boston.com Love Letters: Should I move for him?
Posted by
Diva (aka Diva)
Mar 2 '10, 07:06
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First, I love your column and look forward to reading your responses to other people's problems. Harry and Sally had Marie. "Pretty Woman" had Kit. Boston has Meredith.
Romantic comedies aside, I have a situation. I've been dating a wonderful man that we'll call Jack, for the last year and a half. I should mention he's 23 while I am 27. That said, he's mature, funny, laughs at my jokes, is socially awkward in the cutest way, and he patiently listens to my many stories.
The problem I currently have with Jack is that he has recently decided to go back to college. On the West Coast.
I fully support his decision. He would be miserable if he stayed in Boston and he's so much more talented and will thrive where he's going. That being said, I've also wanted to move west for the last five years. When I met Jack, I didn't plan on entering into a serious relationship, but finding someone that just fit wasn't something I was ready to just move away from immediately.
When he told me of his plans, I thought it would be a great opportunity/excuse for me to also get away. However, I don't want to rely on him or impede on his college experience, so I recently came up with the idea that I could move to a city (that I've visited a few times and loved) that's a couple hours from the town he'll be going to school in. I figured this would allow us to try a realistic long distance relationship, but still have our own lives and if it doesn't work out, there's no awkward run-ins and I'm in a city I enjoy. I'm not looking to get married any time soon. I just want to make an effort towards making this relationship work.
I told Jack my idea and, needless to say, I don't know how to gauge his reaction. He was initially supportive and we made jokes about how I'd be dating a college freshman and visiting him in the dorms. We didn't talk specifics, but I was incredibly excited and optimistic about our future.
However, yesterday we had another conversation. I made a joke about the city, which was followed by silence and then he asked, "Do you even LIKE the city?" in a way that felt like a search for a negative response. When I said I would only move to the area if it was something he also wanted, he told me that was a bad reason to uproot my life and that I should only move for me.
His reaction doesn't just make me question moving, it makes me question our entire relationship. Is it possible I'm reading too much into his reaction? Or am I just over-rationalizing a reaction that is an obvious enormous red flag that he's trying to tell me he wants no sort of commitment to our relationship once he's gone?
� Moving Towards Disaster, Charlestown
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