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boston.com Love Letters - Should I Wait For Him to be Ready?

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Jul 28 '10, 10:27

So it has come to this. I cannot waste any more of my oh-so-fleeting free time analyzing the relationship I've found myself in for the past 12 months. I am divorced -- married three years, divorced for three years. Physically/emotionally ignorant, abusive ex-husband. An aberration to my upbringing and to my own 32-yr-development of healthy self esteem and identity. Guess I was trying to help/save him. Played like it always does. For three years I've been back to me. Love myself (not narcissistically), LOVE my 5-yr-old daughter (father is the erratic ex), have the best family, and am grateful for every waking moment. Really.

I met "Counterpart," we'll call him, last summer. He was separated for maybe four months from his wife of three years and lived apart from her for that time. He and I have been seeing each other once or twice a month to date since then. His divorce was legally finalized in March. Here's the cute part: we grew up together and were each other's childhood crushes beginning in kindergarten, ending in first grade, but continuing to have the same experiences in the same places w/ mutual friends up until age 22. We moved to different places, thought it would be good to get married to others in our mid-20s per script. His wife, from his explanation, was not nice i.e., which, always wanted her way, got her way, dragged him around until he lost his cool, witty, smart rebel attitude that I had always observed. Now we find ourselves together. He tells me I am the (insert superlative). He claims to never have had as much fun and ease with anyone but me ever. BUT -- he is afraid. Afraid of failing. Afraid of me suddenly rolling my eyes at him. Afraid of me demanding to choose what I want and selfishly ignoring his needs. Afraid of me hating his friends and not wanting to see his family. Afraid of me superficially wanting a big house. These are all things his ex did. These are all things completely out of my character. I am silently insulted. It is not fair. I am being punished for the experiences of his dissolved marriage.

He hates his life situation he's said, all except for me -- "the one thing he has to look forward to and make him happy." I deem him to be the most considerate, heart-warming, compliment giving, humorous, handsome, thoughtful, genuine, naughty in a good way, music loving, hardworking, makes me feel like the only-woman-alive kind of guy. But yes, we see each other only once a month for the past year. Granted we are busy w/ work, family obligations on both ends, me a single mom ... Excuses? He brought up the exclusivity talk immediately when we started dating. We are sure on that. He initiates contact on the phone every two days. Never makes false promises. Every date is like a first date. Fun, but yeah, 16 first dates. In his word he doesn't want us to be anything so that way we cannot break up or hurt each other. You and I know it is past that point. I can't rush him. Should I back away after a year and give him time? I have a daughter to raise and a good career to distract me. But I crave companionship (as long as it is from someone awesome). He just means so much to me, worth it more than any other guy I've encountered. How do I approach this? Do I wait? Is it ultimatum time? Thank you for reading my Walter Mitty stream of consciousness tirade. I love him. Help me.

� The waiting feel is not so fine, Boston

Responses:

he needs to get over his issues before they can be a couple (if ever). no ultimatum needed but she needs to decide if she's willing to wait for him - chuckles Jul 28, 10:47
So it sounds like they're still living (far-ish) apart and only see each other once a month still? One of them needs to commit after 16 months, I'd - JaxSean Jul 28, 10:46
See each other only once a month? Do they live on seperate coasts? -- nm - amoxy Jul 28, 10:43 1
- I don't think so. Once a month but with expected exclusivity. -- nm - Diva Jul 28, 10:46
"not narcissistically" -- judging by her email, I disagree -- nm - David Jul 28, 10:36
what a needy effin slut -- nm - CQ Jul 28, 10:32 1
- oh, yeah. forgot whore -- nm - CQ Jul 28, 10:33
Okay, I was wrong. *This* is worst game of Mad Libs ever. - TWuG Jul 28, 10:31 1
- heh -- nm - Black Rabbit Jul 28, 10:32
After reading the first 25% I just skip ahead and say, "no". -- nm - Black Rabbit Jul 28, 10:30 8
- [deleted] 2
  - well yeah, but she still has a valid question. -- nm - Diva Jul 28, 10:41
  - No jury would convict you. -- nm - David Jul 28, 10:36
- she is wordy. -- nm - Diva Jul 28, 10:31 4
  - i.e. needy. -- nm - Remlik Jul 28, 10:35 3
    - really? I didn't quite get that. -- nm - Diva Jul 28, 10:36 2
      - I'm 90% kidding. -- nm - Remlik Jul 28, 11:06
      - yah! wordy doesn't necessarily mean needy. (don't tell me otherwise.) for her, I'm concerned that he hasn't had her meet his friends or family, - b. Jul 28, 10:46

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boston.com Love Letters - Should I Wait For Him to be Ready?

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