boston.com Love Letters: Post Traumatic Stress Dating
Posted by
Diva (aka Diva)
Jan 4 '10, 12:50
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Hello,
Just found out about this column and thought it would be a good way to get some advice anonymously, so hopefully I can get some type of response. Anyway, I�m a 25-yo, single male and had to deal with a situation when I was 19 that still affects my relationships to this day.
My sophomore year of college, I got a friend of mine pregnant. We were left with a big choice to make that would change us both. She decided that keeping it would cause more problems than not, so we decided to get an abortion. I was on the fence about it, but didn�t stop her. We didn�t talk much after it was done, probably due to immaturity and efforts to move on with our lives. The way I handled it still makes me cringe as I write this six years later.
The whole situation changed how I view relationships, sex, etc. more than I could have thought. I still carry a certain amount of guilt about it today (My Catholic upbringing may have something to do with it) and think about what I could have done differently to make it a better situation. But more so, I am terrified of another unplanned pregnancy.
Due to the experience, even with necessary precautions, I still think "Did I do enough to protect myself? What if something fails again? Is she responsible with her birth control? Would she lie about it?� All these questions -- no matter how ridiculous -- enter my mind. This has strained past relationships. I push women away after a period of time (I have not had a relationship for longer than a couple months), even really nice ones.
Abstinence is unrealistic, so even my fear is overcome by human nature sometimes. The number of women I have been with since is not out of control, but its enough to see an obvious pattern. Meet, date, woman wanting commitment, slowly push away, end. Repeat. I tell myself it�s just that I haven�t found the right one, but I think it�s deeper than that.
I have dealt with this internally, haven�t told anyone, aside from a close friend, about the whole thing. I�m not a real "emotions on my sleeve" kind of guy. But, I need to figure this out somehow, so here I am. There is a new person in my life that I like, and I don�t want her to end up getting hurt like the others.
There are numerous issues to deal with here, but I just need to take some first steps in dealing with them. I am interested in your opinion and readers that may have been through a similar thing. Am I crazy for thinking this much about it? Is it common to be haunted by a past decision like this? Is this a trust issue? Sorry for the long winded/sporadic letter, but it�s honestly the most I�ve said/written about it since it occurred.
Any help would be appreciated.
� Still dealing, Boston
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