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boston.com Love Letter: She has cancer and I want out...

Posted by Deevil (aka Diva) Oct 27 '09, 12:32

This is a tough one to write. But the headline, if you will, is "she has cancer and I want out."

Both she and I came out of long-term relationships last winter. We met over the summer and hit it off. We did a few weekend trips, had some nights out with friends, and had plenty of alone time together, and the sex was great.

This went on for about the first six to eight weeks -- then I started to feel that maybe she wasn't the one for me. When I say �the one," I should say I am 33 and she is 31. We are both looking for a future. We never really talked about it in detail, but from the things that we have said, it was clear we were sort of both past dating different people each month.

As I said, after about eight weeks I started thinking she wasn't even in the same ballpark of a person I would consider marrying. She is very nice, treats me well and is very attractive, but she just didn't have "it" -- that thing that is indiscernible that would make me know without a doubt she was the one.

For her side, I don't think I am the one either, so I figured what the hell. I did like her, we have fun, so just ride it out for what it is, enjoy the sex and fun, and like all things in life, it will end on its own volition sometime soon.

Before going on, I need to rewind a bit. Two years ago, my 52-year-old father was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and the odds were not good for survival. It was a tough, tough fight he had -- my sister and two brothers and I were there with him side-by-side for the operations, the visits to countless clinics, etc. We watched him have some real bad days, then some real good days. As time went along, the bad days started to out number the good days, and toward the end, a good day was when he could hold food down. We lost my dad, cancer beat him. We have not been the same since. It�s so not fair -- he had so much to live for. Anyone who has been though this knows exactly what I am saying.

But now move back ahead to present day. Last week, she tells me she just got diagnosed with cancer. It is treatable and the survival rate is high, but it involves treatments, clinic visits, and hospital stays.

I can't do it. Call me weak, but last year I went though all this with my dad and it broke me. I am not in the mind-set to have to go through this again so soon -- it will be all too familiar.

I need to end the relationship with her and it is because she is sick and I feel terrible, but I need to be selfish. I would be a lousy support person for her. I know I would. I just need to end it. I don't know how though. Should I just walk away and completely shut her out of my life and give no reason? Or do I explain myself to her? For even thinking about this I feel like the worlds worst person. She is a wonderful girl and I know she will be OK, but I can't do this all over again so soon.

� Running From a Wonderful Girl Because Without Me She Will Be Much Better

Diva sez - :(

Responses:

Suck it up and stay with her. -- nm - Loyola Oct 27, 12:50 1
- besides, its a great pick up line in the singles bar (my (sob) girl is dying (sob) and I'll be left (sob) alone -- nm - zeitgeist Oct 27, 12:52
i'm gonna go with the exotic answer - tRuMaN Oct 27, 12:44
write her a letter or text and be done with it - Trick or Pippy Oct 27, 12:42
Humm, what would that family values guy Newt Gingrich do? -- nm - zeitgeist Oct 27, 12:41 1
- here -- (link) - Spawn Oct 27, 12:43 [Backboard]
Do what you got to do. She's to old for him anyway -- nm - The Legend of CQ Hollow Oct 27, 12:39 7
- too old for anyone really. 33? how do her joints even still work for the sexing? -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:40 6
  - The letter sez that she's 31, but still - who'd want to tap something that ancient? -- nm - Deevil Oct 27, 12:43 5
    - It'd be like jamming a mummy filled with sawdust. -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:44 3
      - Altho' once a chick gets that old and her teeth start falling out and everything - Deevil Oct 27, 12:47 2
        
        assuming she can still, y'know, moisten herself anywhere. do humans that close to dead still have glands? -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:49 1
        
        *brings a colostomy bag to Sandals* -- nm - Deevil Oct 27, 12:50
    - [deleted]
He shouldn't walk away completely, he should think of her as a friend and provide some support. He should make it clear that he can't be her main - mara Oct 27, 12:37 3
- "How are you feeling today? Oh, that bad? Sorry. You should see the chick I jammed in a bathroom at the club we used to go to..." -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:48
- [deleted] 1
  - and then it's up to her whether or not she still wants him around after he explains himself. - znufrii Oct 27, 12:47
Ouch. She definitely deserves an explanation. -- nm - znufrii Oct 27, 12:36 15
- after eight weeks, when the explanation is "your cancer is going to be way too hard on me"? meh. just go. - TFox Oct 27, 12:39 14
  - the reason he's leaving is dickish enough, without compounding it by not being honest with her about it. - znufrii Oct 27, 12:42 10
    - Yeah, that will make her feel *much* better about having cancer. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:44 6
      - at least she'll know, rather than wondering if that was the reason. - znufrii Oct 27, 12:46 5
        
        The only time certainty is better than doubt is when you were wrong. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:50
        
        she won't care about the reason, once she realizes how glad she is to not be dating him anymore. eight weeks. wtfever. -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:48 3
        
        It doesn't say they've been dating for 8 weeks. It says it took him 6-8 weeks to realize she wasn't the one. -- nm - mara Oct 27, 12:50 2
        
        Yep - and they met over summer, so it's 4 months at the most. "You need to be supported by people you've known your whole life, I can't be there for - Roger More Oct 27, 12:54
        
        you're right. it still doesn't sound like a year or anything like that. -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:52
    - meh. might even be easier on her if he goes full dick, and really embraces his new role as the asshole ex, rather than trying to squirm. -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:44 2
      - easier, maybe. better? meh... -- nm - znufrii Oct 27, 12:44 1
        
        the explanation is about making *him* feel better, knowing she understands that it isn't his fault. - TFox Oct 27, 12:47
  - [deleted] 1
    - this so reminds me of the beginning of this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm. (spoils) - TFox Oct 27, 12:42
  - Your cancer and treatment is going to kill the sex. Sorry doll. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:40
Just go. Once you know you need to go, go. There is no such thing as making it better by pretending it's ok. Bounce. -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:36 12
- But see, he needs someone to tell him to do it so he will not blame himself. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:37 3
  - which is bull and he's a total puss, i agree. but given that, he needs to go. -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:38 2
    - I 100% agree he has to go. He just needs to man-up about it, though. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:39 1
      - this is the correct answer and it's way obvious -- nm - The Legend of CQ Hollow Oct 27, 12:43
- Especially considering he knew he had to go before the cancer anyway. -- nm - Jim Oct 27, 12:37 7
  - He has to remove that from the equation. He stayed. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:38 6
    - for a week. this is not like a year deep. everyone accidentally dates some people a week or two too long. -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:40 5
      - Where do you get the "for a week" part? -- nm - mara Oct 27, 12:50
      - Nope. "I was going to leave you, but didn't." is a wuss response. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:42 3
        
        we're not saying different things, i don't think. -- nm - TFox Oct 27, 12:42 2
        
        We aren't, but argue too well to stop for that. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:46 1
        
        L3! -- nm - Trick or Pippy Oct 27, 12:49
That's a tough one. But if you can't do it, you can't do it. -- nm - Dr.Vermin Oct 27, 12:36 1
- Yup. -- nm - Jim Oct 27, 12:36
"I would be a lousy support person for her." so instead I will dump her ass, leaving her alone. -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:36
[deleted]
Newt? -- nm - Spawn Oct 27, 12:33

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boston.com Love Letter: She has cancer and I want out...

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