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boston.com Love Letters: A Mediocre Marriage (it's a long one but kind of interesting. [and sad])

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) May 26 '10, 12:03

Hi Mere,

I have been a faithfully devoted reader of yours even though I have moved to NY.

I have been married for five years. I am 27 years old and I have a very young child with my husband "Steve."

Like I said, Steve and I have been married five years, but we've been together for almost a decade. We met online when I was a junior in high school. Anywho, to make a long story even longer, after talking online for two years, we met, connected, and were engaged within a year. I was engaged by the time I was 20 ... and also very overweight. I love Steve, always have, always will. I just feel like things are off between us.

When we were about a month away from our wedding, I found out he had been online, trading pictures with women and commenting on their pictures. He was so apologetic, and to be honest, I was scared that I would never find anyone else because I was so overweight. And I loved him, so, so much. So I went through with the wedding.

He is my best friend, really and truly, and I would tell him all of this if I didn't think it would hurt him. We have been separated once before, a few years ago for a few months. We decided to try to work it out. The next year I had our child. Since then (well, for longer than just then) things have been strained between us. I have lost A LOT of weight (something snapped inside me when I realized that I had another life to worry about) and slowly but surely I lost 112 lbs. So here we are, 2010, 112 lbs lighter, in a whole lot better shape (I actually fit in for society's standards), and more confident. Not completely though.

Since about a year after we started dating, we have had issues with our "frequency" *ahem*. At the beginning, we were all over each other, then it became less frequent, maybe once every other week, then once a month, then once every other month. Now I am lucky if it happens every three or four months. Like I said, I am 27, I have a young child, and I am so scared. He is an EXCELLENT father and he loves me, but I don't feel as though he is IN LOVE with me. I don't even know if I'm in love with him at this point. I gave up my job so that he could take his dream job in NY and now I am a stay at home mom and I spend all day alone with my son (have been going to Mommy and Me classes, but those haven't been working out for us the greatest).

I just want to know what you would do in my situation. Does a passion-filled-relationship exist? Is it possible to have someone that is IN LOVE with me, as well as treat me with respect? I don't think it's fair to have my child grow up with my husband and I having just a friendship. I don't want my child to think a relationship can't be more. Will anyone else want me even though I have a baby? Or should I just accept what I am in and realize that I am lucky to be married to a friend? I asked Steve to go to therapy with me and he said that he "doesn't need it."

Steve wants me to figure out what it is that I want and to talk to him about it when I have decided. I don't know what to do. I hope you can help ...

� Oh, So Confused, NY

Responses:

the biggest mistake a spouse can do is turn down the other's request for marital counseling. -- nm - kare May 26, 12:23
Sounds whiny. Without knowing what SHE has done to increase the "frequency", I have to assume 'nothing'. - Dr.Vermin May 26, 12:17 1
- if the guy is not asking for it, there is a big problem there and the fault is probably not hers. -- nm - loosilu May 26, 12:21
This is the textbook example of immediate divorce. -- nm - David May 26, 12:16 2
- more like overdue, honestly -- nm - znufrii May 26, 12:19 1
  - Agreed. The baby sounds like a Hail Mary play, which is so unfortunate for the kid. - David May 26, 12:22
Is it possible that he's simply a chubby chaser and since she lost the weight he's not as sexually interested in her? -- nm - Jim May 26, 12:16 4
- You should actually post that suggestion to Boston.com, just in case it's true. -- nm - David May 26, 12:18
- Hmmm - interesting theory -- nm - Epiphany May 26, 12:17 2
  - I think the lack of sex and his reported unwillingness to go to therapy with her are big glaring warning signs. -- nm - Diva May 26, 12:21 1
    - especially when she is talking 3-4 months without sex. that ain't normal. -- nm - loosilu May 26, 12:22
I would bet ten bucks that guy is getting some on the side, or is gay. -- nm - loosilu May 26, 12:15
[deleted] 8
- our news station did a fear mongering story about 20% of all married couples were " sexless" - Epiphany May 26, 12:12 7
  - I simply cannot imagine having that little sex. -- nm - David May 26, 12:13 6
    - It's funny, we'll go through little periods of not doing it much (I'm talking maybe 3 weeks) every once in a while (just too busy with work, too tired - pmb May 26, 12:23
    - I almost want to call BS on the story but I know couples like this - so it is happening to people. -- nm - Epiphany May 26, 12:16 2
      - Are they getting it on the side or did they just quit on sex at some point? -- nm - David May 26, 12:19 1
        
        no on the side, they just quit or extremely infrequent - one dude eventually just left - Epiphany May 26, 12:22
    - [deleted] 1
      - word -- nm - Nightcrawler May 26, 12:17
the clue was the picture trading a month before the wedding - wheezy May 26, 12:10
That's a complex one. The short answer is no, she shouldn't have to be married to a platonic friend forever. -- nm - TFox May 26, 12:06 9
- The longer answer is that relationships can flux, from passionate to friendly and back, over time, so she has some soul searching to do. -- nm - TFox May 26, 12:12 8
  - It sounds more like this one fluxes from friendly to distant -- nm - Roger More May 26, 12:19
  - Plus they have a young kid. - Stephen May 26, 12:19 1
    - It pre-dates the kid -- nm - Roger More May 26, 12:22
  - [deleted] 3
    - L5! -- nm - Nightcrawler May 26, 12:20
    - that's actually not a bad idea... - znufrii May 26, 12:17 1
      - "I know, I'm pulling a znufrii" -- "that's actually not a bad idea... -- znufrii, May 26, 15:17" -- nm - David May 26, 12:23
  - Exactly. A troubling part is that she is taking better care of herself and he has continued away from her. -- nm - Nightcrawler May 26, 12:13
A whole lot of these readers need to move to Europe - Epiphany May 26, 12:06

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boston.com Love Letters: A Mediocre Marriage (it's a long one but kind of interesting. [and sad])

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