Love Letter response to I'm Not Hanging Around For You and Your Cancer Guy:
Posted by
Deevil (aka Diva)
Oct 27 '09, 12:56
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Meredith sez:
RFAWGBWMSWBMB, I�m not so sure the issue here is the cancer. It is, of course, but you were pretty clear about the fact that you had plans to ditch this woman at some point anyway. Your mistake is not telling her at the eight-week mark that you didn�t see this working out in the long run. You assumed she felt the same way, but maybe she didn�t. As you put it, �For her side, I don't think I am the one either so I figured what the hell.�
Perhaps if you had told her how you felt (and didn�t feel) at eight weeks, this would be an easier conversation.
My advice is to tell her all of this, but to focus less on the cancer than the other stuff. Nursing someone and watching them die is � well, there are no words. It�s life-changing. But if this woman were �the one,� as you put it, you might be up for going through this process with her. Your desire to bail is about your lack of feelings for her, which have been the problem all along.
You�re going to have to end this, and you�ll feel like a bad guy. I know you want to avoid feeling like a jerk, but I�m not sure that�s possible. The way you signed your letter � as if you�ll be doing her a favor by leaving her � well, it�s bad form to phrase it that way. Without her you�ll be much better.
You stayed too long in a casual relationship and now you�re ditching someone who�s sick. You didn�t plan it that way, but that�s how it has gone down. The best thing to do is to be honest and accountable. Tell her that you started planning your exit weeks ago, but you enjoyed her company so you hung on. Tell her it would be misleading and confusing to stay on as her significant other during this process. Tell her you feel like a jerk and apologize. Then see how she responds. If you�re right about her lack of feelings for you, maybe she�ll take it well.
Let this be a lesson � if you�re really looking for something serious and you no longer want to date casually, behave that way. Let someone know when you�re sure they�re not �the one.�
And don�t beat yourself up too much. This is bad, but you couldn�t have anticipated any of it. Just try to learn from this experience. And ... so sorry about your dad.
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