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boston.com Love Letters: He refuses to drink

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Feb 16 '10, 08:21

I've been reading LL for a long time and never thought that I would be in the position to personally submit a letter, but here I am.

I have been dating a man, let�s call him "Dave," for two years now. We live together and things have been going great for the most part. Although, there's this one issue that I can't seem to get over. Dave doesn't drink alcohol. At all. Not even a beer here and there. And I'll answer the questions before they come: no, he is not a recovering alcoholic; no, he does not have a parent/relative who is an alcoholic; and no, he's never had a traumatic event involving alcohol. It's just a personal choice. He used to drink but stopped shortly after college.

For the record, I am 24 and he is 28. I like to go out every once and a while and drink, have fun, and be social. I see going out and drinking as a stress release (I'm talking once or twice a weekend), while Dave prefers to stay in, watch TV, relax, etc. That's all fine and good, I like to relax as much as the next person, but it can't be my only activity. He does not have these urges to be social and active. He also does not keep in touch with very many of his friends due to the alcohol situation. While they are respectful of his decision, it has definitely affected their ability to keep in touch (they know not to call him in situations where alcohol comes into play). And how often is that the case with a group of 28yr old males?!

Now my question is this: am I putting too much emphasis on this difference in interest, and is it important enough to end an otherwise perfect relationship? He's fine with me going out and drinking with friends, but will refuse to come along. I know it sounds petty, but this is someone that I could potentially marry. Do I really want to be the only person drinking/letting loose at dinner, on vacation, with a group of friends, forever?? I know that I am still young and that this urge to "party" will eventually subside, but I really think the urge to be social and have a good time will not. Readers, think about how different your lives would be if you could not go out and have a couple of drinks with your significant other.

I have let him know that this is becoming a problem and he asks why I am "trying to change him." I know he won't completely change but all I'm asking for is a little bit of effort on his part. All I want is a celebratory beer here and there and someone who is going to live life to the fullest whenever they can. Sitting on the couch watching TV is not what I call living. We'll have plenty of time to do that down the line, and I'm scared that if he's being this reclusive at 28, it's only going to get worse. Am I being shallow? Should I just get over it and accept him for who he is? Would I be better off with someone who is more spontaneous?

I would love to hear from any readers that may have been in a similar situation and how it turned out. Thank you for any advice you can offer!

� Destined to Drink Alone, Boston

Diva sez: Not taking a drink and refusing to go out and socialize are 2 entirely different things.

Responses:

Hmmm... - Ender Feb 16, 08:54
his issue isn't his non-drinking (that's his choice) the problem is he doesn't want to do anything. -- nm - Andie Feb 16, 08:39 1
- ftr, my SIL doesn't drink, just doesn't like it, my brother does. that's not an issue. they both go out, they are both social. she needs to get over - Andie Feb 16, 08:44
I need more info. Do they do any other things together? run? sports? physical activities? or does he always sit on the couch? - CQ Feb 16, 08:27
You have to respect his decision not to drink but he's been a dick by not joining her for social situations -- nm - oblique Feb 16, 08:26 2
- but the social situations she suggests seem to be all about drinking -- nm - Roger More Feb 16, 08:27 1
  - exactly. does she do anything else? -- nm - CQ Feb 16, 08:29
Not wanting to drink or even be around people who drink, which is just weird, sounds like an excuse to be a couch potato. -- nm - mara Feb 16, 08:26 18
- As a non-drinker, there's a big difference between being around someone drinking socially and someone getting drunk. - Fuzzy Feb 16, 08:28 17
  - given the age range involved, I'll wager that the social excursions he's passing on are more focused towards the latter. - znufrii Feb 16, 08:32
  - ayup. I would guess that the wekends drinking that this girl is talking about isnt a one or two drink social visit, its an all out drink fest. - tRuMaN Feb 16, 08:32 1
    - i think she is being shallow, if she feels that he has to drink with her to have a good time. -- nm - tRuMaN Feb 16, 08:34
  - and that's the difference. From what the letter writer says her bf wouldn't be out at the after-work social fx from the get go. -- nm - Diva Feb 16, 08:31 13
    - see, I think st is reading too much into this. that letter never says that outright - tRuMaN Feb 16, 08:33 6
      - "He's fine with me going out and drinking with friends, but will refuse to come along." His refuses to go out at all, sounds like. -- nm - JaxSean Feb 16, 08:39
      - and really, she's focused on the wrong thing. she actually wants him to drink, not just to come out and watch her drink. -- nm - TFox Feb 16, 08:35 4
        
        I think this is it. -- nm - loosilu Feb 16, 08:38
        
        *ding* and ftr truman - I took the part where she said he doesn't go out and sits on the couch as him not wanting to go out and be social. - Diva Feb 16, 08:37 1
        
        I'd like to know what he does do with his friends. Do they just don't invite him when they go out drinking, but do other stuff? -- nm - Roger More Feb 16, 08:39
        
        yup. she seems to think that their relationship is misisng him drinking. - tRuMaN Feb 16, 08:35
    - but that may be (and total speculation here) that he's avoided it so thoroughly since college that he doesn't know how different it is. - TFox Feb 16, 08:32 5
      - would never work. never. - tRuMaN Feb 16, 08:35 4
        
        how come? that seems odd to me. -- nm - TFox Feb 16, 08:36 3
        
        it just doesnt work. - tRuMaN Feb 16, 08:37
        
        "I'm bored with all these drunk people" "Why do you want to leave so soon? I'm still having fun!" *argument* -- nm - Roger More Feb 16, 08:37 1
        
        *nods* -- nm - tRuMaN Feb 16, 08:37
I also don't drink at all. Is this really that important to people? I've never understood the appeal of it. -- nm - Fuzzy Feb 16, 08:26
Yeah, he's missing the point you can go out where there's booze and still not drink but still be social. - Will Hunting Feb 16, 08:25 1
- Exactly. Many people are able to socialize without alcohol, I'd be much more concerned about his lack of socialization. -- nm - MojaveMeg Feb 16, 08:27
It's not the not drinking that's the problem here. - znufrii Feb 16, 08:25
Diva's right, though there is a difference between not drinking at dinner and not drinking at a kegger. - TFox Feb 16, 08:24 4
- *ding* - the differentation needs to be made. -- nm - Diva Feb 16, 08:26 3
  - It strikes me as a real "meet in the middle" type situation: she needs to understand that there is a way to drink with someone who isn't drinking... - TFox Feb 16, 08:28 2
    - i really don't think she has a right to say 'you have to drink' if he doesn't want to. -- nm - Andie Feb 16, 08:46
    - I can't spell or type today. At all. -- nm - Diva Feb 16, 08:29

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boston.com Love Letters: He refuses to drink

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