sorry if you feel that I always get sick, or a headache, or am trying to set a time limit to drive back home. Spending time with you and your mom is not the same as time we spend just together, being together. Maybe it is that for you, but it isn't even close to that for me.
I do have a temper. For that, more than anything else, I am sorry. I wish I could say that I will never get frustrated or angry about the little things again, but I cannot promise that. It will be a lifelong struggle to fix my addiction to anger. I will try, and sometimes I will fail, but in failure I should be able to learn, not be scolded for not changing.
I am sorry that you feel I always try to justify something by saying "but" or "listen to me". I never feel as if you are actually listening to me. As soon as I try to explain my actions, and what happened, you get defensive and cut me off. I rarely get to finish a sentence anymore, you always just cut me off, and tell me what I said.
That is the other thing that bothers me, you always know what I said, better than I do. You always say you can understand what I say, and throw it back at me. I am never right, I can never remember anything right. Its frustrating to be told that nothing I remember is right, nothing I say is right, and when trying to explain how I feel, you re-interpret it and tell me how I was wrong.
There doesn't have to be a winner in every argument, just a conclusion. But you never let that happen, you decide to be magnanimous, and then tell me that you are forgiving me and that we should move on. So nothing ever gets finalized, and it eats you up inside that you are always having to just be willing to forgive me, even when I shouldn't, or even when it should be you that gets forgiven. But you do that, not me, and you get angry with me if I try to talk to you about it later, because it is history, and it shouldn't matter.
Except it seems to be that history of things that have caused you to feel the way you do.
If this separation is just for you to became someone else, and is not about fixing us, then nothing will get fixed. you have to be willing to bend as well.
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