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boston.com Love Letters: I have a pen pal.

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Jan 19 '10, 09:03

Hi Meredith,

I have a sort of strange situation I need help with!

I am a recently engaged 31-year-old. Although there were a couple of "bumps" along the way, I think our relationship is the strongest it's ever been and I'm excited about our future together.

Having said that, one of the issues we did encounter some time ago was that my boyfriend (now fianc�) had a female friend (who happens to be an ex-girlfriend) I never knew about. I was never a controlling, jealous, needy girlfriend. In fact, I think the �freedom� I gave �Jim� was what caused this issue in the first place. I was very confused why he would hide this friendship. They would occasionally get dinner and catch up. I guess she has a boyfriend, as well, and their friendship was completely platonic. I've come to believe that, but a scar certainly remains for me. When I found out about this girl (I snooped through his phone and saw a couple of texts - nothing bad, nothing sexual), I was devastated he would hang out with someone behind my back- especially because she was an ex. I assumed they weren't just �catching up.� We went through couples� therapy and he no longer speaks to her and has really made a 100% effort to be truthful and non-deceitful. Weirdly as it seems, that event seems to have made us stronger, even though the level of trust will never be the same.

However, I feel I needed to tell that story before I got into my present problem. Before Jim was in the picture, I met a guy online. This was in 2004. We never dated and never even met. I guess we both sort of chickened out about meeting. However, we have remained close "e-mail" friends for the past five years. It is strictly platonic and it is not sexual at all. It's hard to describe, but we can share problems/stories with each other and trust that other will not share with anyone else. We write back and forth at work and that's it. Nothing at night, nothing on the weekends. During the work days we email back and forth a lot -- almost every day.

The problem is that I feel guilty I've never mentioned him to Jim. It's embarrassing to tell him I met him online and I feel like it's hypocritical because it's me hiding someone just like he did. At the same time, I feel it's different because we have never dated and do not hang out face-to-face.

Meredith, am I terrible hypocrite? I am wondering how to tell my fianc� without ruining my relationship?

� Hypocrite in Boston?

Diva sez: Yes, you are a hypocrite.

Responses:

You know what they say about people who say "I was never a controlling, jealous, needy..." -- nm - Max Jan 19, 09:15 2
- they're Hitler? -- nm - Reagen Jan 19, 09:17 1
  - "but then the jews ruined my country so I threw in the Rom for good measure. Was that wrong?" -- nm - Max Jan 19, 09:19
A little bit hypocritical, but she's no desire to meet him. Mention it in passing to the husband sometime. -- nm - Loyola Jan 19, 09:12
"In fact, I think the �freedom� I gave �Jim� was what caused this issue in the first place." Run, Jim, RUN!!!! - David Jan 19, 09:12
hypocrite. -- nm - loosilu Jan 19, 09:10
TOTAL hypocrite. -- nm - Andie Jan 19, 09:09 7
- [deleted] 6
  - and, why didn't she tell him during COUPLE'S THERAPY? that would have been the appropriate time. -- nm - Andie Jan 19, 09:11 5
    - Hence my response. -- nm - Spawn: Champion of ST Jan 19, 09:12 2
      - also, she says she 'can't get the same level of trust back', but she did the exact same thing? -- nm - Andie Jan 19, 09:13 1
        
        I'm guessing her email relationship isn't always as platonic as she claims -- nm - Roger More Jan 19, 09:15
    - and this is exactly why she feels guilty. karma's a bitch. -- nm - loosilu Jan 19, 09:11
    - exactly. -- nm - znufrii Jan 19, 09:11
Too easy. "Yes. Say exactly what you told me Next question." (nm) - musubi Jan 19, 09:08
Tell. Him. - znufrii Jan 19, 09:06 3
- [deleted] 2
  - heh -- nm - Spawn: Champion of ST Jan 19, 09:11
  - ? -- nm - znufrii Jan 19, 09:10
[deleted] 1
- word -- nm - Beaker Jan 19, 09:13
If I was the guy and found out, I was dump her. -- nm - Spawn: Champion of ST Jan 19, 09:05 4
- especially from her reaction to his similiar situation -- nm - tRuMaN Jan 19, 09:11 2
  - (including her then lack of disclosure.) "Do as I say, not as I do." never flies with me. -- nm - Spawn: Champion of ST Jan 19, 09:13
  - precisely because of that. - znufrii Jan 19, 09:12
- yup, easy exit. nm -- nm - groiny Jan 19, 09:10

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boston.com Love Letters: I have a pen pal.

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