boston.com Love Letter #JeezLouise
Meredith,
Love the column! Been thinking about this for a while now and everyone I ask gives me a different answer. I like what you have to say in general, so I thought I would give you a try. I am a late-20something who got out of a long-term relationship a while ago. I have dated since, although nothing serious. While at some point I want to settle down, I have fun being single and have a good group of friends that I have fun with.
About six weeks ago I met a boy -- well not a boy, a man. He is a friend of a friend and we met at party. We hit it off immediately, both ended up having too much to drink and then wound up leaving the party together. We kept everything very PG, and I can honestly say I am not sure I have ever had so much fun with someone. The next morning, things were great and he got my number.
Now here is comes the tricky part. He has a tough job � in medicine. He works all the time, works weird hours, etc. He is not all that far along in residency, so he is also still taking tests which require significant amounts of studying. He works nights, weekends, 16-hour-days, etc. I come from a home where my parents worked long weeks, so a work schedule such like this does not bother me. In fact, I like and appreciate my own time to do my own things with my own friends. I am different than most girls in that I am not looking for someone to be with 24 hours a day, which is something I find a lot of men don�t really understand or assume.
Anyways, after we went home together that night, things started slowly. I ran into him the next weekend and my friends hung out with his friends at the bar for while before both groups went our separate ways. We texted the rest of the night, trying to meet up, but it never happened. We texted once or twice a week, each taking our turns initiating the texting, mainly about weekend plans or jokes we have. I was out of town one weekend, so couldn�t meet up, then he was on call. Three weeks ago, we met up out and again ended up back at his place, this time, things moved to PG-13.
Again, I had more fun with him than I can remember ever having with someone. Since, our texting has been more frequent, but he has worked every weekend since so we haven�t seen each other.
So, here is my question � For the most part, all signs point to the fact that he is just looking for someone to hook up with when he is able to go out. I interpret his continued texts as ways to ensure that when he is available, he has someone to call, although, he tells me he has fun after we are together, and he does make an effort to text. When we are out, I can�t lose him � if I walk around the bar, he follows. He is attached at my hip with his hand on my back or around my shoulders all the time, to the point where I have to ask him to chill as I don�t do PDA in bars. He tells me how attracted he is to me when we are together, so I guess I don�t know how to read it. When we aren�t together, our texts are very innocent, no mention of feelings at all.
While I know he works a lot, the logical part of my brain tells me if he wanted to hang out sober and alone, he would have made an effort to. Because of his job, he has very little time for fun and/or dating. I am not sure if this is the reason we don�t hang out more or if it�s because he is simply not that interested. I often wonder if he would like too, but is scared to ask or scared to move more quickly as his schedule makes any relationship tough. If it�s the job/no time, I would like him to know I am open to less traditional ways of dating (aka couch dates/sleepovers that start at 9pm when he gets out work). I am also open to more lose interpretations of relationships with him, meaning, sticking to PG-13 sleepovers for now. I am not looking to be with him 5 days a week, especially at this stage.
I generally just have a fantastic time when I am with him and would like to have more of those times than we do, regardless of where it may end up or be defined as. I have no clue how to figure out if the reason we don�t is because of his job, because he doesn�t want to date, and he thinks I want to be serious (as all men think 29�year-old females just want to get married), because he is scared or because he just isn�t all that into me. If the answer is to ask� how? I am traditional in the sense that I think the guy should do the asking for dates/hangouts, etc. Since he's not -- and I don't know why not � is it bad for me to ask him to hang out, or should I take the fact that he is not asking me as a sign he doesn't want too and leave it as that ...
Thanks for your thoughts!
Diva sez: I couldn't even make it past the second paragraph.
