boston.com Love Letters response to Left Home Worrying:
Posted by
Diva (aka Diva)
Feb 12 '10, 07:06
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LHW, how do you know what she does when she's out with her friends? How do you know about this male attention? Does she tell you? Is she bragging? Or are you making assumptions?
If you're hearing this from her, I would be a little concerned. Why is she trying to make you uncomfortable?
If you're hearing this from her friends or seeing it in person, well, again, I'd be concerned. I�m not sure what she's trying to do.
If you've jumped to conclusions based on tiny bits of information and assumptions, cut it out. This woman isn't your ex. Does she treat you well otherwise? Is she always the life of the party? Is she real with you?
I'm all for nights out, dancing, and attention. I think it's important to be able to go out and have fun even if you're in a committed relationship. But I'm not for flirting so much that you upset a partner. If that's what she�s doing, you have to talk to her about it, before you take the next step. You don't want to wind up living with the life of the party and resenting every minute of it.
If this is in your head, start figuring out why you have trust issues with this woman. Consider some therapy. You're making a lot of big moves with some weird feelings in your gut. Address these issues before you buy houses and walk down the aisle. Make sure that the woman you "always dreamed of" when you were younger is the woman you desire as a grownup.
Readers? Thoughts on male attention in clubs? Does it matter if she's the life of the party? Share here. And see you tonight.
� Meredith
I miss him
Link|Comments (850) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 11, 2010 07:19 AM
The first few dozen people who show up to tomorrow night's pre-party will get a free bag of stuff from Boston.com. You gotta love free bags of stuff.
Q: Dear Meredith,
First of all I just want to say I really wish I could be at the party on Friday because I would love to meet the LL community (and it�s also a city I love)! Hope you all have a lot of fun!
I'll get straight to the heart of the matter. "Alex" and I have been really good friends for over two years now. We met while in graduate school.
We got really close when we both spent the summer of 2008 in DC. We did a lot of stuff together at the beginning of the summer and hung out every weekend. Later in the summer, he got with his old college friend but didn't tell me until the summer was over. After that summer I was a little hurt that he ditched me, but other things occupied my time and mind that following school year so I ignored it.
We were still close friends and it bothered me when he would talk about problems he would have with his girlfriend, but I listened and gave him advice. They broke it off January of last year and by that time I was really busy finishing up school and discovering my new love (Boston). I would say that Alex was my closest friend from school and we went on a lot of trips exploring MA together, but we were still just friends, though sometimes I wished we were more.
Fast forward to June, when I had finished school and was looking for jobs. I was over at Alex's place and out of nowhere he told me how he felt about me. I had feelings too and before I could think about it, I just told him how I felt and we started dating. We had a discussion about how it would be temporary since we didn't know how long I would still be in the city.
Neither of us are casual daters but I figured we might as well. I should've seen this coming but I didn't. I got a job across the country and I moved in October. Our relationship was going great except that I had moved so far away and we decided a long distance thing wouldn't work.
The problem is I miss him. It's been over 4 months and I miss him like crazy. We used to talk every week but it has usually been him calling me about a bad day. I don't like calling him because I know every time I hang up I start crying. My question is, should I stop being his friend because it hurts so much to even talk to him? Or is it unfair that I can't be mature enough to still be friends. We were really close before we got together. Is it possible to ever go back to that? Is there really any nice way to ignore someone or tell them you just can't be their friend anymore? I don't think we can get together because he'll be going overseas for a job soon and I'm not so sure he has the same strong feelings for me. I just can't be his friend anymore. It's hard because we were such good friends and it seems like the summer ruined it all.
� Just Can't Be Friends, CA
A: JCBF,
Thanks for the party wishes. We'll be thinking of you on Friday.
As for your problem, I'm not convinced that you're missing this guy like crazy for the reasons you think you are. Are you sure that this isn't about adjusting to a new place and missing Boston and grad school like crazy? You just made a big move. It's natural that you'd want to cling to what's familiar, including your best-friend-turned-almost-boyfriend. Consider that missing him means missing everything.
The friend thing is a real problem. Give yourself a break because it's not about maturity. You became romantic partners. It's impossible to go back to what you were. You need some space, and that's OK. Just explain to him that it has been too hard to let go and that you need a push. Even if he didn't feel as strongly about the summer, he should understand. You don't have to cut him off forever. You just need some time.
You broke up because of distance. That's the only reason. It's understandable that you can�t see him as just a friend. In reality, he�s more than that. He�s a friend with potential.
Also remember that it's easy to have a perfect summer love. But you're looking for something that can last all year. He's going overseas. He can't be more than a pen pal. Start getting to know your new home. Find some new friends who aren't going anywhere.
Readers? Should she cut him off? Can you go back to being friends? Is there potential for the future? Is this about missing him or missing everything? Share.
� Meredith
I had a child with someone else
Link|Comments (700) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 10, 2010 09:21 AM
Chat.
And now ... letter:
Q: Dear Meredith,
Like all your other writers, I'm a big fan and read your column religiously. I could write forever about this so I'll try to keep it minimal in length and detail. Here's: my situation:
I'm a 29-yr-old single mom who met the love of my life when I was 21. We dated just about 4.5 years. It was a great relationship -- the sex, passion, love, and all of the emotions. He was and still is my best friend.
Anyway, I chose to break things off because I felt as though I was young and needed to see what else was out there. I was able to date, but never truly moved on. We would continue to see and sleep with each other on frequent occasions. It was emotionally bad for both of us, as we were still deeply in love with each other.
I finally started dating someone (who I had known most my life) seriously enough to separate myself from my ex. Although I was in a relationship, I still constantly thought of my ex, and even after two years was still unable to tell new guy I loved him.
Well, surprises happen and I ended up pregnant and having a baby with new guy. I had to tell my ex in fear he would hear it elsewhere. He was heartbroken and said it was his biggest nightmare come true and that I had taken away what he wanted for us, a family.
Things with baby�s daddy didn't go well, as the relationship in general was never that great, so we broke up. Dating new guy did make me realize that the grass is not always greener and I want my ex, the love of my life, back.
In my eyes I do not deserve him, as I've put him through a lot of hurt. He tells me he still loves me and wants to be with me but "just can't." His feelings are too hurt, he wants to get past it and move on, but feels as though I�ve cheated on him because he always still thought of me as his girl even when we weren't together.
I can't talk about my son around him because I don't want to upset him when I feel things are going good. We've tried MANY times to end things, go separate ways, leave each other's lives, but we always seem to end up trying again and again and again.
So here we are today, I think trying again, but I'm too scared to bring it up in fear of the "I can't" answer. We are currently seeing each other maybe one-to-two times a week, which he says are appointments (a dig towards me) So my question is, do I continue on with this maybe relationship? With a guy I'm deeply in love with but may never get over me having a child with someone else? Or do I give up now and end up with out him and not know if there is a chance?
� Scared to lose him, South Shore
A: STLH, your letter reminds me of "Great Expectations." Stay with me here.
Estella abuses Pip, drops him, procreates with someone else, and winds up alone. But (spoiler!) the book ends with Pip and Estella finding each other ... and there's this feeling of love and forgiveness � and yes, it's just a book, but it's a good one.
You�ve done nothing wrong here. Not really. You were bad to your Pip back in the day, but he participated. You were both young. That part of your life is over now.
He's angry that you left him and had a child with some other guy, and that's understandable. But he's not allowed to punish you, not anymore. It's his turn to grow up. He had a vision of how it was going to look (you with his baby, not somebody else's), but guess what -- visions are just visions. He can accept and love the real you (and that means accepting and loving your kid), or he can leave you alone and move on.
You want your Pip. You love him. Your Pip can either love you back and be honored that your self-exploration led you back to him, or he can bail. He has to make a choice and stick with it. No more belittling you with "appointments."
From what I remember, the original end of "Great Expectations" did not reunite Pip and Estella. But Dickens was smart enough to know that his readers would want a happier ending, so he did a re-write. We want Pip and Estella to wind up together even though Estella was a villain during much of the novel. We want Pip to be able to get over it, forgive Estella, and love her. The question is, which ending does your Pip want?
Tell him that you're in love with him and that you want to be with him for all the right reasons (assuming that's true). Tell him that you're done with apologizing for your past. Tell him that if he really just "can't," it's his loss and he needs to go away. It's time for you to live your life in the present. You owe that to yourself and to your child.
Readers? I haven't read "Great Expectations" in seven years or so, so please correct me if I'm wrong about anything. And ... is this reader to be blamed for her past? Is her Pip out of line? Should she stick around and take it? Did I just write some 15-year-old's book report? Share.
� Meredith
What goes around comes around
Link|Comments (0) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 9, 2010 09:05 PM
Sometimes. Sometimes not. Let's chat.
Is he the whole enchilada?
Link|Comments (673) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 9, 2010 09:20 AM
FAQs for Friday.
Letter:
Q: Meredith,
I am a pretty regular reader of Love Letters, probably because I believe strongly in love, would love to find it and love that I'm not the only one.
Ok, to my current issue: I am 28 years old. I am very successful at work, have an amazing family and friends, I've got a great face, an average body, a fantastic personality and a ton of life. I was overweight growing up and as a result was every guy�s best friend. I've lost that weight and have been on the dating scene for the last few years trying to make it work. A bit more background... I am 100% against settling and have this vision of the real, great and big love; therefore I've dated plenty of guys five to six times and realized they just weren't setting my world on fire and dropped it. This might be part of my problem.
In the summer I met this guy. Our first date last five hours and we never looked back. I immediately was connected to him and our conversations were deep, interesting, funny, and real. He became the most important person in my life, quickly. He is inherently a selfish individual and leads a pretty secluded life (entrepreneur, works from home, family lives out of state), however, he let me in 100 percent. There was a ton of passion, a ton of arguments, a lot of tears, and a lot of learning about how to succeed (and fail) in a relationship. We ended up parting ways in November, mostly because he retreated into his shell after one particular argument and made a decision to not come out. I had also had enough and KNEW I deserved to be treated much better. We haven't talked for a few months, much to the joy of my friends, and I have been attempting to move on. I've had another two runs at the five-six date guys who have all been really nice. Much nicer than summer boy, however for some reason, none even compare. We recently started e-mailing again and have been discussing a possible dinner get together.
SO to my question... Am I just clinging to summer boy because he is the first guy who has been able to keep up with me, challenge me and inspire me... or am I clinging to him because he is the only one I've ever loved? Do I take the string of five-six'ers as a sign that he was more than that or as a sign that I'm looking for the wrong thing? Is it possible to try again and have it be different? I don't know if I should even open Pandora's box and go to dinner or just walk away completely...
� Wanting the Whole Enchilada, Boston
A: WTWE, I'm happy you told me about the weight stuff because I feel like it plays into this.
You spent a long time feeling bad about your personal appearance. You believed you couldn't get what you wanted from romance.
And then suddenly you could. You had new super powers. You could date guys who wouldn't have noticed you before. Until you met someone who was into you -- but couldn't commit. He was mostly spark, some substance, and a whole lot of drama.
Your inability to drop this man is about control. You want to turn this guy -- a man who clearly wants no part of a healthy relationship -- into someone who magically possesses the qualities that those five-six date guys already have.
This man let you in 100 percent? Good for him. He also bailed. That's all that matters to me. What good is seeing the insides of the enchilada if you can't eat it?
We all define love differently, but I'd like to think that "great and big love" has something to do with emotional dependability and the desire to care for someone even after things get boring. Your interest in this man is about trying to cage a free bird. Can someone sing WTWE the end of "Free Bird," please?
I don't think you should go to the dinner. But that's easy for me to say because the enchilada isn't being waved in front of my face. If you do go, don't be passive. Tell him what ticked you off, disclose all of your wants and needs, and then see how he responds. I'm hoping for the best, but my guess is that if you're honest with him about what you require to be happy, he's going to sink right back into that taco shell of his.
"He is inherently a selfish individual." Man, that's going to look sweet on an online dating profile.
Readers? Should she give this man another shot? Is this really about love? Is she giving the five-six date guys a real chance? Share.
� Meredith
Dating the unreliable
Link|Comments (501) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 8, 2010 09:39 AM
Hello.
First, I've put together some FAQ�s about Friday�s Love Letters event. If you have any other questions, let me know.
Second, the Globe is running a contest for recently engaged couples, and I'm judging. You can find information here.
Third, a letter:
Q: Meredith, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this column. You are your readers are the absolute best!!!
Here's my drama:
I have been dating a man for three months. He's generally a great guy but he has one problem -- he is NOT very reliable. At first it was little things like being an hour late for a date so we'd miss a movie or 'forgetting' that one of his kids had to be somewhere and rescheduling our date for the next day. Last night, however, was the kicker. He called me to cancel 45 minutes AFTER he was supposed to get here. Needless to say I felt like a total fool after sitting on my couch all dolled up only to be completely and totally stood up. His only excuse was "I'm just really tired." That would have been a lame excused 1 hour BEFORE the date was supposed to happen. It is a downright horrible excuse 45 minutes AFTER he was supposed to be here. After this incident I told him that we needed to take a break during which time he needed to determine whether he really wanted to be in a relationship with me or not. He seemed genuinely shocked and upset about this. However, my gut is telling me that he can't really be that into me or he would not treat me that way. I have NEVER been treated that way and deserve better. So, what do you think? Am I over-reacting? Is it possible that this guy just operates at a slower speed and I should just get used to it -- or is he not really into me as I suspect? As always, I appreciate the thoughts of you and your faithful readers.
� Dude Not Reliable, Boston
A: DNR, here's what I have to say about this relationship: do not resuscitate (sorry, you threw me that softball).
Wanna know why I think you should drop this man? Because when I looked for your e-mail address to let you know that I'd be running your letter, I noticed that you had e-mailed me twice before about the same issues -- once in December and again in January. I didn't get the chance to run those letters, but my thought is, if you were miserable enough to write to me on three separate occasions about the same issue, it's time to admit that nothing has changed.
I'm not sure that this is about him not being into you. It seems to me that this is about his inability to deal with his life. Balancing a new relationship and kids isn�t easy. I�m sure this guy is being pulled in many directions. But he's a grown-up and he should be better at this. He should be able to honor his family's needs and his own health without making you wait on a couch for 45 minutes.
If you want to be someone's priority, this isn't the relationship for you. If this is just about your insecurity about his feelings for you -- and you could live with his flakiness if you knew he really cared for you -- you might want to talk to him some more about his motives.
But really, this is the beginning of the relationship, the time that's supposed to be mostly kisses, bubbles, and butterflies. If you've spent most of the three months thinking, "dude not reliable," I give you permission to go look for another dude. I�m not sure this man�s intentions are evil, but I am sure he isn't meeting your expectations. And your expectations don't sound crazy to me.
Readers? Should she give him a break because of his kids? Is this about him not being into her? Is she justified in her all-caps anger? Share.
� Meredith
Friday is the Love Letters party
Link|Comments (49) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 7, 2010 05:21 PM
Q: What exactly is Friday's Love Letters event? What's happening?
A: There are two events, actually. There will be a party at Noir at the Charles Hotel from 8 to 10 p.m. It will include some free appetizers (grilled cheese, methinks) and a cash bar. Part 2 is at 10:30 p.m. at Oberon, where I'll be taking part in a show called Mortified. Love Letters readers with tickets will sit together.
Q: Can I still get tickets to the Mortified show?
A: No. Sadly, it's sold out. But the pre-party is the social event, and it's free and open to all. No tickets required.
Q: Do I have to tell people at the party who I am? If I'm someone who comments on the blog, do I have to disclose my Boston.com identity to other partygoers?
A: Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you're Rico and you want to tell the world, go for it. If you're Rico and you want to keep that a secret, that's fine, too.
Q: I don't comment on Love Letters. I just read it. Is this event just for the people who comment?
A: No way. We get about 30,000 to 40,000 page views on a 300-comment day. That means most of you don't comment. This event is for regular readers. That means you.
Q: Will there be entertainment at the pre-party?
A: Of course. Glenn Yoder, assistant to the regional manager of Love Letters, has agreed to play a few songs at the pre-party with his band. They're quite good. And Glenn is very excited to meet you.
Q: I'm not single. Can I come to the party?
A: Of course. Bring your significant other.
Q: What are you going to wear?
A: I don't know yet, which is sort of stressing me out. Not elastic pants, I promise.
Q: Can I wear elastic pants?
A: I would never stop anyone from wearing elastic pants.
Q: I'm a straight guy who's too cool to go to this type of thing. Any reason I should let my guard down and show up?
A: Not to sound shallow, but every straight, single woman I've met who reads Love Letters is quite pretty. That's not really important, of course, but it's just something worth mentioning. It's a hot bunch, and a social bunch. Just so you know.
Q: I'm gay. Should I attend the Love Letters party?
A: Yes. Not all of our readers are too-cool straight guys and good-looking heterosexual women. We even welcome lesbians who live in Angola.
Q: Some of the readers seem a bit � well � aggressive � when they comment online. How will they behave in person?
A: Everyone will follow the golden rule. Everyone will behave. Everyone will be awesome.
Q: Where's Noir?
A: Here.
Q: I might have two cocktails. How can I avoid driving home?
A: The Charles Hotel is offering a $199 room rate (a good deal less than the usual rate) for readers. Just enter the code "love2010" here.
I think that's all. See you Friday.
No dates until Boston?
Link|Comments (586) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 5, 2010 07:00 AM
I went to the Charles Hotel last night to talk to the people at Noir about next Friday's party. 8 to 10 p.m. Feb. 12. I'm excited. Are you?
Today's letter is about geography.
Q: Dear Meredith,
First off, I am new to reading your column. I love it and now check it on a daily basis. It is nice to read a column where I actually agree on the responses and suggestions.
A little background on me -- I am originally from Mass., went to school in Boston, moved out to California for a while, and now live in Manhattan. While I have been moving around and enjoying my adventures, I have always known I want to end up back in Boston. It is home, my friends and family are there, and I love it. Now that I have been in New York for almost three years, I realize that my next step will be to go back home. However, I got a new job that I love in September, so I know that it won't be for another year or two.
My question is this: What do I do about dating in the meantime? I am 27 and single. It has been a while since I met someone I really like. It is not that I am not active -- I play sports, volunteer, am on the committee for a great nonprofit, am on eharmony, etc. My friends tell me I am limiting myself because I know I want to go back to Boston and want to only date someone who shares that desire. But I wonder if it is worth it to date someone here, knowing it will probably end when I move. I feel like I am at the point in my life where I want to only date someone that has potential to be a lifelong partner. I don't size up every guy I meet as a potential husband, but guys who never want to leave New York (or are huge Yankees fans), don't seem worth it. I wouldn't even be opposed to dating someone who is currently in Boston. I am very happy with my life and feel like the only piece that is missing is sharing it with someone special.
I keep getting told that I am young and I should just have fun. I have had all the random dates and crazy relationships and feel like that is out of my system. So fun to me now means getting excited about a guy I actually like. What would you do in my situation? Am I just being impatient?
� Sox Fan in New York
A: SFINY, you're not being impatient. And you don't have to "just have fun." Sometimes people who tell single people to "just have fun" don�t realize that just having fun is often not very fun at all.
My advice is to date in New York whenever it's an option. It's not easy to find someone you adore. If you happen to meet someone great down in NYC, play it out. I know a number of New Yorkers who relocated to Boston. I know a number of Sox fans who fell so in love in New York (with a person or a job) that they no longer wanted to come home.
The people who tell you you're young are right. And being young means staying flexible. Don�t rule anybody out. Don�t assume that a New Yorker wants to be a New Yorker forever. Just keep looking.
And consider that maybe this whole I-can't-date-seriously-in-New-York thing might be a defense mechanism, a way of controlling something that�s out of reach. I'm not sure that's what you're doing, but it's something to think about.
Readers? Should she wait until she moves to Boston to date? Can she say for sure where she'll want to live? Should she be looking for love in NY? Share.
� Meredith
Which one of us should move?
Link|Comments (528) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 4, 2010 09:40 AM
I promised you a light letter today. We need it after yesterday.
If you're bored and want to read yesterday's chat transcript, it's an amusing one. There was lots of talk about the origin of the word "spinster."
Q: My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, and I'm cautiously optimistic that we will be engaged at some point this year.
We live a little more than an hour from each other, which can make it a little tough at times, particularly since he has partial custody of his young child. On nights when he doesn't have his child, he can stay at my house and commute to work, but my job is in the opposite direction, so there's no way I can commute from his house (100+ miles easy). But I spend most weekends at his place.
The problem is that we have talked about him moving in with me in the next few months, which I'm sure will make it more difficult to see his child during the week. I have a great relationship with his child, so I'm happy to spend the weekends together, all three of us. But it's sometimes hard on me now not to see his child, can't imagine what it's like for my bf not to see the kiddo during the week.
In the past month or two, the bf and kiddo have both made comments suggesting I look for a job up their way. I should also add that my family and friends live in the same area as my bf, so living up there would not only put us closer to his child, making custody arrangements easier, but it would put me closer to my friends and family. I really don't have many friends in the area I live now, I pretty much just sleep there.
On a personal level it's a no-brainer -- move to the area where his child lives. It's a nice town, my own family and friends would be closer, we could have a better custody arrangement etc.
Here's my dilemma: I have a GREAT job. I love it, make good money, fantastic benefits and feel very fortunate. I've compared the two job markets and I'm afraid I would not be able to find a comparable job -- not one I would enjoy as much, or with similar salary and benefits. And since I would be the breadwinner of the family, I don't feel I can really take a pay cut.
I'd also like to point out that I'd be happy to petition for custody of his child -- GREAT kid who I adore, we have a great relationship. And the mom seems more interested in the child support than in the child. But I hate the idea of uprooting an elementary school kid -- especially when it takes the child away from friends, school, cousins, my family and friends -- all because I have a great job that I don't want to leave. But then I think the financially responsible thing to do is to stick with the great job.
Maybe eventually I'd find something comparable up there, but in the meantime that could make for a really long compromise.
I tell myself that family comes first ... but what good is being closer to family if you're a ridiculous stress ball because you have a crap job and can't pay the bills or provide for your family, especially if you left a great job to make the move?
� Right Job, Wrong State
A: When I first noticed this letter, RJWS, my instinct was to send you over to our Moms site. It seemed like a kid question, not a relationship question.
But this is a relationship question. Probably more than you're admitting at the moment. You're basically asking whether you have to sacrifice something you love to maintain your partner's quality of life. My answer is: yes. And that's a big deal.
We both know the moving option is the right one. Challenging a mother's custody because you love your job is a very, very bad idea. Your goal should be to put the least amount of stress on your romantic relationship as possible. Custody issues cause major stress. And like you said, moving a kid around isn't easy. You need to protect your relationship from the type of bad feelings that might destroy it.
Of course, resentment is a major bad feeling. Resentment can ruin a relationship. And that's why my advice is for you to stay at your job for as long as possible until you find the best possible position near your boyfriend's family. The stress of commuting is easier to manage than the stress of ditching a great job for a 9-to-5 you hate.
One thing that's missing from your letter is your perception of your boyfriend's feelings. You seem to imply that he's open to all options, almost passively. It sounds like you need to discuss how every possible outcome would make both of you feel. If you do wind up moving to his state, he should be prepared to help you adjust -- not just to a new home but to a new identity. You'll be a step-mother with a new job, someone who moved to accommodate your partner's needs. Sometimes we get so bogged down in logistics that we forget to process how that kind of change makes us feel. Take time for that. Otherwise, it will all hit you at once (and cause your great relationship some serious misery).
Readers? Should she move? Should he move? Will resentment about the loss of her job ruin what's great about their relationship? In this economy, should her job be the priority? How does it feel to give up something great for someone you love? Share.
� Meredith
Love in the time of cancer
Link|Comments (567) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 3, 2010 08:35 AM
We chat at 1 p.m. today -- which is a good thing. This letter deserves some conversation.
Q: I am twenty-nine-years old. And I have cancer. Rumor is there's no such thing as a good cancer to have. But if there were, this one wouldn't be it. Apparently it's not new, but my knowledge of it is. My doctor found out three days ago, he told me two days ago, and with me it has stayed since.
Yes, I need to seek comfort in my family, with whom I�m close. And yes, I need to seek support from friends, of which I've many. But few things feel more awkward than pity. Further, I'm convinced they'll all take it harder than I and, as one might guess, I�m really not in the best place to be offering up emotional support right now. And yes, I realize my current attitude reveals me as not having dealt with my feelings, and I need to seek some counseling. Right. Points noted. But I have more pressing issues.
I have a date this weekend. It�s a fourth date. And she�s pretty stinkin� cool.
O! meaningless relationships, I�ve had my fill of you. I filled right up on you all through my early/mid twenties, so that when I got to these years I could move into the good ones without thinking I�d missed out on you. And now, after several middling relationships, I�ve got myself a good one � a butterfly-flittering, toe-tingling, head-dizzying good one.
A good one who deserves to know I won�t be very good beyond another few years at best. At this age, good ones at some point start thinking about futures. I don�t have one.
So the end questions, I suppose, are these: At what point do I need to lay this out there? Whereas I�m hoping to find someone looking for a life partner, but know my payout on that lifetime thing isn�t going to be overly robust, do I need to seek a three-year partner? I�m pretty sure most folks my age don�t seek out three-year relationships, but rather end up with them when either (a) the lifetime thing fails, or (b) the meaningless month-to-month with option to renew overruns its course. Knowing I�m a pretty sure thing for the former, am I stuck with the latter from here on out?
� Seeking Balanced Meal, Stuck with Grilled Cheese?, Somerville
A: SBMSWGC, this one is a kick to the gut. You're sick. You're a fantastic writer. You're thoughtful about what you want and why. Your butterfly-flittering, toe-tingling lady is a lucky one. I wish you had the same luck.
Here's the weird thing about love and life -- we never know what's what. It�s all a gamble. I mean, I�m not a doctor (I don't even play one on the internet), but I do know that your future is up in the air, as is hers. You have a rough few years ahead of you, but that's all you know. Can we let everything about your future be a question mark? Can we let her place in your life be a question mark?
Tell your family and friends and then tell her everything. You have to. Perhaps she'll run in the other direction -- and that would be fair -- but there's a chance she'll want to be a part of this process (or go on a few more dates). Either way, she deserves to know. You won't be able to move ahead with her without coming clean.
If she leaves, well, I'm sorry. That would stink because it sounds like she's a great distraction and good company. But if she does stick around, be careful. Illness makes everything a big deal even when it isn't. Every conversation is important. Every kiss is passion. Every grilled cheese is a delicacy. It�s not necessarily a bad thing -- in fact, it's sort of awesome -- but it�s something to watch as you make choices about your future.
I hope you get better. And I hope she decides to go along for the ride for as long as you like each other. But if she bails, don�t take love out of your life. Keep looking. Fight your illness and search for companionship at the same time. Keep living. That's the point, right?
Readers? Would you want to know about his sickness? Can he develop a solid relationship while he's dealing with these health issues? Should she stick around? Share.
� Meredith
I think I love you
Link|Comments (1) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 2, 2010 11:49 PM
so what am I so afraid of?
Chat with me at 1.
Too early for the talk?
Link|Comments (545) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 2, 2010 09:41 AM
Sorry I'm late. Just got back from Maryland. I heard there were some technical problems with the blog yesterday. I think they've been fixed.
Some practical matters:
1. The Charles Hotel is offering a special room rate for Love Letters readers for Feb. 12. Most of you live here, but some of you may be coming from other places ... or maybe you want to book a room with friends ... whatever you want. You do not need tickets to Mortified to take advantage of the room rate. Anyone who plans to show up for the pre-party from 8 to 10 p.m. at Noir is welcome to book it. The pre-party is open to all -- no tickets required. The room rate is $199, which is quite a savings at the Charles on a weekend night. To reserve, click here and enter the code "love2010."
2. In other news, the Charles also has a contest going where couples can enter to win a free romance package. To enter, send a cute story about how you met to [email protected].
And now for the letter ...
Q: Meredith and LL Readers,
Thanks for your column and all the daily responses! They get me through the boring parts of my day.
My question: I'm a 36-year-old woman dating a guy who is the same age. I met him three months ago and things were truly wonderful for the first month. He called me regularly, we had amazing dates (that he planned), we stayed up talking until the wee hours of the night. He told me how lucky he was that he met me and I felt the same way about him. All was good in my world.
Fast forward to a month into the relationship when things suddenly cooled off a little. He was -- and still is -- incredibly kind and fun to be around, but the nice compliments have dropped off entirely. We see each other once or maybe twice per week and he doesn't seem to want more than that.
I am 36 and am looking to find "the one" (he knows this). I want to see more of him but am afraid if I tell him that, I will scare him off. It feels as though he entered the relationship with an open heart but has since put a guard up around himself.
I know a little bit about his dating history and think it has suddenly entered into our relationship and become a barrier for us. He was in a serious relationship for two years and ended it nine months ago because she wanted to get married and he wasn't there yet. He says he still cares about her and sometimes wonders whether he made the right decision by ending it. He said he doesn't think they'll ever get back together, but he wanted to be honest in telling me he still cares for her. I understand this and think it would be more of an issue for me if he didn't care about someone who was such an important part of his life for a significant period of time.
I guess I just am confused about his feelings for her and how they affect his feelings for me. I'm looking for the person I will spend my life with and I truly believe he could be that person. We have a ton of things in common, we always have a great time together, we share values and are intellectually compatible. There's lots of grilled cheese (which he claims is the best ever made for him) and we have wonderful, caring, mutually-enjoyable pajama parties whenever we see each other. I don't want to do anything to push him away but I also don't want to waste my time waiting for him to open his heart back up to me. I don't believe we can meet our amazing potential unless or until he does that.
Should I say something to him? Or should I wait a little longer and let him have some space to work through his past?
� Afraid of falling, Somerville
A: AOF, some readers may disagree, but I kind of think you should be dating other people. Not because this guy is a definite "no," but because he isn't looking to be a definite "yes." At the very least, you should ask the question you want to ask ... "Is this going anywhere?"
He has told you that the only reason he broke up with his ex is because he didn't want to get married. But that's what you want, too. She's not gone. Not in his head, at least.
I'm not worried about the compliments going away. That happens. I am concerned that you want a lot more than he wants to give. Yes, it has only been three months (and some readers will tell you to give it more time before freaking out), but I think you can politely ask him where your head should be with all of this. He has already been pretty forthcoming, which is great. I think he'll tell you the truth. If he seems wishy-washy, I give you permission to keep dating him ... but to spend some time doing some fishing elsewhere.
Readers? Is three months too early for the talk? Is he basically telling her he wants to get back with his ex? Is she wasting her time? Do compliments go away after a few weeks? Share.
� Meredith
How could I be so heartless?
Link|Comments (544) Posted by Meredith Goldstein February 1, 2010 07:39 AM
She's a cold-hearted snake � look into her eyes.
Q: Meredith-
Play Madonna�s song "Open Your Heart" for me, because it's something I don't know how to do. I've never been in love. I'm in my 20s and I know I have awhile to find "the one" (if that even exists) but I tend to push away perfectly decent guys for ones who are no good. People who know me say I have ice running through my veins. I instantly get turned off when potential suitors give me attention, like if they send me a text in the morning "hope you have a good day!" or try to hold my hand. I've dated guys in the past who were not good for me but I liked it when they gave me attention. I don't know if I really have a heart full of coal or I just don�t like the guys I've been finding. I find this getting in the way of me settling down and finding the right guys. How do I stop being so heartless?
� Ice Queen, Boston
Not surprisingly, I asked Ice Queen to expand on that. (Like, how cold are we talking? How nice/mean are these guys? And do you really want to change?) Her response:
I've met nice guys who I guess you could say court me, i.e. dinner, movies, etc., but I chase after the bad/mean guys who will string me along. On some occasions, the guys I really like start off as a hook up (that may be my problem!!) but I end up dating them. And I get annoyed with the nice guys when they text or call me almost every day. I call them stage five clingers while my friends say they are trying to be nice or show interest. I am an independent person who likes to live my own life.
I know how some of the readers can be mean, so I'd like to point out that I was loved as a child, had a normal childhood, and have no father issues.
� IQ
A: IQ, no daddy issues, eh? Good to know.
My advice is to continue this horrible pattern. Do it up. Date a bunch of mean guys who string you along and dump you. Ignore the nice guys who want to take you to dinner.
Why do this? Because you want to. And because at some point, you will get sick of it. It will get boring. You'll get sick of yourself. You'll get sick of these guys. You're just not there yet. Your friends are right to question your choices, but your gut is in control. Your gut wants the chase. You have to play out the cycle.
But here's some additional advice: please get to know some of these too-nice guys as friends. And not just the ones who want to date you � some other guys, too. Get some male friends in your life so you can learn what it feels like to develop some emotional intimacy with the opposite sex. I have this weird feeling that if you really get to know a bunch of guys, one of them will start to appeal to you, probably against your will. You'll start to care for him romantically, whether he's nice or not. And he won't be so easy to give up because he'll already be a part of your life. It will be about closeness as opposed to the game.
But in the meantime, continue on. That's what Madonna did, despite that song. (Wasn't "Where's the Party" and "La Isla Bonita" on that same album?) And please, make sure these guys are good-looking. If you�re going to date jerks, they should at least be very, very hot.
Readers? Am I wrong? Can she change her evil ways? Does she want to? Will she get sick of her own behavior? Help here.
� Meredith
Updates and more updates
Link|Comments (457) Posted by Meredith Goldstein January 29, 2010 08:09 AM
Yesterday�s letter writer sent me a note at the end of the day. I added it to yesterday�s comments, so take a look if you�re interested.
As for today � how about some updates? I�ve got three, and they�re all pretty interesting. It's a lot to read, so take your time.
The first is a sweet one from a letter writer whose question ran a year ago today. Weird.
Here�s the original letter.
And this is the update:
Hi Meredith,
I thought I'd give you and update on my situation. I'm still with my boyfriend and we're doing quite well. He's nearly done with his dissertation and so most likely we'll make a decision about our future life together soon.
Thanks to all for their advice. I had a good laugh over some of it and others provoked some good thinking on my part. Considering all that's happening in the world it's a lovely thing to be loved for which I'm grateful.
Thank you again!
-- CA Cougar
Nice to hear. This next one is less nice. Remember the guy whose girlfriend had put on some pounds? And Janeane Garofalo weighed in on the issue? This was the letter.
Here�s the update:
It turns out that the weight thing, while somewhat important, was simply the way that many other issues manifested themselves in my head. Our relationship had issues ranging from key differences in:
-- lifestyles, she likes waking up late on Saturday mornings and spending the day meandering around farmers' markets and art shows. While I enjoy those things as well, I prefer getting up early to do house repairs since it's the only time I have to do them. She didn't understand the responsibilities of owning a home.
-- Lack of compromise, I felt like I gave up a lot of my time to meet her meandering needs while I also felt like she didn't return the favor when things were important to me.
-- Lack of trust, she would do things like read my journal or constantly ask why I didn't get home from work until 9:00, when, in reality, that's how it was before we lived together she just didn't notice it as much.
-- Lack of support, she didn't support me at all. In fact, everything I ever did or tried to do was never good enough and usually resulted in negative feedback. If I bought her something it was usually returned because she didn't like it and it's not something she wanted. Nice ... I think this was the biggest problem from where I stand.
So, essentially, I don't think she liked me for who I am and what I'm about, and she took it out on me by being very negative and I in turn took that out on her by avoiding physical contact and blaming her rapid and extreme weight gain. I'm not a superficial guy. In the end, it turns out that we just weren't meant to be.
-- AmIAJerk
This last update is one big validation of our services. Here's the original letter. And the update:
Hi Meredith,
I have to admit, I was the letter writer who was frustrated with my younger boyfriend's somewhat immature behavior in early December. I'm writing to provide some feedback and thoughts on my Love Letters post. At the time of the posting I read all the comments/feedback which were generally split into:
1) Let him grow up and you will be happy together
2) Bail out now because he's too immature for what you want
Well at the time I read the comments I was pretty much settled on #1 as being most representative. I was comfortable with our relationship, I knew how much he had grown (communication/relationship-wise) since we started dating, and I just overall felt like I was going to give him the time and space to do his thing without being a nag. (For the record, I do have my own life. I have a very successful career, am working towards my masters�, and have a very active social life. I just needed to clear that up for all the readers.)
I felt that the people who were posting the #2 responses just didn't understand what I knew about him, and how strong our relationship was. One person actually said that we were in a "borderline relationship death spiral". We had several conversations since that time and overall we were on the same page about what the other persons concerns were and how we could evolve our communication.
Anyway, this past weekend I got blindsided by him breaking up with me. I'm actually pretty wrecked by this because it just seemed to come out of the blue, and as recently as the night before he was making plans to introduce me to his friends because they were "really excited" to meet me.
His reasoning was not clear and he pulled up excuses that pretty much invalidate all of what I thought was a really healthy relationship. There was no opportunity for a discussion or for me to participate in anyway except to take all the hurtful words and the now meaningless memories and go home.
For the past few days I've been struggling with trying to believe what's happened and the words that were said, and trying to figure out if the last 10 months were a complete fraud. Well today being the third day in a row with no appetite, I decided to venture back into the Love Letters archive to see what foresight advice I could use now in hindsight. I have to say that all those #2's were right. I kept thinking that I knew my relationship and this person, and that we were on the same page. The truth is (well I think it is) that he really just wants to "do his thing" and having a girlfriend who likes to spend the occasional Friday night on the couch doesn't fit with his super-social behavior. So I'm writing to concede to the #2 advice givers, you were right on. But fortunately I am able to read your advice now and actually pull some comfort from it, as bizarre as that may seem. I'm in no way "over it" but it helps.
So thank you to all. And for future letter writers, make sure to read all of the comments/feedback, even when you are CERTAIN that they aren't applicable. It's amazing what insight a bunch of strangers can give you.
Thanks.
- Part Time Babysitter
So sorry, Part Time Babysitter. I'm hope you continue to find comfort -- from us, from friends ... it will get better. Eventually.
Any thoughts for these letter writers? I�m in Maryland reading your comments with my mom, who says have a good weekend. Share.
� Meredith
Did he ever care?
Link|Comments (676) Posted by Meredith Goldstein January 28, 2010 08:11 AM
As I mentioned in the chat yesterday, I�m going to post some updates tomorrow.
Today is a classic break-up letter ... the pain of going from all to nothing.
Q: My relationship of two years ended two months ago, and while I still have my "miss him moments," the split was something I definitely needed. The end was tough as we realized that we weren't heading in the same direction in life and neither one of us was willing to consider a change of paths.
The breaking point involved an ultimatum from me and an unexpected answer from him-- he was out, he couldn't do it -- that was it.
I appreciated his honesty and saw the break up as an opportunity for me to work on myself, my career, and move towards finding a relationship that was right for me. Deep down I had known for a long time that my ex and I wanted different things in life, though when we talked about the future (and we did, plenty of times), he told me that he had similar goals and dreams and that he wanted to be with me. I ended up feeling a little betrayed and wondering if he had been faking it with me the whole time we were together.
The problem now is this: I am an emotional person and was very attached to my ex. Our lives were intertwined and I still see him as a special person I care about, even though I know that a relationship won't work. He, on the other hand, acts like he never cared about me, or even knew me for that matter. The night we broke up, he told me he didn�t love me anymore and was ready to be in a relationship with someone else. He has taken these statements back to various degrees since, but his ability that night to be completely emotionless and detached disturbed me.
For the first month, we talked once a week, which was something we agreed on as reasonable since we wanted to remain friends. Two weeks ago he stopped answering my phone calls. The first time it happened, he called me back a few days later and immediately said we couldn't talk anymore. He felt like I was pressuring him. I was completely confused and explained to him that it was not my intention to pressure him, but if he didn't want to talk anymore, I understood. He apologized, said it was a misunderstanding and asked that I just give him some time to cool off. Still, I was confused (cool off from what?), but I obliged and said let's talk next week. He said OK.
The next week I call and leave a message, no response. A few days go by and I'm feeling ignored, but decide to let it go because I don't want to pressure him into doing something he's not comfortable with.
He finally calls back and is clearly upset talking a mile a minute -- he can�t talk to me anymore, it�s too much pressure, it�s not up for discussion, stop contacting him. I said OK.
This was only a week ago and we haven't talked since. I realize that all I can do now is give him space and I will, but it�s hard for me to understand where this hostility towards me is coming from.
I don't actually feel bad about not talking anymore; what feels bad is knowing that this person who I was so close with and shared so much with, would prefer to pretend I don�t exist anymore. I'm all for moving on (and am doing it, slowly), but I don't understand why he's acting so cold. When we were together we shared things with each other that no one else knew. He always had difficulty expressing himself and dealing with emotions, so part of me wonders if he is shutting down now to protect himself and prevent his feelings from bubbling up. Or was it really that easy for him to move on and forget "we" ever existed? How and why has he turned so cold? Was I wrong to believe that he actually loved me? And why is he so angry with me?
� Cold Shouldered and Confused, Boston
A: CSAC, it isn't easy to break up with someone you love, even if you're ready to move on, even if you want to date other people. The process usually involves making a case against your partner so that you feel more confident about your decision to leave. Your ex made a case -- and now he's trying to stick to the plan. Calls from you don't help.
But he did care for you -- and I�m sure he wasn't faking your relationship. If losing you wasn't a big deal, he wouldn't sound angry with you at all. His anger is evidence of his confusion, irritation, hurt, and guilt ... the normal stuff that comes after a break-up. He has every right to process those emotions on his own -- and so do you.
Give him space. Give yourself space. And be comforted by his cold behavior. Again, if this was no big deal, he'd be breezy. A phone call from you wouldn't matter so much. You obviously mattered quite a bit.
He's trying to set boundaries. He's not doing a great job of explaining them, but the boundaries are reasonable.
Try to lean on some other friends for support. You both have to go through this process with some independence so that you can really move on. Help him out so that he doesn't have to be so cold. He's just trying to make this break-up thing real. Because it is.
And hang in there.
Readers? Was he faking it? Is he just being cruel to be kind? Why does she want to talk to him? Share.
� Meredith
Love ...
Link|Comments (21) Posted by Meredith Goldstein January 27, 2010 10:51 AM
Ok. Now it might take a few more minutes than that. Sorry. CoverItLive tells me this has something to do with a new Apple product. Apparently, enough people are online chatting about it that something is frozen. Will keep you posted.
or something like it.
Let's chat.
He has puppy love
Link|Comments (734) Posted by Meredith Goldstein January 27, 2010 09:07 AM
We had some comment bashing yesterday. Please be nice to one another and try not to flag comments unless they're truly offensive. It makes too much work for our moderators. I'll quote the three "rules of the road," as explained by Patrick Swayze in the legendary bar-bouncer movie "Roadhouse": 1. Expect the unexpected. 2. Take it outside. 3. Be nice. I think those rules apply to Love Letters quite nicely.
Also, I noticed on Twitter that the Charles Hotel staff put out a note that said they're excited to serve us some grilled cheese on Feb. 12. How wonderful.
As you'll see, this letter's headline is pretty literal.
Q: About 6 years ago, I met a guy from Manhattan who was in Boston visiting his family. We stayed friends over the years, meeting up for dinner or a glass of wine whenever he was in town visiting his family. About a year and a half ago, we started dating.
He's 43 and I'm 32, neither one of us has been married before. The relationship went well for a few months and then he seemed to start to lose interest in me. He wouldn't call or text as much. He was still very cuddly, but we weren't having sex. The relationship ended 8 months later when I got upset that he took a female friend to a Knicks/Celtics game with his niece and nephew. He told me he invited about three people before he invited this girl. I wasn't one of the people he had tried to invite. I was upset. He stopped talking to me. And that was the end.
I had a difficult time with the breakup, partly because he had just stopped talking to me. Every now and then I would have a weak moment, and send him a text telling him I missed him. And then I'd beat myself up for the next day or two. Eventually, it got easier.
Until mid summer -- when he started emailing me photos of the puppy he was getting. I responded telling him I was happy for him but that it was difficult for me to see photos of the puppy because it was something we talked about when we were dating and because I wouldn't be a part of it now. He told me he wanted me to meet her and invited me down to NYC.
I visited him a few times in the fall. We never talked about our breakup. The weekend visits were good. Again, he was cuddly, but that was it.
This past weekend he came to Boston with his puppy, who is now 7 months old. His plan was to get to Boston for dinner on Friday but he wasn't able to leave NYC as planned. He arrived at his parents� house late Friday night. On Saturday, he came over to my place. We spent the day and night together. We went for a long run and stopped for food and drinks afterwards. Later that night we went out for dinner, had a bottle of wine and good conversation. He stayed over my place and the next morning and did more than cuddling for the first time in almost a year.
On Sunday, we spent the day at his parents' house. It was his brother's birthday so his brother's family was there and his mom made dinner and a cake.
When it was time to go to bed, he wanted us to sleep on the floor in the den so that the puppy could sleep with us. I refused to sleep on the floor and asked why we couldn't sleep upstairs in the guest bedroom like we have every other time I've stayed with him at his parents� house. He insisted we sleep in the den. Still I refused and slept on the couch, which was a love seat. I woke up 2 hours later wanting to stretch my legs. He told me to go upstairs and sleep in the guest room. I walked up to the guest bedroom, but thought if I was going to sleep by myself, I might as well sleep in my own bed. I went back downstairs and told him I was calling a cab.
He called me stubborn and wanted to know why I was fighting about this. My feeling was that he can sleep with his dog any night. He hadn't seen me in a month and was going to make me sleep on the floor???
I said goodbye when the cab came. He didn't say anything or get up from the den. I have no intentions of calling, texting, or apologizing. I'm sure I won't hear from him either.
Was I right or wrong to leave in the middle of the night? Should I have just given in and slept on the floor? Did I make too big of a deal over sleeping on the floor?
� Eyes Wide Open, Boston
A: EWO, I don't think you left in the middle of the night because he wanted you to sleep on the floor. I think you left because this man has a history of doing whatever he wants to do and making demands without consideration for your feelings. He disappeared after the fight about the basketball game, resurfaced with no warning because he got a dog, and then reestablished physical intimacy without explaining what had changed.
If the two of you really understood each other, you probably wouldn't have freaked out at his parents' house. You would have given him a little floor kick, crawled upstairs to the guest room, and made up with him in the morning. But you guys aren't a couple. You can't have a quick fight, talk about it, and then make up. Everything means more than it should.
I think the floor-puppy thing simply pushed you over the edge. Some readers will tell you to let this guy go -- and I'm with them. He hasn't earned much from you. But if you want to feel like you did all you could, you might let him know how confusing this has been for you. Explain that you freaked out at his parents' house because you realized how little control you had over anything. Feeling powerless is overwhelming, and he has demanded the power in this relationship from start to finish.
Funny about the dog. I like dogs. Who doesn't? But pets have less emotional demands than humans (obviously). They don't need answers. They go with the flow. Perhaps at 42, this guy has finally found himself the exact right mate.
Readers? Was this about the dog? Did she overreact? Let�s do this thing.
� Meredith
Never had a broken heart
Link|Comments (617) Posted by Meredith Goldstein January 26, 2010 09:37 AM
Yes, this one's another FOMO (fear of missing out) young-person letter. But I like it because, well, it's a problem, and also because it makes me feel bad for people who haven't had their hearts squashed. Seems like a necessary thing to experience. But you decide.
Q: I have a situation that I would like a little advice on; it�s a little different than what you normally get because I am not looking for love I have already found it. So what�s the problem you ask? I found the man of my dreams too early.
I have been dating my current boyfriend for four years. We meet in college when I was 19 and have been together ever since. I love my boyfriend, he is incredibly good to me and I love being around him. The problem is that I am now 23 and we are getting to the point where friends are starting to get married and we are starting to think about it. I wouldn�t hesitate to say yes if he did ask me because I know that I would be happy married to him but, there are still a lot of things that I feel I never got to experience because I have been dating my boyfriend for the majority of my adult life, and he is the only man I have ever dated. (Side note: getting married and having kids relatively young is a big dream of mine, and I can see myself having kids with my current boyfriend)
I feel like I missed out on being young and single. There are still a ton of things that I want to do, for example I want to live in a foreign country completely on my own. Also, I have never had a broken heart. People may say that I am crazy but I feel like that is an experience worth having. I am scared that if we stay together, I might resent the fact that I never got to experience being young and self-sufficient.
I do know that I could bring him along and experience these things with him but I don�t want to. I want to be able to say I can do it all by myself and truly find out who I am and what I need from life without thinking what do "we" need. Selfish yes, but doesn�t everyone deserve to be a little selfish?
So I guess my real question is this: Do I break it off with him and go travel and experience the world as a women on her own, with the hope that he will take me back when I return, or do I stay with the man I love and be thankful for what I have, not what I don't.
� Why Couldn't I Have Met Him Four Years Later, Boston
A: WCIHMHFYL, you can't have it both ways, but you already know that.
Some readers are going to express some irritation with this letter (it's a pretty happy one, after all), but I don't envy your situation. Ending a great relationship to experience life on your own is easier said than done. And you're right about the heartbreak thing. It's awful to get your heart broken, but most people wouldn't trade the experience. It informs who they are.
You're not going to get to experience everything. You can't be a young-and-married mother, travel the world, and live on your own for years -- unless you're Britney Spears, and she wound up in custody. The best you can do is to choose a mix of life experiences that appeal to you. Maybe you keep the boyfriend and take a few long trips on your own or with friends. Or maybe you drop the boyfriend -- because you're so young -- and accept the fact that you might not have kids within the next few years and that he might not take you back.
We all feel like we're missing out on something. The good news is that some of these experiences will happen no matter what. They're not all tied to being single. I know many people who have suffered from broken hearts within marriages --
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