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boston.com Love Letters - Should I tell my Ex that I'm remarrying?

Posted by Diva (aka Diva) Oct 29 '10, 08:27

I was married for six years, but left my husband after he turned into a controlling, conceited, self-absorbed hermit who thought his paycheck was where his contribution to our relationship began and ended. I left him -- and his financial security -- because I was losing myself and couldn't accept what my life had become.

Our divorce was quick. He was devastated but cooperative. Our post-divorce ties went on forever because of real estate that wouldn't sell in a bad market (the super-size house he saw as the route to his happiness was not popular with buyers).

He had intensive therapy, which led him to apologize for the years of bad behavior. He moved away, met a woman, and reported being really happy. At that point we tried to maintain a friendship. Six months into his new happy relationship, I had just started dating someone and didn't tell him because it was so new. He came back to town and hired people to do some work on the house and so that it would be easier to sell. I stayed with friends during this time.

My new boyfriend came by while a not-so-great contractor was working and pointed out areas of the work that were in dire need of improvement. He told the contractor not to mention his presence to my ex-husband because things were strained between us. Of course the contractor mentioned my boyfriend's presence when following up with my ex over the phone, and that resulted in my getting the silent treatment and a bitter e-mail asking about my boyfriend. This was almost two years after our divorce and more than six months into his new, happy relationship.

My ex and I now only interact by e-mail when there's official business that comes up. He was prone to temper tantrums, making me want to opt for as little communication as possible. When we do communicate, it's with a fake friendliness. We still have some mutual friends, and our parents still keep in touch a few times a year. I don't know where he's living and don't really care to ever see him again. I do know he's still with the same person he met a few years ago.

My quandary: my boyfriend and I are planning on eloping (we very much want to make a lifelong commitment but don't want to deal with the hoopla and expense of a wedding). What is the right thing to do -- should I tell my ex when we are married? And if so, by what means? I don't want to deal with drama and I don't know if there would be more drama if I did or didn't tell him, and he's bound to find out by some other means.

� Happily Moved On, Providence

Diva sez: Um yeah, you should tell him. How he decides to deal with the info is his concern, not yours.

Responses:

I felt like I would be a coward not to tell my ex. This woman frankly doesn't come across well in this email. - David Oct 29, 09:12
Tell him. - !qnsnw Oct 29, 08:55
I say it's none of his business. He can find out like everyone else...when she updates her Facebook status to "Married." - Jim Oct 29, 08:53 1
- That's what I'm thinking. Why bother telling him when they're not on friendly terms. Telling him only makes him feel that she's beholden to him in - Loyola Oct 29, 08:57
(also, please update us on this new marriage in seven years) -- nm - Max Oct 29, 08:43
Don't bother telling him. -- nm - Loyola Oct 29, 08:41
(the house incident was just as likely a turf issue as a relationship issue) - Max Oct 29, 08:40 5
- I'm only believing about half of what she's saying about him in the first place. -- nm - Ender Oct 29, 08:43 3
  - seriously. -- nm - loosilu Oct 29, 09:07
  - Yeah. I assume that just about every letter to meredith is colored to make the writer look better. (nm) - !qnsnw Oct 29, 09:03 1
    - exactly, and you know she whored herself out to end the marriage -- nm - The Legend of CQ Hollow Oct 29, 09:10
- Prime noctis! -- nm - kilbooooo Oct 29, 08:42
seems to me, she hasn't fully moved on and is a bitter self centered bitch herself. Why does she even give a shit about what her ex finds out anyway? - The Legend of CQ Hollow Oct 29, 08:37 8
- Really? -- nm - Andie Oct 29, 08:40 7
  - his schtick, I think. -- nm - Diva Oct 29, 08:44 2
    - but I didn't even say she was a slut whore yet -- nm - The Legend of CQ Hollow Oct 29, 08:47 1
      - the day is still young, my friend. -- nm - Diva Oct 29, 08:47
  - let me clarify, heh. The ex seems like an a-hole. She seems like an a-hole (little jabs she takes in the e-mail), and the new bf seems like an a-hole. - The Legend of CQ Hollow Oct 29, 08:44 3
    - How does the new bf seem like an asshole? -- nm - Loyola Oct 29, 08:47 2
      - it's just a vibe I'm getting. I have no clue :) -- nm - The Legend of CQ Hollow Oct 29, 08:49 1
        
        ;) -- nm - Loyola Oct 29, 08:50
Just update your facebook status. -- nm - Max Oct 29, 08:37
I take it they're not Facebook friends then? :) -- nm - kilbooooo Oct 29, 08:36 1
- 'tis how I found out my ex got remarried. - decline Oct 29, 08:36
He might appreciate knowing that he can stop making the alimony payments. -- nm - crash davis Oct 29, 08:35
I vote not to tell him -- nm - Epiphany Oct 29, 08:34 6
- Even though he'll find out from others eventually anyway? -- nm - Diva Oct 29, 08:51 4
  - Sure, it's not his concern and if she's being honest here, he'll handle it wrong anyhow. - Will Hunting Oct 29, 08:57 3
    - Just seems like a common courtesy to me. His reaction to the news is his business. -- nm - Diva Oct 29, 09:01 2
      - He lost that courtesy when he handled the fact she had a boyfriend poorly. -- nm - Will Hunting Oct 29, 09:07
      - *ding* - !qnsnw Oct 29, 09:04
- Yeah, kinda surprised so many are saying the opposite. -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 08:37
why bother telling him? sounds like she has no communication with him so what's the point? -- nm - decline Oct 29, 08:32 1
- I think if she wants to take the high road it's better for him to hear it from her than from the grapevine. - Diva Oct 29, 08:43
Yeah, tell him. He's going to hear anyway. Just send him an email (after the fact) and say, "I'm just letting people know, blah blah blah." - Andie Oct 29, 08:32 1
- this -- nm - Diva Oct 29, 08:45
Tell him. -- nm - pmb Oct 29, 08:31
He'll appreciate hearing it directly, I think. A mailed announcement would probably suffice, though. -- nm - znufrii Oct 29, 08:30 20
- You really think he will? Reread. -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 08:32 19
  - comes off to me that he was more pissed about not being told about the bf, than her having one in the first place. -- nm - znufrii Oct 29, 08:34 18
    - Uh, that is what he wants her to think, but no. This guy is going to be pissed, regardless. -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 08:37 2
      - Maybe, probably or even certainly. How he reacts to stuff is no longer her concern. -- nm - Diva Oct 29, 08:47
      - Then that reflects all the more poorly on him. - znufrii Oct 29, 08:44
    - again, what possible business of his is it that she has a bf 6 years after the divorce?! -- nm - Beaker Oct 29, 08:35 14
      - actually it was two years. -- nm - loosilu Oct 29, 09:08
      - I just think it's disrespectful not to tell him. They have mutual friends and they were married at one point. Even with everything, they still seem - pmb Oct 29, 08:37 12
        
        This guys seems to have lost the right to such respect. -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 08:41 11
        
        but she can still take the high road. if he doesn't care, then, no harm done. and if does, then he can't say he found out in an awkward way. - Andie Oct 29, 08:43 10
        
        I agree whole heartedly with Andie. - !qnsnw Oct 29, 08:51
        
        There is no high road, here. -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 08:50 5
        
        yeah, taking the high road to avoid drama for yourself from someone you don't respect or care about really isn't the high road. -- nm - Max Oct 29, 08:56 4
        
        But rubbing it in his face is not, either. What would Jim Kirk do? -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 09:06 3
        
        go to another planet and f*ck some blue alien bitch with 3 boobs. - Diva Oct 29, 09:08
        
        it's not "rubbing it in his face" to let him know in the same manner she tells everyone else. - znufrii Oct 29, 09:08 1
        
        But to *him* it will be. -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 09:14
        
        honestly, unless the guy is still hung up on her or something he won't be embarassed and will most likely find it silly - decline Oct 29, 08:48 1
        
        She should tell him via invite to be her Man of Honor. -- nm - Max Oct 29, 08:49
        
        Exactly. And I gues I don't see the guy as quite the a-hole that others do. It is possible that what pissed him off so much was that in a - pmb Oct 29, 08:47
no -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 08:30
why bother telling him at all? You're divorced, move on and all that jazz -- nm - Beaker Oct 29, 08:29 3
- and how dumb is the boyfriend. "you suck at your job...oh yeah don't tell the old hubby that I was here crapping on your work, thanks" -- nm - Beaker Oct 29, 08:32 2
  - yeah, bf comes across as a bit of a d-bag there. -- nm - znufrii Oct 29, 08:46
  - I am thinking that did not go down *quite* the way she told it. -- nm - Spawn Oct 29, 08:33

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boston.com Love Letters - Should I tell my Ex that I'm remarrying?

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