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how am i supposed to trust her when she doesn't even follow through on her agreements?

Posted by tRuMan (aka Truman) Sep 10 '08, 10:46

all I asked was that she not move anything out of the house till I got home.

guess what, she moved a bunch of stuff, even stuff we hadn't agree to her taking.

she is taking all her memories (box of stuffed bears I gave her, her box of photos from college, etc).

I don't think she wants to make it work, because she is acting like she is leaving permanently, not just trying to get some space.

and if I say anything to her about this, she will say I am trying to control her.

Responses:

Ugh - she clearly wants to do what she wants to do regardless of how you feel about it. - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:00 36
- And inventory everything, ideally with photos and/or record of purchase, if the material stuff matters at all. -- nm - Beryllium Sep 10, 11:02 23
  - we wrote up a list last night, and even signed in showing our agreement on the items. -- nm - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:03 22
    - and she violated the list already? -- nm - Beryllium Sep 10, 11:04 21
      - it appears so yes. -- nm - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:07 20
        
        Then my advice would be to drop in to hardcore evidence-gathering mode. Gather what evidence you can to defend yourself and get important stuff back. -- nm - Beryllium Sep 10, 11:08 19
        
        the only thing I am apphrehensive about her taking was a box of nicknacks that we have collected from vacations - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:10 18
        
        you two are on two different mental levels right now - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:12 16
        
        nods -- nm - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:16
        
        ^-- listen to epiphany more than you listen to me. I have zero experience with this sort of thing, except .. - Beryllium Sep 10, 11:15 14
        
        there are people here who have been through it. It's remarkable how it normally takes the same course -- nm - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:19 13
        
        And it's really sad how many women seem to be so adept at twisting the system to totally fuck over their ex-husbands. - Beryllium Sep 10, 11:25 12
        
        That was not my experience. It depends on the people involved. -- nm - pmb Sep 10, 15:52
        
        yeah, not really a cool generalization. for one, the women often end up getting the kids and need the financial support - kare Sep 10, 13:02 5
        
        Indeed. My mom got the kids, my dad ended up paying some child support, and that situation went rather well. - Beryllium Sep 10, 13:23 4
        
        sorry you had to go through that. :( -- nm - kare Sep 10, 13:30 1
        
        thanks ... the generalization that kicked all this off is just a dramatization of it, really ... - Beryllium Sep 10, 13:59
        
        (And the bias I drew from it, used in the generalization above, is because the exes were doing the wringing and torturing) -- nm - Beryllium Sep 10, 13:24 1
        
        ... and he made it through all that, only to then die of cancer. So ... yeah. -- nm - Beryllium Sep 10, 13:25
        
        I've seen it go both ways. People can be so mean to the very people they vowed to love their entire life - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:28
        
        thank god for prenups. -- nm - Remlik Sep 10, 11:27 3
        
        i believe in prenups, i've decided. -- nm - kare Sep 10, 13:02
        
        no prenup here -- nm - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:27 1
        
        well protect yourself as best you can. -- nm - Remlik Sep 10, 11:38
        
        Hopefully you haven't heard the A-word yet. - Beryllium Sep 10, 11:12
- that's tough to hear but probably sound advice. I feel for you - zork Sep 10, 11:02 5
  - It is almost a habit that people get into - they say it and don't mean it - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:06 4
    - honestly, I have used the i'm leaving bit - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:07 1
      - people do - most people do. I had it explained to me - cause I never said it - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:11
    - no habit, nor constant. not often at all and not without any conviction. - zork Sep 10, 11:07 1
      - No couple is blithely skating through life. - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:14
- i know. she still owes me the cards and the checkbook -- nm - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:01 5
  - omg - truman, seriously - get them today. Especially if she is taking stuff out of the house. - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:02 4
    - better yet. Cancel them and change the locks. -- nm - Remlik Sep 10, 11:04 3
      - I hate this because I with Remlik didn't go through it, and that tru isn't having this happen - but listen to Pete on the credit cards -- nm - crash davis Sep 10, 11:07 2
        
        I can't stress that enough, hopefully your Ex (tru) isn't like that. But call the comapny and suspend the credit cards. -- nm - Remlik Sep 10, 11:12
        
        wish, not with -- nm - crash davis Sep 10, 11:08
I am very sorry to hear that as well. -- nm - crash davis Sep 10, 10:58
Hrm. Yeah, that does sound a bit ... uncooperative. I dunno what would be best in that situation. -- nm - Beryllium Sep 10, 10:57
I'm sorry to hear this.... - Remlik Sep 10, 10:57 15
- we start with a new counselor next wed. -- nm - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:00 14
  - so why the big rush on her moving her stuff? why can it not stay put for awhile? - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:01 13
    - exactly. Mine went out on a date the week after she left to 'think about things' - Remlik Sep 10, 11:03 8
      - good lord. - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:08 5
        
        yeah mine went from 'loving me" in her words to moving out a month later....so something was hinky. -- nm - Remlik Sep 10, 11:14 3
        
        clearly she is an idiot. -- nm - Epiphany Sep 10, 11:15 2
        
        she's something all right. -- nm - Remlik Sep 10, 11:27 1
        
        funny how seeing someone else go through it can give you that feeling in the pit of your stomach again - kare Sep 10, 13:17
        
        i wouldn't say never, but probably not so much for a while at the time. -- nm - zork Sep 10, 11:10
      - the agreement we wrote up, for a trial separation, states not dating. -- nm - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:04 1
        
        and if you sniff her out if she does, she might accuse you of spying -- nm - zork Sep 10, 11:06
    - she wants space to figure herself out. and she thinks I need space to figure me out. - tRuMan Sep 10, 11:03 3
      - tru, i think maybe she really really can't think straight right now, and letting her have her own place and some downtime will be the only way to - Andie Sep 10, 12:09 1
        
        this is really good advice. when you're in that state, you truly *need* that space to get perspective. the hardest thing probably is letting go enough - kare Sep 10, 13:12
      - perhaps, she wants to make any descision without being tied to her stuff being with you - zork Sep 10, 11:04

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how am i supposed to trust her when she doesn't even follow through on her agreements?

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