ST Alpha - "Okay, so, what would you do, ST? (long story inside)" (Reading a Post)

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Okay, so, what would you do, ST? (long story inside)

Posted by kelly (aka kelly) Feb 16 '11, 18:37

So, I posted a few weeks ago that my father has a cancerous growth on his tongue. Today my folks got the results of his pet scan. There were some spots on the lymph nodes that may or may not be something, so those are being removed as well. Surgery on the nodes and the tongue has been set for Monday the 28th.

My mother has explicitly told me (many times, including tonight) not to come for the surgery. She says that my father won't need me/the kids there for him during the surgery, that it's a waste to do nothing but sit in a hospital all day, and that my father will need me/us more once he's out of the hospital recovering/undergoing radiation/etc. While I know she is right, the thought of not being there makes me feel like a HORRIBLE child.

Here are some things to consider: I only get a week's vacation between now and June, so that doesn't leave me much time to head up there for the surgery AND head back to help him when he will need it. I also am technically unable to take off the last week of the month, since it's month-end at work. If I tell them, hey, I need to be there for my father's surgery, I know they'll let me take 1 day off for that, but guaranteed I'll be required to be back at work the next day. *Maybe* I can get a 2nd day off, but I doubt it.

Also, this surgery is quite extensive - 10-12 hrs in surgery, and at least 2 days in ICU. So he's going to be pretty out of it. I want to be there for him, but I'm not sure if I am able to be there the way I want to be when he will be out of it for at least 3 days. Then again, I don't think I'll be able to be here working, totally distracted by what's going on back home.

If you were me, what would you do? Would you listen to your mother and go back home only after the surgery, when he's recovering and needing the help? Or would you be going back home to sit in the hospital, even if it's only for a 24 hr period?

Note: one of my brothers is local so I'm sure he will be there to help. Another brother is in NYC so I'm not sure if he will be there or not.

Responses:

Listen to mom. And {{Hugs}} -- nm - amoxy Feb 16, 20:02
(thanks, everyone.) -- nm - kelly Feb 16, 19:36 1
- (hugs) -- nm - nubby Feb 16, 19:44
It's definitely a tough call, as someone who has a parent go through major surgery, you will be better off listening to you mom though. - sycor Feb 16, 19:01
I would stay home and be there during the time you can be of the most help. - Dano Feb 16, 18:51
I'd do both. when my dad had cancer, he told me in no uncertain terms to stay in university. at the time he thought he had a year, it turned out to be - mafic Feb 16, 18:48 2
- (not that this matters, but my dad's is Stage 1.) - kelly Feb 16, 18:50 1
  - yeah, the descriptions seemed to be of early stage, but if I were you I'd still go both times if possible. -- nm - mafic Feb 16, 18:53
(Wow, these answers surprise me, to be honest.) - kelly Feb 16, 18:47 41
- I say go. And this isn't meant in a bad way, but it sounds like it sounds like in addition to it being important to you to be there for - Stephen, Most Miserable Poster in America Feb 16, 19:15 1
  - Wow, I really mangled that post. -- nm - Stephen, the Most Miserable Poster in America Feb 16, 19:17
- Let me answer from the perspective of the patient. - David Feb 16, 18:57 26
  - Well, I'm actually going to say yes. - Kim Pine Feb 16, 19:00 22
    - I love this post. -- nm - mud Feb 16, 19:17
    - After talking this over with Kim and hearing some stuff for the first time about my stay, I'm switching my vote. -- nm - David Feb 16, 19:10
    - I won't be able to be there long-term for him, though. At most, I'll be able to stay 2 days, but more likely only 1. - kelly Feb 16, 19:03 8
      - what day of the week is his surgery? -- nm - TFox Feb 16, 19:11 7
        
        Monday. -- nm - kelly Feb 16, 19:12 6
        
        ok, then my vote is, surgery Monday, in ICU til Wednesday where he'll have more nurse and family attention than on a normal inpatient floor... - TFox Feb 16, 19:25 5
        
        I second this more things considered. -- nm - Will Hunting Feb 16, 19:38 4
        
        The next Sunday is my mother's birthday, so maybe I'd be able to give her a break as her birthday present! :) -- nm - kelly Feb 16, 19:40 3
        
        More and more, i think this is the better option hon. - Will Hunting Feb 16, 19:44 2
        
        The whole thing is stressful, I just don't know. - kelly Feb 16, 19:52 1
        
        I understand. - Will Hunting Feb 16, 20:00
    - i also agree with Kim here. - TFox Feb 16, 19:03 10
      - Don't forget it's ICU...that's a different case from my experience with mom. -- nm - Will Hunting Feb 16, 19:04 9
        
        meaning what? -- nm - kelly Feb 16, 19:04 8
        
        ICU: Typically 1 to 1 patient to nurse ratio. Some of the good nurses don't leave the bed. ICUs also have strict visitation so you may want to ask - James Bond (aka Igor) Feb 16, 19:08
        
        ICU's normally a lot more strict on visitation.... - Will Hunting Feb 16, 19:07 6
        
        Yeah, but what about your mom? - kelly Feb 16, 19:07 5
        
        My ICU experience is based on her stays there....that's why I mentioned her. -- nm - Will Hunting Feb 16, 19:13 1
        
        Okay. - kelly Feb 16, 19:22
        
        I'm just saying....if you go up to be part of this first 2-day oversee....if he's in the ICU...that's not quite the same thing from experience - Will Hunting Feb 16, 19:12 2
        
        Yeah, I would suggest she calls the hospital now and asks about the visitation policy for ICUs. They may or may not allow family to sleep over. -- nm - James Bond (aka Igor) Feb 16, 19:22 1
        
        This, when my aunt was dying of liver failure you were only allowed in for a few minutes at a time. Including her kids. - sycor Feb 16, 19:25
  - I don't think my father will wind up having many visitors, to be honest. If he does, it will probably be short visits. The surgery is in Boston, about - kelly Feb 16, 18:59 2
    - fwiw, i had to call off the dogs with visitors for a few hours today because SheFox just needed sleep. - TFox Feb 16, 19:01 1
      - I have had this dilemma a few timesin the last few years. Sometimes with friends having babies, sometimes with friends who are sick. - loosilu Feb 16, 19:02
- we're probably looking at it more practically than we would if the shoe was on the other foot - prayformojo Feb 16, 18:50
- In fairness, I think we've been hitting him with the opposite advice for a while now, but the situations are different. -- nm - TFox Feb 16, 18:50 8
  - My thought is simply that she's not 'there' but once or twice a year....this is a huge deal in the family - Will Hunting Feb 16, 18:52 4
    - if she really only gets a week for the next 4 months, i say it's important she makes a trip back. - TFox Feb 16, 18:54 2
      - I will probably do a few Friday night-to-Sunday-night flights or something, but at some point I'd like to spend at least 3 or 4 days total. - kelly Feb 16, 18:57
      - I can see your reasons...trust me I do. I know she wants to be there; I support what she wants. -- nm - Will Hunting Feb 16, 18:55
    - Time to move, what do you say? :p -- nm - kelly Feb 16, 18:53
  - Well, at least I know I won't be written out of the will if I'm not there for the surgery or something. - kelly Feb 16, 18:51 2
    - That's fine...I'd rather be out of the will for not showing up at a surgery than for not being a good enough son by visiting often enough - Will Hunting Feb 16, 18:54 1
      - Depends on the day and who she was talking to... -- nm - kelly Feb 16, 18:56
- I really don't know what I would do in either of your shoes. :( -- nm - Beryllium (iPhone) Feb 16, 18:49
- I dunno, but I'd believe Meg and Landbeck about these things. :-) -- nm - mara Feb 16, 18:49
I'm with the others. Listen to your mom and go when you're in a position to be helpful... - MojaveMeg Feb 16, 18:45
I suppose its a rule of thumb that you will be needed when its most inconvienient for you, but it does sound like mom and brother can take care of the - zeitgeist Feb 16, 18:44
In this particular instance, I'd go when he needs the help. -- nm - David Feb 16, 18:43
Speaking from the Dad's perspective, what he really wants is for you to be happy; your affection and care for him shouldn't cause you guilt. - landbeck Feb 16, 18:43
I'd vote for going after - prayformojo Feb 16, 18:42 1
- Let's ship him Murphy for the few days before. -- nm - Will Hunting Feb 16, 18:43
Go after the surgery -- nm - ceregon Feb 16, 18:41
jmo, be there when you'd be most needed. -- nm - znufrii Feb 16, 18:41
guilt sucks. If this helps ... listen to your mother. -- nm - loosilu Feb 16, 18:40

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Okay, so, what would you do, ST? (long story inside)

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