sounding board time. realizations I've come to, and just some rambling about the last few days. I also want all of you to know that I'm really doing
Posted by
dogbert
Nov 11 '10, 19:32
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good despite the crappy begining to the week. heck if you can't share long rambling stories with friends, who can you share them with, right?
a little background I may have hinted at before but probably never outright spoke of: back about 10 years ago I had a real good friend that I met during my EMT class after knowing each other about 6 months we started dating and I fell for her completely. it didn't take much, I already knew everything I needed to know about her and she was everything I wanted. at the same time that I fell for her, she backed out. we remained friends mostly because we already were great friends, but also because we worked together and didn't have a chance not to hang out. she never did give me a reason why she didn't want to continue dating, and it bugged me because I felt I deserved an answer. in a nutshell I basically agreed that we could stay friends, but I told her I would never feel comfortable meeting anyone she dated and that I'd feel even more uncomfortable introducing her to anyone I dated. she accepted that and we had a strange but mutually acceptable friendship. other than that, we never spoke about "us" because I just didn't want to hear it. the failed relationship though did scar me for quite some time, pretty much for the entire 2000's I was very bitter at the entire female gender and I carried around a bunch of baggage. I didn't put any real effort into any relationship because I really wasn't emotionally available. I knew this, and I knew why, but I was ok with that.
she ended up getting married, and I've still never met her husband. there were a couple years where we didn't talk when she moved out of state. about two years ago we began talking again occasionally, just catching up on what's new, how our families are and so forth. about a week before I met the ex-future wife (EFW)I was talking to her on the phone for nearly two hours and as we were about to hang up she said "I'm sorry". I asked what for and she started talking about the things we never did speak of. I was about to tell her not to bring anything up, but I hesitated and let her talk. very long story short, she apologized for not being more honest with me back then and for everything she put me through whether intentional or not. she said she was sorry for doing everything she could to keep me around as her friend even though she knew it was painfull to me. she apologized about alot of stuff and came clean about the things she did wrong. as much as I've always felt I didn't want to ever have that talk, it felt great once it was done. was it closure? probably.
why explain that? well when I started dating EFW I truly felt comfortable dating for the first time I can remember in a long time.
tuesday I went out with her sister (she's a long time friend) and of course we spoke about the dumping. she said she was as shocked as I was because every time they spoke of me EFW kept saying how it was getting better and better and how much she really liked me. so to both of us, this was out of nowhere. as we were talking I found out that her divorce has only been final for about a year and I'm really the first guy she's dated since. she said that EFW has always been timid about commitment, and speculated that she's probably still hurting from the divorce. very possible, who can say how long grieving takes? basically when I look at it this: we start dating - she starts to really like me and become more attached - she gets nervous or anxious - realizes she is not ready for a relationship - breaks it off, then it makes a little bit of sense. do I think it's the smart thing to do? hell no, but I can at least understand the possible thought process.
anyway she's on vacation this week visiting her other sister and I know I'll have to talk to her at least one more time either personally or through her sister and I'm ok with that because she will need to know that being friends just isn't an option. I'm a very straightforward person and I'll let her know why I can't (see above). I have no delusion that she will want to get back together, but if she did I would be fine with that, I care about her alot and have no ill feelings toward her. I feel that she at least will deserve to know why it can't happen. if for no other reason because I will always be friends with her sister and if I see her in the future that it's not personal if I'm distant.
as weird as it sounds, I really feel good about this quicker than I thought I would. that's it
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