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Long personal post --- need some decent input; if it's a cheap joke, find another thread please.

Posted by Will Hunting (aka JoeMetz) Mar 31 '10, 09:32

Okay: Some background information

My mom's got a terminal brain tumor / lung cancer...doctors have told her that she'll likely not see my wedding in October so that's the time frame. She's been fighting this cancer since June of 2008. She's just shy of 60 years old so in theory she should have had 10-15 years ahead of her.

My brother is a 26 year old schmuck with 2 kids by 2 different women, still living with my mom and dad; and is generally one of the most foul-tempered lazy humans I've ever encountered. He has over the past decade received 15-25k in money assistance from my mother while being abusive verbally to her; and physically to his 'fiancee'/mother of the baby.

About 13 years ago, I came to a very dark period in my life; it by all rights should have ended then. Since then, I've grown up immeasurably but my mother still seems to think of me as that fragile person in the suicide watch ward.

For all my life, my mother has been a dominant figure; she'd fight like hell to do whatever she could to help her boys and while I haven't needed it much in the last decade; it's always been there. She's said numerous times that when her time came; her boys would be taken care of.

That said, issues have cropped up and I'm not sure what I should be feeling/thinking much less doing. She's had multiple seizures in the past year and shouldn't be near a vehicle. Her doctors (one of which told her she could fly 3 weeks after brain surgery --- I was arguing vehemently that she not do so) have apparently told her she can still drive. We all know it's absurd. She falls back on the doctors okay. I know she's been lying to me about her driving frequency and I despise lying; that she'd do it to me is infuriating about something so important.

When I confronted her this past weekend, she went on about how my brother and her husband are driving her insane and she wants to kill herself etc etc. I told her I think it's time she talk to the doctors about mental health programs and she flatly refused becuase she's not talking to no one. No one's going to tell her how to think.

Conversation went around for a while and ended up with her talking about her fiscal malaise...she's got $$$$ in credit debt and is trying to declare bankruptcy on it. I inquired about what's left when she's gone. She said about a month ago; she stopped paying a life policy that was to be divided between my brother and I; while my dad gets the rest of her estate. When I asked her, pretty much in shock, she said she couldn't afford it (I've heard from others that she doesn't feel any of us are deserving) and even still; it's very likely only a few bucks a month; even if I for a moment thought it was becuase she couldn't afford it. I don't. She's playing games. She then said she was pissed at my brother's attitude and that's when she stopped.

She's said in the past she doesn't want to burden me becuase I can't handle it so I told her about Kelly and my life ...misfortune in the last 6 weeks, told her what I've been dealing with and how I'm sick of that Will's weak bullshit. Nothing.

Now......I'm livid at her; in general, for her general selfishness overall. I feel 100% betrayed by the one person who I never thought would stab me in the back like that. There's large parts of me who want nothing more to do with her; ever. Mindset is my mother died in 2008 when she was diagnosed and this isn't her. I'm not even sure I want to be at her funeral in the coming months. I hate myself for even thinking that, but I don't know that I can look at her, even then. I've wanted to stay local job-wise here to help the family as she fades, but now, given my soon to be un-employed state, I'm tempted to take the farthest job from here just becuase it's far from her.

Does any of this make sense...am I a horrible person for feeling this way, am I at all justified?

Responses:

My wife and I went through similar manipulative shit when my FIL died. Several things stand out to me here. - TWuG Mar 31, 10:31
Realize that her thinking may be seriously impacted by her illness. Even if the brain tumor isn't doing it, knowing you're going to die doesn't help. -- nm - Mop (220 lbs) Mar 31, 10:24
I'm with you, Will. I know exactly what it's like to have someone you life is built around stop showing you love. - Inigo Mar 31, 10:14
Sounds like adult growing pains. Remember: This, too, shall pass. - OAE Mar 31, 10:07
I would say that while your feelings are valid, try to see if you can somehow overlook her behavior and be there for her. - Dano Mar 31, 09:55
If you want to talk at any point, just let me know. In the interim, here is what I have to say... - David Mar 31, 09:55
Sorry that you are having to deal with this. It is an immense amount for anyone. My thoughts are as follows: - pmb Mar 31, 09:54 1
- One more thing. - pmb Mar 31, 09:57
Focus on getting your situation straight. She has people for support for now. Don't hate her... - budice Mar 31, 09:50
She's your mother, the only one. We don't pick our siblings or our parents so you don't have to like them, but they are family and will be family for - CrankYanker Mar 31, 09:49 1
- You're not a bad person, and nobody gets to pick their family. You should - ceregon Mar 31, 09:53
it's a tough tough thing to go through...when my mom's cancer really started to get her... - Remlik Mar 31, 09:47
I think others have covered everything I wanted to say. Do your job search to find the best job, period. Don't burn bridges and give your brother an - zork Mar 31, 09:46
I don't have any useful advice. - Strongbad Mar 31, 09:45
Jeebus, I so very sorry for your situation. - musubi Mar 31, 09:45
Facing up to their mortality really does change people. I remember my mom's anger when I visited her in hospice. Offer emotional support if asked, - MojaveMeg Mar 31, 09:43
do you think moving far away would make you think less or more about the whole situation - Danedukenuuk Mar 31, 09:42 1
- and from personal experience - Danedukenuuk Mar 31, 09:47
i think something you need to take into consideration is *she* is completely messed up emotionally at the moment. - Hockey Chick Mar 31, 09:41 1
- I agree with all this. (nm) - musubi Mar 31, 09:50
Will you are not a bad person and could her outbursts relate at all to the seizures? - amoxy Mar 31, 09:41 23
- I should clarify a bit...I understand this is 'tumor-related' in some degree. but even before the brain tumors; she couldn't accept/deal with a - Will Hunting Mar 31, 09:47 22
  - please remember she is probably very very angry too. she is being ripped off, she should be. like your anger, it's just floating around looking for - Hockey Chick Mar 31, 09:48 21
    - Here's what I don't understand, though. - kelly Mar 31, 09:51 19
      - See what I said above. It equally applies to her. - pmb Mar 31, 10:02
      - During my mother's first illness, many years before she died, she started passing on her personal effects because.. - MojaveMeg Mar 31, 09:58
      - [deleted] 7
        
        Mostly - kelly Mar 31, 10:06 6
        
        [deleted] 2
        
        I'm not worried about incurring costs......I'm just feeling betrayed that she'd go out of her way to cancel policies to keep them from us. - Will Hunting Mar 31, 10:18 1
        
        [deleted]
        
        Jack could answer this far better than I, i'm sure, but i believe the estate all goes to debt and the leftover goes to the designated recipients. -- nm - Hockey Chick Mar 31, 10:12 2
        
        depends how you structure the estate. assets could be put in trusts, payable to the trust's beneficiaries upon death - mr. average Mar 31, 10:14 1
        
        they should consult a lawyer, good advice. -- nm - Hockey Chick Mar 31, 10:16
      - how is she hurting her husband? isn't the bankrupcy to rid the debt? that seems like a positive. - Hockey Chick Mar 31, 09:53 8
        
        That changes daily. - kelly Mar 31, 09:56 6
        
        Imagine it from her perspective though, she's having a rough enough time already, if she thinks the family is there just to pick the money off her... -- nm - Max Mar 31, 10:14 1
        
        That's the thing, though. - kelly Mar 31, 10:20
        
        she's just angry she's dying and her brain is diseased. that doesn't change how hard it is, but, you can't change any of that. :( -- nm - Hockey Chick Mar 31, 10:04 3
        
        It really is very hard to explain. It's not quite coming across here the way that it should. - kelly Mar 31, 10:14 2
        
        oh, i'm sure it's absolutely horrible, i really understand. but, that's her behaviour. you only have to live with yours. -- nm - Hockey Chick Mar 31, 10:18 1
        
        Not that I'm trying to hijack Will's post here, but - kelly Mar 31, 10:22
        
        She's said all along that everything but this policy goes to him; that policy is split tween me and disphit. - Will Hunting Mar 31, 09:56
    - Agree with your last line...She maybe vindicative and bitter - amoxy Mar 31, 09:51
Will, I am not sure what the right reply is, but I do know if you reject your mother now, you will have regrets not talking/being with her during her - peglegpete Mar 31, 09:41 1
- also, do not be worried about a job far away. airlines have berevement fares for immediate family emergencies -- nm - peglegpete Mar 31, 09:45
You are not a horrible person, feelings are real - they are very real in your case. - Epiphany Mar 31, 09:40
My advice is simply remove your mother from the equation when job-hunting. Just find the best job in the most appealing location. If it's close, then - mara Mar 31, 09:39
I can understand the anger...but my non-involved opinion is that there is a tumor in her brain - Jim Mar 31, 09:39 1
- Oh...and the driving thing...I'd try to talk the doctor's into telling her not to drive. - Jim Mar 31, 09:40
[deleted] 3
- I'm livid at the driving (it's reckless and dangerous to her and others)...but more personally - Will Hunting Mar 31, 09:42 2
  - honestly, you have to let that go. remember, this is a diseased brain acting. -- nm - Hockey Chick Mar 31, 09:44
  - [deleted]
wow, this does not lend itself to a short reply and there is a lot of stuff. but in short, I do NOT think you are a bad person at all. - loosilu Mar 31, 09:38

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Long personal post --- need some decent input; if it's a cheap joke, find another thread please.

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