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LYC: Because everyone must know my pain, here is the most effed up thing that's ever happened to me (very long, sorry)

Posted by Tim (aka othertim) Nov 16 '10, 09:32
The tl;dr backstory: I play World of Warcraft. So does this girl. We basically ended up running the guild together, and about a year ago realized that there was the possibility for something more to happen. Feelings are put on the table and reciprocated, despite the fact that she has a boyfriend (N.). She tells me a short while later that she wants to try to make it work with N. We had a long conversation about that which concluded with me telling her I loved her. She replied that she loved me too. A month later she left the server. She came back three days later because she missed all the friends she had on this one.

So it was back to normal, sort of. Spring becomes summer becomes fall. The flirting continued but to a much lesser degree than before. I guess you could say things had cooled off but I was sure that the potential for something more was still there. We had a mini-conversation about it back in August or so, where I kind of restated my feelings and she told me how frustrated she was in her current relationship with N. I was waiting for something to happen.

That something happened on October 26. She told me that her and N. had broken up. She was pretty numb at the moment. She understandably wasn't able to raid that night. I just said that if you want to talk about it, just let me know. I was waiting for the right moment.

Every day after that, I'd ask how she's doing. Not very good was the typical reply. They did move into the house together, but everything was in N's name. She was just along for the ride. Now she had no place to live (N. had initially given her a week to get out but since relaxed that ultimatum) and no job and wasn't sure what she was going to do. "I've been talking to J. a lot lately and he's really been helpful" was something she mentioned. This was also mentioned before the breakup. "That's good," I thought.

J. joined the guild back in March after all the stuff had happened between L and myself. He was a long time friend of the Aussie contingent of our officer team. He's the best player I've ever played with and I know I'd gotten better at the game just from spending time raiding with him. There's a couple other details I probably should mention, but it's better if I mention them later, though I'm sure you've already figured out the reason I'm even bothering to mention him at all.

That brings us to November 2. I log in the game, as I usually do. We're all bored as fuck with the content (the new expansion is out Dec. 7) so our numbers have been low as of late. I log on and am immediately told by J. that I need to be told something. I'm wondering if it's that he's leaving the guild or the server, something I expect him to do. I ask L. if it's something I don't want to hear. Her reply: "Um..."

"So, what's up?"
"L. and I are dating."
"That's it?"
"Yup. That's it."
"Oh, okay. Cool."
"That's taking it pretty well."

I'm waiting for one of them to be all "just kidding, lols" and then for J. to tell me that he's leaving the server or something.

"I'm so sorry."
"Wait, it's not a joke?"
"No. I'm so sorry, it just... happened."

Cue the world suddenly beginning to spin.

My initial response was "well, I'm very happy for both of you." Which is true. I would never not wish happiness upon my friends. I then excused myself so I could light myself on fire.

I'm shaking and confused and still hoping that this was some sort of elaborate performance art. She repeats the same phrases repeatedly. "It just happened." "We just clicked." "We didn't even realizing what was happening." "I'm so sorry."

"We clicked. Or at least I thought we did."
"We did, but I guess my feelings had changed."

I didn't log in Wednesday, which would have happened anyway had my world not been turned upside down. That was a good evening, catching up with someone I hadn't seen in a long time. But that's another post. I was in a strange mood that day, and again on Thursday. My head couldn't process everything. What happened to what we had?

She wasn't on when I logged in. Neither was J. I grilled a friend of J. (also in the guild) who was in the dark as much as I am. He says that this was a *very* recent development and was as surprised as I am. he didn't have much else for me, as he noted that they talked less as he talked with L. more.

After maybe an hour or so, L. logs on. J. logs in about five seconds later. I don't believe this is a coincidence.

I don't have exact chat logs for this, but here's kind of the gist.

"So I've thought about it a lot and I've decided that I am mad at you."
"Oh?"
"I'm mad because you weren't completely honest with me about your feelings."
"Yeah. I can see that. :/"
"and I know you're going to say it was because you didn't want to hurt me. But I went into this fully expecting to get hurt somehow. But not telling me that your feelings had changed actually ended up hurting more."
"I'm so sorry, I should have told you."

She admitted that one of her flaws is that she will pull away from her friends when the answer might be to open up more with them. We had talked a lot less (despite still seeing each other in game virtually every day) lately. Somehow J. was able to crack through her defenses, something I admittedly suck at, and that had lead to something else. Heck, I did get her to admit that J. called her the night she broke up with N. and they "talked for hours." And here I thought that giving her time and space was the right thing to do. I knew she was spending a lot more time in game with J. than she was with me, so I was wondering if something was up between them, but had successfully convinced myself that there wasn't. Oops.

"I'm even finding myself wondering if you were being honest with me when we had admitted our feelings that night, it's terrible for me to say that but I have thought it.""
"no, my feelings at the time were real. I wouldn't joke about that."

I believe her. I think. I just don't know what to think anymore.

"I still need some time to process all of this, I probably won't be online very much for the next little while."
"I completely understand. and I hope that you'll still want to be my friend after all of this. I still value our friendship, even if it didn't work out in other areas."
"I will always want to be your friend, I just want to go hide in a cave for about 10,000 years right now."
":("

There's more to our conversation, by the end of which I was a complete wreck. But that's really all you need to know.

What you also need to know are the WTF aspects of this whole thing:

-First, yes, they consider themselves to be in a relationship, despite having never met. I was never looking for that without actually you know, meeting first.
-J. lives in California. She lives in Missouri. Still in N.'s house. (and no, N. doesn't know, but he doesn't really know J. at all) (Until about two days ago, her facebook status was that she was still in a relationship with N. It now says that "it's complicated" with N. J. does not have a Facebook page.)
-J. is 19. Or possibly 18. More likely 19, but I forget for sure. (L. is 26.) The most appropriate phrase I can think of to describe him would be "know-it-all little shit." He's a millenial who thinks he's got the world figured out already. I enjoy playing the game with him, but there were always a few things that irked me about him.
-Also on that Thursday I think he attempted to be all "if you had asked her out, did you think she would have said yes?" I cut that off right away, informing him of how deep my feelings for L. had gone and that they had been reciprocated. I don't know if that provided him any perspective, but he dropped the subject.
-I don't know what they talk about in private of course, but they have only referred to each other about their relationship as their character names. When I was told about their relationship, it was "(L.'s character name) and I are dating." At one point L. was "(J.'s character name) and I...") Which just comes across as odd and somewhat creepy. While L. and I call each other our character's names when talking about guild stuff, when we got to talking about personal things and our feelings, we wheeled out the real names.

I realize the above reflects badly on L. and one person I mentioned this to went "sounds like you dodged a bullet there." And yeah, maybe I did. But that bullet would have been way beyond anything I've experienced in the last 10 years.

I'm still numb and confused over this whole thing. I've only logged on every couple days or so (as opposed to every day) since last Thursday, just to keep up appearances, as I mentioned to the guild I was taking a minor hiatus before the next expansion to recharge the batteries. L.'s been on each time I have. J. has been on too, and they're usually in the same location in game. I make some small talk and quickly log out again, worried that I'll say something I'll regret to either of them.

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