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In response to
"friday hax chat q: how important is sex in a marriage, really?"
by
cupixie
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Carolyn's response:
Posted by
cupixie (aka chris)
Feb 11 '11, 10:42
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Carolyn Hax: Ask your friend if she wants to be one of those people I hear from almost daily, who loves his/her kids and likes and respects his/her spouse, but feels stuck because there's no love in the marriage, they're more like roommates. The roommate feeling makes the idea of staying this way unbearable, but the like, the respect and the kids make the idea of leaving unbearable.
And those are just the ones who haven't met the so-called loves of their lives while married to Mr./Ms. Goodenough. Many of them do, and then what?
How bout if the child they create has intensive needs. It happens; you don't get to decide whether your kid has, say, autism. How will her choice sit with her then?
Probably not last and definitely not least, she has the heart of the man she might marry to think about: Does he see her as the best he can do in a pinch, too, or does he really love her? If it's the latter, then using him for sperm is cold, cold stuff.
Your friend is currently trying to choose between two worst-case scenarios: sexless marriage or childlessness. Please urge her to broaden her thinking to include the various other worst-case and just-not-ideal case scenarios--not so she can choose among them, but instead so she can see that choosing away from negatives is an exercise in futility. It will be far more productive for her to look at each choice in this way only: "Is this what I really want?" The answer to that is either "yes" or "no"; "no, but ..." won't take her anywhere good.
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Responses:
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