boston.com Love Letter: He acts like he's still married.
Posted by
Deevil (aka Diva)
Oct 21 '09, 12:13
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Dear Meredith,
I have been dating a married (separated not yet divorced) man for the past 8 months. He maintains a separate residence in a town close to his family's home. He was married for 16 years and he and his ex/current wife have 1 daughter who is almost 4 yrs. old. He is kind and loving, smart and fun to be around. We have a good relationship. I know he loves me and tries very hard to take care of me and make me happy. I am not shy about sharing my opinions and feelings.
Here's the rub. He moved out 8 months ago and I think he spends too much time at his family's home in the company of is ex/current wife. Apart from childcare issues and the time he spends with his daughter, which I remain flexible and understanding about, I don't think he should be spending anytime at the residence. He doesn't see this as a problem. I find it weird. I also think it perpetuates the idea that he and his ex are still a couple.
Typically (currently, he is unemployed), he will leave my apartment in the city and travel north to take care of his daughter in the morning then drop her at daycare. He then heads back to the family homestead and spends most days there (whether the wife is there or not). He does the dishes, the laundry, and sometimes grocery shopping. He maintains the lawn and will shovel snow in the winter.
Today for example, she is home sick from work and he is there as well. When I asked him whether he felt uncomfortable being there when she is there, he said no. There are other issues about boundaries too numerous to mention ... like him lying about attending a family birthday party with his daughter and ex in the same car (no I was not invited) and his ex calling/texting repeatedly his cell phone on his "day off" when she knows that he is with me. It could be manipulation on her part or it could be falling into old patterns. The frustrating thing is that I see it as a problem but he does not.
To me his behavior or lack of boundaries signals that he is not ready to have this relationship with me if he hasn't moved on from his last one. So I ask him to clarify those boundaries and he waffles and seems confused about how to move forward.
Am I just wasting my time? Will he figure this out? Do I put aside all the good stuff we have between us and just move on?
� Am I The Girlfriend or NOT (AITGON)
Diva sez: Technically, he is still married, but...
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Responses:
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Speaking from experience, he's not ready. The behavior isn't really that surprising. They did this for 16 years. Seperation isn't easy after that.
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pmb
Oct 21, 12:23
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He *is*, homewrecker!
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Dr.Vermin
Oct 21, 12:17
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I don't get dating a married (but separated) person.
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musubi
Oct 21, 12:16
11
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znufrii?
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JackDawson si
Oct 21, 12:16
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They've been dating for eight months, he moved out eight months ago... it's shocking that it might have been too soon. -- nm
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TFox
Oct 21, 12:16
1
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he could be doing home chores as a negotiated alternative to financial support. -- nm
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Max
Oct 21, 12:16
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Diva is right. Chick needs to chill out and wait until he's divorced. -- nm
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oblique
Oct 21, 12:16
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she's not the girlfriend, she's the mistress. -- nm
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decline
Oct 21, 12:15
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