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boston.com Love Letters: Should I See the Evidence?

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Mar 4 '10, 11:48

Dear Meredith,

I just found out that my husband cheated on me. It started out online through email, from information that was too personal and escalated to sex related topics and chat rooms. According to him, they never met in person. This supposedly happened over the course of a few months, ending a few months ago when things got too racy and they contacted each other less frequently and that the topics of conversation became more benign.

We are in our mid 40s and this woman is supposedly divorced with kids and gainfully employed. She lured and he willing followed along. I feel that they are both at fault at equal proportions.

This became known to me by accident and at my request, he has sent her an e-mail not to ever contact him again, even though their e-mail content has been benign (lately). I have not read those "benign" emails so I don't know how truthful that is. However, over the course of the few days when details of this thing emerged, I kept finding discrepancies on what he said. He would say one thing to me, the next day when I asked more details about it, he'd adjust the story.

So problem No. 1: trust. Needless to say, my trust for him is greatly destroyed. He asked me how he can rebuild it and frankly I don't know. Maybe I want the permission to read his emails anytime because this started on email. Is this something legitimate to ask? How can trust be rebuilt again? I do want disclosure. I want to know what truly happened. And the whole time he had not been very open about it. I still don't know which part of his story is accurate and which part isn't. Maybe the less-than-truthful answer was his way to protect me from the painful details, but it back-fired big time. I have made it clear to him that I would rather have him lay it all out, I'll deal with it, and then move on. Now I am always wondering which part is true and which part isn't.

Given this woman's life experiences, I think she knew what she was doing, and not "confused," as he put it. (By the way, she supposedly had a boyfriend at the same time). I asked how he felt about her now and he said he wants to think positively about people. Sounds like he hasn't broken it off with her mentally. Problem No. 2: what is going on and what do I do now?

What ever happened to supposedly mature people's moral compass and the discipline to follow it? (But that's a philosophical question for another day).

I do want to make a serious attempt to make things better. And I can use the consistently sophisticated advice given on this board by Meredith and the Commenters. And I apologize for using the word "supposedly" too many times. Looking forward to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

� Want to salvage this, Boston

Responses:

So she wants permission to monitor his emails? Um, which one. I have at least 7 email addys I could use. Why should I tell you what/where - MojaveMeg Mar 4, 11:56
first of all, don't try to blame the other woman. secondly, i think she does have a right to see the emails - Andie Mar 4, 11:56 11
- Yes, it's a strange thing to even care about the other woman. Who cares if she knew what she was doing or not. It's up to the husband. She's not - pmb Mar 4, 12:10 2
  - this happens *all the time* though. and it makes no sense, and yet, a little sense. - TFox Mar 4, 12:12 1
    - No, I think it's fine to think the other woman is a bitch and deserves blame too, I just can't see spending time worrying about how much blame she - pmb Mar 4, 12:16
- Right, she wasn't the married one in the equation. -- nm - Ender Mar 4, 11:57 7
  - I disagree strongly. Burglary is still a crime even if the front door was left wide open. -- nm - Max Mar 4, 12:11 6
    - [deleted] 5
      - (I'm just making the analogy that if the other woman knew he was married, she too was doing something as wrong as he was.) - Max Mar 4, 12:16
      - step out of the terminology for a second - if I walk onto private property and remove something without authority, is it legal because there was no - Max Mar 4, 12:13 3
        
        it's theft but it's not burglary -- nm - 16 & pixie Mar 4, 12:15 1
        
        [deleted]
        
        [deleted]
eh, that's just Stacy cheating. -- nm - Max Mar 4, 11:53 1
- Right. Actual cheating involves penetration. -- nm - David Mar 4, 12:07
you can make a serious attempt if you want to but i says the trust bond is irreparably broken - 16 & pixie Mar 4, 11:53 9
- Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but I don't see where they've had contact after he told her not to contact him again. -- nm - Inigo Mar 4, 11:58 8
  - That's what I'm reading. She wants permission to read his future emails. -- nm - MojaveMeg Mar 4, 11:59
  - i don't think it says she has, i think she wants to see the old emails, she wants to know if what he confessed to is the whole truth. -- nm - Andie Mar 4, 11:59 6
    - Although, I think what she really wants is the whole truth, meaning something consistent and logical. - TFox Mar 4, 12:02 5
      - i agree, but she's trying to figure out how to feel convinced that she's got that, so she can deal with the facts. -- nm - Andie Mar 4, 12:03 4
        
        right. and reading the e-mails would do that, but would also hurt *a lot*. a really honest conversation might do it also. -- nm - TFox Mar 4, 12:05 3
        
        He should lay it all out and let her know that she can read the emails if she chooses to. It's up to her if she wants to, but she should understand - pmb Mar 4, 12:08 2
        
        The question really has nothing to do with what he should do. It's what she should do. -- nm - mara Mar 4, 12:12 1
        
        I guess what I'm saying is that's what she should require. -- nm - pmb Mar 4, 12:14
Trust comes with time. The guy didn't boink anyone. Give him a long leash. Either he'll earn the trust or he'll hang himself with it -- nm - oblique Mar 4, 11:52
to bad you can't get a brain transfer at marriage -- nm - Danedukenuuk Mar 4, 11:52
Short answer: her gut is pretty much on point and there is no reason why he shouldn't share those e-mails with her if she really wants to see them. -- nm - TFox Mar 4, 11:51 1
- This is true. If he's serious about making it right, he should let her see whatever she wants to see -- nm - oblique Mar 4, 11:54
"I want to know what truly happened." They never met. Verify that and move on. -- nm - Dr.Vermin Mar 4, 11:51

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boston.com Love Letters: Should I See the Evidence?

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